


Crashing (A.K.A. The Magic of Peppermint)

by lotsofquestionslimitedanswers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Dean Winchester Has ADHD, Death of an abusive parent, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Dean Winchester, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 72,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28374900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotsofquestionslimitedanswers/pseuds/lotsofquestionslimitedanswers
Summary: It’s the middle of Dean’s junior year of college and Dean had never paid much attention to fellow English-major Castiel Novak until they crash into each other at the Barnes and Noble on campus. The second Castiel’s coffee spills all over Dean, Dean can’t get the dorky English nerd out of his head. Chaos ensues.Excerpt:“I hope to see you around some time.” Castiel says. “I enjoyed our chat.”“Yeah, this was nice.” Dean says. “Hopefully, next time I won’t ruin your coffee.”Castiel shrugs. “Worth it.” He smiles and waves, “Bye, Dean.”“Bye Castiel,” Dean says. For some reason he can’t help but feel disappointed as he watches Castiel walk away.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 201
Kudos: 138





	1. Peppermint

**Dean**

It’s the second unnecessarily hot day in a row because the technical term for weather in Williamsburg, Virginia is bullshit. Dean walks into the Barnes and Noble in C.W. and immediately regrets it. Everything is _still_ covered in Christmas shit. Dean is so sick of it. It’s already January 9th. It’s time to move on already.

Dean walks past a sign advertising peppermint mochas in the Starbucks upstairs and is hit with an onslaught of memories: his mom making peppermint hot chocolate, her smile, the way she looked at him with love. Of course, that was all before she left and took Dean’s little brother Sammy, with her the day after Christmas when Dean was six.

Why the hell did she even bother trying to get Dean excited about being a big brother if she was just going to take Sammy and leave two years later?

Dean’s so lost in thought that he doesn’t notice the other person trying to get through the door. They collide and Dean is immediately covered in hot coffee and sent staggering backwards.

“Oh, shit! Sorry!” Dean apologizes.

Someone clears their throat and Dean sees a parent with a little kid glaring at him. Ah. Language. _Fuck_.

“It’s okay.” A familiar deep voice says.

Dean looks down to see none other than fellow English-major Castiel Novak sprawled on the bookstore floor in front of Dean. He’s staring up at him.

Castiel does that a lot. The staring thing. Dean thinks it’s just the way he interacts with the world: he stares and takes everything in slowly. It’s reflected in how the guy speaks in what Dean assumes are carefully chosen words and perfect analysis of passages and questions for the professor.

Dean’s not weird for knowing this. They’ve had three classes together since Dean decided to be an English major last year. And the classes are pretty small. You see the same people over and over and remember things about them…at least _Dean_ does.

“I mean, _I’m_ sorry that I spilled my coffee all over you.” Castiel says as he gets to his feet.

“You don’t need to be sorry. I should’ve been paying attention to where I was going.” Dean says. “Here, let me make it up to you. Let’s go upstairs and I’ll buy you whatever coffee you just had. Okay?”

Castiel blinks and says, “It’s really no big deal. I wasn’t paying attention either.”

“Please, I—I insist.” Dean says. Heat rushes to his face. Why is he being so weird?

“If you’re sure.” Castiel says. He looks at the ground, then at Dean, then at the ground again. Then he looks at Dean one more time, staring at him with those wide blue eyes of his.

“I am,” Dean replies. “Let’s go.”

Castiel nods and they walk to the escalator in silence.

Dean is not particularly talented in the art of silence. Even short periods of silence make Dean feel like crawling up the walls. He can’t stop moving. He taps his fingers against his legs, he plays with the bottom of his flannel, he wiggles his fingers around. He really hopes he’s not creeping Castiel out. He really just wanted to be nice and he’s probably coming off as weird.

Shit.

“So, what classes are you taking this semester?” Dean finally asks as they get in line. It’s a Saturday, so the line’s pretty long.

“Well, I’m double-majoring in Anthropology and English, so I’m taking two anthropology classes, a COL 300—but I’m still deciding on that one—and I can’t decide if I want to take the Milton class for my single author class or if I want to take the Romanticism class for my British literature between 1700 and 1900 requirement. Or, if I want to just take both of them.” Castiel shrugs. “I’ll figure it out later. What about you?”

“Uh, well, I’m an English major and a Creative Writing minor, so I’m taking a speculative fiction class and a poetry class. I’m pretty excited about the speculative fiction class. I’m hoping to sneak into a psych class for my science COL 200.” Dean shakes his head. “These general education classes are killing me. Um, I’m also taking that Milton class you mentioned for the single author requirement.”

“The Milton class; huh?” Castiel smiles. “So, we’ll be in another class together? Gosh, I think we’ve been in…what is it now? Three classes together? Four if we both take Milton.” Castiel tilts his head to the side and looks thoughtful. “You know, it’s a shame we never talk.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say to that—because yeah, it would be nice to have more than two friends especially since neither of them is on campus right now, so Dean is really freaking lonely—but that doesn’t matter because it’s their turn in line.

Dean looks at Castiel and asks, “Um, I don’t know what you were drinking, so can you tell the cashier?”

“Can I have a tall peppermint mocha please?” Castiel asks the cashier.

 _Of course,_ it was a stupid peppermint drink.

Dean pays for the drink and they wait for it together.

“This was really nice of you, Dean.” Castiel says. His eyes widen and his cheeks turn red. “I’m not weird for knowing your name. We’ve been in three classes and the class-sizes here are small. Plus, you always gave interesting analysis for the texts we’ve read for class.” Castiel smiles a small smile. “This was especially true when we were in Professor Shurley’s class last semester.”

Dean snorts. “Interesting analysis” is probably the nicest way to describe the things Dean said in Professor Shurley’s class.

“Yeah, well, that douchebag didn’t want anyone to go to the bathroom during class and was generally a huge asshole, so I wasn’t exactly going to be nice to the guy.” Dean replies.

Castiel nods. “Yeah, I hated that class too. I always got so nervous when I needed to leave. I thought he would take points off my grade or something.”

“I did use the bathroom during class and I’m pretty sure that he did take points off people’s final grades because I gave him the same effort I gave my other professors and I got a B- when I average a B+ or an A- for English classes.”

“Oh, I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“I’m not.” Dean shrugs. “I wouldn’t have wanted a better grade in his class if it meant kissing his ass all the time.”

Dean says this, but he was furious when he saw his final grade. He worked his ass off and that B- brought his GPA down.

Castiel’s cheeks turn red and he looks down. “I got an A- in his class.”

Aw, fuck. Now Dean’s made Castiel feel bad.

Dean scratches the back of his neck. “Well, you did leave the room sometimes, so you obviously weren’t kissing that narcissist’s ass.” Dean shrugs. “You probably just did so well on papers that he couldn’t take points off without worrying about getting reported.”

“Didn’t someone end up reporting him anyway?”

“Yeah, I think that was Professor Singer.”

Dean knows it was Bobby because he’s the one who specifically asked Bobby to report the jackass. Dean thought it would mean more coming from a professor and Dean wanted to remain anonymous.

“Oh, I’ve had him. He’s nice in a gruff sort of way.” Castiel says.

Dean smiles at Castiel’s accurate description of Bobby. “Yeah, he’s pretty great.”

“Peppermint mocha for Castiel.” The barista says.

Castiel collects his drink and Dean overhears him thank the barista.

“Thank you, again.” Castiel walks over to Dean and holds up his coffee.

“No problem.” Dean waves him off.

“I hope to see you around some time.” Castiel says. “I enjoyed our chat.”

“Yeah, this was nice.” Dean says. “Hopefully, next time I won’t ruin your coffee.”

Castiel shrugs. “Worth it,” He smiles and waves, “Bye, Dean.”

“Bye, Castiel,” Dean says. For some reason, he can’t help but feel disappointed as he watches Castiel go down the escalator.

Well…that was interesting.


	2. Crashing Into Castiel (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: mentions of homophobia, mentions of child abuse, and minor foul language

**Chapter 2: Crashing Into Castiel (Part 1)**

**Dean**

After bumping into Castiel that first time, Dean feels like he sees him everywhere.

Dean sees Castiel walking into the dining halls.

He sees him in the Williamsburg library a mile away from campus.

Dean bumps into Castiel at Food Lion one time.

It’s so strange because before he had never really noticed Castiel—not that much at least. Now he’s seeing him everywhere, usually dawning a tan trench-coat, black slacks, and black boots, or a yellow, black, and white flannel, black skinny jeans, and Converse with a cartoon bee print on them.

Every time Dean sees Castiel, Castiel always smiles and says, “Hello, Dean.”

Every time Dean is left with a strange feeling twisting around inside of him. He’s always left wanting more but he’s not sure why. Dean just feels a…pull. He doesn’t know how to describe the feeling any more than that.

…

**Dean**

It’s 1:34AM on January 15th and Dean can’t sleep. Classes haven’t started yet and he doesn’t have a shift at the library tomorrow, so at least Dean can try to sleep some time during the day because sleep just isn’t happening right now. Dean gets out of bed and decides to go for a walk. He gets dressed, puts his shoes on, puts his keys and wallet in his jacket pocket, and leaves. He walks to the Sunken Garden which is only three minutes away from his dorm.

The Sunken Garden is a weird patch of grass that’s literally sunken under the rest of the space. There are several brick pathways leading to stairs on all sides. There are no flowers in the Sunken Garden and people usually do homework in the shade from trees outside of the Sunken Garden. Dean walks around here all the time and sees parents playing with their kids and people having picnics or throwing a frisbee with their dog. One time, Dean saw someone walking six corgis. _Six_.

Dean breathes in the night air and studies the sky as he walks around the Sunken Garden. The moon is big and bright tonight. Dean walks through the grass and stops when he sees someone running towards him. As the figure comes closer, Dean realizes it’s a nearly naked person. They’re probably doing the Tri-Athlon. It’s a tradition here that involves nakedness in three important spots around campus. Dean does not plan to do it, but his friend, Benny, did it last year. Only he did it in the spring when it wasn’t freezing outside.

The figure is only a few feet away now and Dean realizes with a start that it’s Castiel. For some reason, Dean hadn’t pegged Castiel as a Tri-Athlon kind of guy. Dean’s not sure why it surprises him; he doesn’t know Castiel. At all. They’re practically strangers.

“Hello Dean,” the figure—Castiel—pants.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks as Castiel stops in front of him.

“This was a mistake.” Castiel hugs himself.

Before he knows it, Dean’s pulling his keys and wallet out of his jacket pockets, jamming those into his jeans’ pockets, and taking off his jacket. He’s wearing a thick flannel underneath which is a lot better than the nothing that Castiel is wearing. Well…he’s wearing boxers. They have a pattern of cartoon bees on them, but that’s not going to do much against the cold. He’s not even wearing shoes.

“Here,” Dean hands Castiel the jacket.

“Oh, I couldn’t.” Castiel takes a step back.

“Sure, you can. It’s cold out. You already ran across the Sunken Garden. You can go back and do the last part when it’s not freezing outside.” Dean says, suddenly feeling weirdly protective over his dorky classmate.

Castiel squints at Dean in the darkness, seeming to study him with his head cocked to the side. Then he takes the jacket from Dean. “Thanks,” Castiel says as he puts the jacket on. “Wow, this is warm. I suppose I’m lucky you were out here. Why are you out here though? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Oh. Um,” Dean scratches the back of his neck. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Dean winces at the admission. He can’t help it. He can just hear his dad yelling at him for his weakness. If there’s one thing John Winchester doesn’t approve of, it’s weakness. At least…that’s how he used to be. Maybe he changed. Dean sure as hell doesn’t know. He hasn’t seen the man since he snuck out of the house to come to orientation here freshman year.

Dean wishes he could stop thinking about his dad. It’s the past. He wants to move on. Desperately.

“I like going for walks when I can’t sleep too. I also like to listen to a song called “Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)” by a band called The Amazing Devil. It’s eight minutes long, but it’s worth it. Their voices are so beautiful. It’s a good lullaby.” Castiel shivers.

“I may have to check that out sometime. Also, not to be weird, but where do you live? Do you want to head back to warm up?”

“I’m in the Bryan Complex.”

“Oh, same.”

“I just moved in this semester. I had a bad roommate situation, so they gave me a new assignment in the third floor of the Camm dorm. It’s nice. I get to watch people congregate in the buildings nearby.”

“Oh. That sucks. I mean, cool that we’re neighbors now, but that sucks that you had a bad roommate situation.”

Castiel shrugs. “My roommate didn’t like that I’m gay. It’s not the first time it has happened.”

Dean feels a wave of anger crash over him. He hates it when people are like that. His dad was homophobic too and Dean had to stay in the closet until he left home. He’s lucky his dad never found out. Dean’s lucky he hasn’t had to deal with any shit here (yet). And here Castiel is, talking so casually about his ex-roommate who was such a homophobic asshole that Castiel felt the need to move in the middle of the schoolyear as if it’s just supposed to be a normal fact of life. It’s _not_.

Dean tries to keep his cool though and says as casually as he can, “Ah, so your roommate was an asshole.”

“That’s one word for him. I’m partial to shithead.” Castiel shrugs.

There’s something about hearing Castiel curse that makes Dean smile.

Then he frowns again because he’s thinking about Castiel dealing with a homophobic roommate for possibly an entire semester. Dean has been lucky as far as college roommates go. When filling out the roommate form, Dean said he didn’t care about the gender of his roommate and ended up getting assigned Charlie. They roomed together freshman and sophomore year. This year she decided to move in with her girlfriend, and Dean got lucky and snagged the last single in his dorm. Charlie and Dean bonded over their queerness. They have lesbian woman and bisexual man solidarity. It was nice. Dean’s sad Castiel didn’t get to have an experience like that.

They fall into silence. There’s nothing to hear but the small breeze. Dean struggles to find something to say. He’s tired, but also _not tired_ at the same time. So, it’s hard to sleep, but it’s also hard to think. Dean really hates his brain sometimes.

Finally, Dean says, “Oh, I’m in the Bryan basement, by the way. Right by the laundry which is both a blessing and a curse.”

“You’re by the laundry? Can you show me where that is sometime? I tried to find it yesterday, but I got lost. I thought it was supposed to be connected to my dorm’s basement, but then I reached a dead-end and panicked. And I haven’t tried again since.”

“That’s no problem. We could actually stop by there real quick.”

“Thanks,” Castiel smiles at Dean.


	3. Chapter 3: Crashing Into Castiel (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: foul language (blame Dean)

**Dean**

Dean sees Castiel at 12:32AM on January 20th as Dean walks back to his dorm after a shift at the library. It closed early today because it’s only the first day of classes. It was nice being there again. Dean and Benny have a shift together which is always fun because Benny is one of the most chaotic people Dean knows and he makes the shift go by quickly with his antics. He seems so quiet and then he pulls out a ping-pong ball and starts challenging everyone in sight to wild games where people have to throw the ping-pong ball into things. (Benny has had to pay fines for breaking library property.)

Dean walks past the Sadler Center when he hears music blaring. Dean stops and looks around.

_“I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs  
I crashed my car into the bridge  
I don’t care  
I love it”_

Dean watches as Castiel rounds the corner wearing a blue tracksuit and running shoes. He’s also wearing a sweat-headband thing that has a cartoon bee on it. He’s holding a phone which must be where the music’s coming from.

Dean can’t help but stare at his classmate.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says as he jogs past him.

“Uh,” Dean blinks. “Hi Castiel.”

Castiel waves and keeps jogging down the path towards the library. Dean can’t help but stare and wonder why anybody would want to run at midnight. At least Castiel’s fully-clothed this time. It must just be a work-out. But again, _why_ would he do this now? He’ll have to ask him about it one day.

…

**Dean**

Dean takes his pen apart and puts it back together over and over and over again as he waits for the class to begin. He’s trying to keep himself busy because this is the first day of the Milton class. Castiel said he might take it too, and Dean refuses to stare at the door.

He can’t help but look over every now and then. For science.

Five minutes before class starts, Castiel bursts through the door. He’s wearing that yellow, black, and white flannel of his. No. This one’s a little different than the other one he wears. This one has a hood. It’s cute.

Castiel looks right at Dean, puts his hand up, and smiles. Right in front of everyone. Two people in the front row turn around to glance at Dean.

Dean grins at Castiel. Maybe they _will_ have another class together after all. The thought makes Dean’s heart skip a beat.

Castiel walks to the back of the room and sits right beside Dean. He smiles at Dean again.

This time, Dean has to look away. He’s not sure why. It just suddenly feels really hot in here. To be fair, _all_ the rooms in Tucker are hot, but it hadn’t gotten to the point where it was nearly unbearable until Castiel smiled at Dean. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Why_ does Dean have to be like this?

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says.

Dean takes a cautious glance at Castiel to find him picking at a hole in his jeans.

Castiel looks at Dean. “Is it okay if I sit here?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean says. “Have you decided to take this class or are you doing a trial-run?”

“I think I’ll just take both.” Castiel shrugs and starts pulling things out of his bag.

Dean smiles. “Well, I’m…I’m glad you’re here.”

“I am too,” A small smile lights Castiel’s face. “Couldn’t let our streak die. One class every semester since fall of last year.”

Dean tries his best to ignore the warm rush that washes over him upon seeing that smile. He hardly knows Castiel. He can’t get weird when he’s trying to make a new friend.

…

Later in the day, Dean runs right into Castiel while walking into the laundry room. In Dean’s defense, he couldn’t see over the mountain of clothes in his laundry hamper. To Dean’s fault, he should have maneuvered his hamper so he could see over it to avoid situations like this one.

“Aw, shit.” Dean puts his hamper on the floor, steps over it, and offers Castiel his hand. “We really need to stop meeting like this.”

Castiel just laughs and takes Dean’s hand. “I don’t mind.”

Dean feels his face heat up and he can’t tell if it’s because the laundry room always feels like it’s a thousand degrees or if it’s because of Castiel’s comment. Dean tries not to think too hard about the answer as he pulls Castiel to his feet.

“I’m sure I’ll see you again, Dean.” Castiel picks up Dean’s laundry hamper and hands it to him. “Here you go.”

Dean’s at a loss for words as Castiel walks away.

…

It’s January 22nd, and Dean’s on his phone texting Charlie. Her car broke down and Dean’s trying to help her figure out what to do about it. He used to work on his dad’s car, and he remembers some of the fundamentals. Mostly, he remembers how much everything should cost when it’s getting repaired so he’s able to tell Charlie when someone is giving her a shitty quote for repairs. Which they do. All the fucking time.

He bumps into someone as he walks. “Oh, sorry.” Dean looks up and sees that it’s Castiel he just trampled on the library steps. “Oh, shit. Sorry, Castiel.” Dean offers his hand.

Castiel takes it. “We keep bumping into each other,” Castiel cracks a smile. “Literally.”

Castiel really _can_ be a dork sometimes.

Dean grins.

“Clearly, we’re meant to keep meeting. Maybe this is the universe’s way of rectifying that thing you said at Barnes and Noble about it being a shame we don’t talk.” Dean says without thinking.

 _Why_ did he say that?

Castiel tilts his head a little and asks, “Do you really believe that?”

“No,” Dean laughs awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck. “I’m not really a universe kind of guy.”

Castiel seems to deflate a little, but laughs anyway.

“I—I do believe in luck though.” Dean says quickly. “Looks like mine’s pretty good since I keep running into you. I enjoy our talks.”

Castiel smiles broadly at Dean and Dean’s heart does a series of elaborate flips in his chest.

“I quite enjoy our talks as well.” Castiel says.

Dean’s having a little trouble breathing.

Shit.

He thinks he might _like_ this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: The song used when Castiel is running: “I Love It” – Icona Pop featuring Charli XCX


	4. Coffee and Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of getting disowned, homophobia and foul language
> 
> Not gonna lie, this one is a bit of a downer, but I thought it was necessary to explain a bit about Castiel.

Chapter 4: Coffee and Loneliness

January 23

_Castiel_

Castiel hangs up his phone, grateful to no longer be talking to his father. Their conversations can be…what’s the right word? Tedious? Exhausting? Exhausting is probably the optimum word. How could it be anything less than exhausting to speak to someone who cannot accept Castiel the way he is? His father can’t even accept the watered-down cisgender heterosexual version of Castiel that Castiel pretends to be every time he interacts with his father. His father would probably disown him if he knew that Castiel is gay.

Castiel puts his earbuds in and loads up Spotify on his phone. He picks a playlist at random and tries to drown out the disappointment that was in his father’s voice after Castiel described the classes he chose to take this semester. All their interactions are the same. Exhausting. Shitty. But at least his father apparently doesn’t feel like he can justify disowning Castiel yet. All Castiel has done to win his father’s disapproval is major in Anthropology and English. How are those things so bad? Honestly, what the fuck?

Castiel heads out of Camm’s attic and decides to get coffee from the Wawa across the street. He loves coffee. He really can’t get enough of it. When he was growing up, his father forbade Castiel and his siblings from consuming caffeine, but after Castiel had been in college for a month, he decided to allow himself some wiggle-room within the endless list of rules his father keeps for Castiel and his siblings. The wiggle-room is this: Castiel abides by his father’s rules whenever he goes to visit. Those visits are kept as short as possible because that’s honestly best for everyone involved. And while at school, Castiel gets to do whatever the fuck he wants.

He uses the make-it-yourself station that’s located in the middle of the Wawa, selects the biggest cup they have, presses the button on the mocha with extra caffeine, and finds a lid and one of those brown things that helps drinkers hold the cup. He can’t remember what it’s called and it’s bothering him. He’ll have to Google it. He pays and walks out the door. As he leaves, he considers downloading the Wawa rewards app. It could be useful because it could help him save money. But if his father were to go through his phone (which he has been known to do) he would discover the app and that would lead to some uncomfortable questions for Castiel. Castiel decides not to download the app.

Castiel crosses the street and walks towards his dorm right as Dean Winchester emerges from the Bryan basement. He’s looking at his phone. Dean’s wearing the same sort of thing he always wears: plaid, that leather jacket of his, jeans, and biker boots.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel waves.

Dean startles, but then he smiles broadly and waves back at Castiel.

Dean is so beautiful.

Castiel is worried that Dean may come to believe that Castiel is stalking him.

Castiel is definitely not stalking Dean.

It’s just a small campus and once you think about someone, they seem to appear out of thin air. Dean has been on Castiel’s mind quite a bit as of late. The fellow junior is not exactly hard on the eyes. He’s also quite kind which Castiel believes is a more important quality to focus on when it comes to potential significant others. Not that Dean and Castiel could ever become romantic partners. Castiel has attempted to flirt with Dean on numerous occasions and Dean has only looked a little awkward about it. He hasn’t flirted back (as far as Castiel can tell) which means he might not be interested in Castiel. Castiel can’t exactly blame Dean for not being interested in him, but it’s still disappointing.

Still, Castiel enjoys talking to Dean and hopes they can become further acquainted. Perhaps they could even build a friendship. That would be nice. Castiel enjoys his own company, but he also enjoys conversing with others on occasion. The only friend Castiel currently has is Meg Masters, but she’s a senior and will be graduating at the end of this semester, so Castiel is really hoping to make a new friend. Otherwise, next year will be incredibly lonely.


	5. Dean's Birthday (Part 1: Charlie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone!!:) Part 2 will be up tomorrow :)

**Dean**

It’s January 24th, and Dean walks down the Sunken Garden on his way to Campus Center where he’s supposed to meet Charlie for breakfast. They haven’t seen each other yet this semester because Charlie’s car broke down and she couldn’t get back to campus until yesterday.

Someone yells across the Sunken Garden, “Dean!”

There is exactly one person who would yell Dean’s name across the Sunken Garden, so Dean yells back, “Charlie?”

Charlie runs to Dean yelling, “Dean!”

“Charlie!” Dean laughs.

Dean loves Charlie; she’s like the sister he never wanted and the best friend he’s ever had. Dean opens his arms and Charlie crashes into him. The impact takes Dean’s breath away and he staggers back a step as he wraps his arms around her. Charlie hugs Dean back and squeals.

“It’s about time.” Dean says.

“Fuck you, Dean.” Charlie laughs.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too!” Charlie pulls away. She takes off her backpack and pulls a wrapped package out of it. “Happy birthday!”

“Aww, thanks Charlie,” Dean takes the package. He tries to ignore the way his eyes sting with some strange wetness. He hates that he wants to cry over a birthday present. He didn’t exactly get a lot of attention on his birthday when he was growing up. Charlie was the first person since Dean’s mom to care about Dean’s birthday. Charlie’s birthday is in the fall and she annoyed Dean into telling her when his birthday was Freshman year. She has made a big deal out of it ever since.

“Is it a pony?” Dean asks.

Charlie rolls her eyes. “Yeah Dean, I fit a whole pony in that box.”

Dean hugs Charlie, “Thanks Charlie. This is nice.”

“You don’t even know what it is yet.” Charlie hugs Dean back.

“Doesn’t matter. Still nice.”

“You deserve gifts on your birthday.” Charlie hugs Dean tighter. She pulls away and grins. “So, tell me more about that guy you mentioned.”

Dean feels his cheeks heat up. He hopes Castiel’s not around to hear that.

“Uh…small campus. Let’s talk in my dorm.” Dean says.

Charlie nods.

They order breakfast, take it with them, and go to Dean’s dorm. As soon as the door’s closed, Dean tells Charlie everything.

“So, you bought him coffee and didn’t get his number?” Charlie asks.

“It didn’t seem like a good time.” Dean says.

“And you keep running into each other and talking about how much you enjoy talking to each other and you didn’t get his number any of those other times?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“And he ended up taking that class with you—and he specifically sat next to you and you _still_ haven’t gotten his number?”

“Well,” Dean scratches the back of his neck.

“Dean! He told you that it’s a shame you two don’t talk!”

“So?”

Charlie laughs at Dean. “Okay, Dean. I think he likes you. I don’t know if he likes you romantically, but I do think that he’s acting like he wants to get to know you better.”

“Well, what do I do about that?”

“Whatever you want. Do you want to get to know him too?”

Dean hesitates before saying, “Yeah,”

“So, get to know him. Make the first move.”

Dean sighs, “This stuff is hard.”

“Yeah, it is.” Charlie puts her hand on Dean’s shoulder. “And honestly, you’re pretty bad at this, but that doesn’t mean you should give up. Castiel seems nice.”

Dean wants to argue with the idea that he’s bad at this stuff, but Charlie’s right. Dean has a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships. At least so far.

First there was Cassie. Dean thinks he might have loved her, but he was afraid to date her during high school because the thought of bringing her home to potentially bump into his dad was terrifying. What if Dad was drunk? What if he hurt Cassie? Dean couldn’t do it. The most Dean and Cassie ever did was kiss at Prom senior year (Dean had to sneak out and had to leave early). They parted ways after high school ended; they were friendly, but they went to different colleges and lost touch.

Then there was Lisa. Dean really liked her. He even thought they might have had something, but then Lisa transferred schools in the middle of last year. Dean considered following her, but he had already made roots here with Charlie and Benny and Bobby (Dean’s advisor) and Ellen (Dean’s creative writing professor and who happens to be married to Bobby) and Dean couldn’t bear to lose that. He couldn’t start over all over again. Not again.

Dean also dated Benny. That lasted all of a week. It just…it didn’t feel right. Not because Benny’s a guy, but because Benny’s his pal and they decided they were better off as friends. Which worked out perfectly because now Benny’s dating Garth who is a total sweetheart.

After that, Dean started having sex with everyone who was willing to sleep with him. Enter Bela sometime in the middle of all that. Their relationship wasn’t so much a relationship as it was a _wild_ summer of sex. They discovered they have a lot in common like shared trauma and a love for tv shows like _Stranger Things_ and _Elementary_. They don’t talk anymore though. Although Dean cares about Bela, he wouldn’t exactly call her a _friend_ , but they are _friendly_. Whenever he sees her on campus, Dean waves, but that’s about it.

“Okay, so what should I do?” Dean asks.

“Just, give him your number and say you want to hang out sometimes.” Charlie suggests. “Working up the nerve is the hardest part. After that, you’ll at least have your answer.”

Dean groans. “This is so frustrating. If he _does_ like me, why can’t he do anything about it?”

“Based on everything that I know about you, if he likes you, he probably _is_ doing stuff about it, you’re just oblivious to it.”

Dean puts his face in his hands.

“You know what we need to do?” Charlie asks Dean.

“What’s that?”

“We need to try to get your mind off this. I know that I started us on this—now very awkward—topic so this is my fault, and I also know how you can zero in on something and have trouble focusing on other things. So, let’s go do something.”

“Like what?”

“Let’s try a class at the gym or something. Get some endorphins or whatever.”

“Sure,”

Anything’s better than continuing this conversation.

They walk to the gym. It takes fifteen minutes get there. It’s a nice walk. They go past the alumni house (that they school is rebuilding for the fuck-teenth time), the football stadium, some fraternity houses, freshman dorms, and then they’re at the gym. Dean likes walking behind the football stadium the best because there’s a foresty area with a tall drop-off. The drop-off makes Dean nervous because there’s not a lot of room between the walkway and the drop-off, but the trees are pretty.

They walk into the gym and ask if there are any classes taking place soon. They’re in luck. One class is about to start in ten minutes, so they sign up for it. It’s called “Dancing Badly.” Charlie’s excited. Dean is too. Dancing is fun.

Then the instructor walks in and all of Dean’s excitement drains from his being.

It’s Castiel.


	6. Dean's Birthday Part 2: Dancing Badly

Chapter 6: Dean’s Birthday (Part 2: Dancing Badly)

Previously:

_Then the instructor walks in and all of Dean’s excitement drains from his being._

_It’s Castiel._

**Dean**

Because _of course_ it’s Castiel. He’s wearing a yellow tank-top, black shorts, a white hoody tied around his waist, running shoes, and socks with a cartoon bee pattern that stretch up to just below his knees. He’s also wearing a microphone headset.

“So much for taking my mind off it.” Dean mumbles.

“What do you mean?” Charlie asks.

Dean can’t look at Charlie.

Charlie nudges Dean’s shoulder. “That’s him, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Dean’s ears feel hot. Why is it only his ears?

“Holy shit!” Charlie squeals.

Dean’s just glad they’re standing in the back. Maybe they can sneak out without anyone noticing.

It’s almost like Castiel read his mind because as soon as Dean considers sneaking out, that’s the moment that Castiel looks right at Dean and smiles.

Dean’s mouth goes dry and his heart speeds up.

Castiel claps once and says, “Hi everyone! I’m Castiel and I’m your instructor for today. Let’s get started; shall we?”

Everyone cheers and Castiel starts playing the first song.

Dean knows this song.

It’s “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone.

Oh.

Um.

Beside Dean, Charlie had been taking a sip of water from her water-bottle, but she chokes as soon as the song comes on.

“Are you okay back there?” Castiel asks.

Charlie gives a thumbs up and points at the door. Her face is redder than her hair.

“Okay, knock when you need to return.” Castiel says.

Charlie gives another thumbs up and bursts out of the room. The door slams shut.

Dean can hear her laughing from outside. His face heats up and he puts the palm of his head on his face…as if that’s going to help.

Dean should’ve snuck out when he had a chance.

“Okay everyone! This is our warm-up song, and remember, we need to pace ourselves if we want to get through this class. Please repeat my movements, but don’t worry if you mess up. We wouldn’t have called this class “Dancing Badly” if we actually took ourselves seriously.” Castiel says.

Dean chuckles. He tries to copy Castiel’s movements. They’re pretty easy which makes sense given that this is a warm-up.

Charlie returns after a few minutes. Her face is red. She slides into place beside Dean as Castiel’s playlist goes to a new song.

“Okay, now we’re going to do a faster song, but please dance at your own pace.” Castiel says.

“Club Can’t Handle Me” by Flo Rida comes on.

“Oh, fuck yes!” Charlie exclaims.

Dean face-palms beside her and Charlie laughs.

Dean dares look up and sees Castiel point at Charlie and grin.

The class is…a lot.

It’s kind of fun though.

Dean’s sweaty and exhausted when it’s over.

Castiel walks over after the class is finished and says, “Hello Dean. Have fun?”

“Yeah,” Dean says, desperately hoping he doesn’t smell.

Castiel looks at Charlie and puts out his hand. “I’m Castiel.”

“Hi Castiel! I’m Charlie. I thought you’d be shorter.” Charlie shakes Castiel’s hand.

Castiel scrunches his eyebrows together and looks from Charlie to Dean.

“Your class was great Castiel. Charlie?” Dean says.

“Yeah, Dean?” Charlie asks.

“Let’s go.” Dean says.

“You’re no fun.” Charlie says. “I was trying to make a new friend.”

“Well, you can always take another one of my classes.” Castiel says.

Charlie grins at Castiel. “Honestly, this class was really fun. I usually feel more awkward dancing in public—I still do it, because fuck embarrassment—but it was nice to be surrounded by fellow awkward dancers. Well, except for some of the people in the front and you. You’re actually good at this.”

Castiel grins. “I’m glad. That’s why we have this class, so people feel comfortable enough to just do whatever feels good in the moment. And, for the record, I thought your moves were adequate. Thank you for saying the same about mine.”

“We’re gonna become best friends.” Charlie puts her hand up for a high-five.

Castiel laughs and gives Charlie the high-five.

Dean snorts.

“Dean’s just jealous. He’s my current best friend.” Charlie explains.

“I see.” Castiel says.

“It’s his birthday today.” Charlie says.

“Oh, happy birthday, Dean.” Castiel tells Dean.

A chill runs down Dean’s spine. Why? Why does his voice do this to him?

“Thanks,” Dean looks away.

Charlie tells everyone about Dean’s birthday. Dean’s…not sure how he feels about that. He knows it’s out of love though.

“Well, I should get going. I’m glad you two were in my class.” Castiel says. He starts to walk away, but turns around and says, “I hope to see you again. Both of you.”

“You’ll see me again!” Charlie laughs.

“Looking forward to it new best friend.” Castiel grins. “See you in class, Dean.”

Dean counts his blessings because Charlie waits until Castiel is out of earshot before saying, “He seems dreamy,” Charlie nudges Dean a little.

“Bite me,” Dean replies.

Charlie laughs and hugs Dean.

Dean hugs her back, “You’re a brat.”

“Yeah, but you love me.”

“I can’t believe you replaced me as your best friend.”

“A girl can have two best friends, Dean.”

They walk back to Dean’s dorm and Charlie demands that Dean open his present.

Dean opens up his present to find a new set of blue and purple and pink plaid pajamas, a blue robe, and a big mug with Han Solo on it that says, “Han shot first.”

“I thought these were movie-day essentials.” Charlie explains, pulling her own set of pink and purple plaid pj’s out of her backpack.

Dean and Charlie take turns using the shower in the bathroom that connects Dean’s room to the room next to it. Then they spend the rest of the day in pajamas watching movies.

Benny joins them at noon. He walks in without knocking as he announces, “I come bearing gifts.”

Benny’s holding three pizza-boxes that are stacked on top of each other, three containers of Ben and Jerry’s, and there’s a colorful bag hanging from his inner-elbow.

“Cold-brew coffee flavor for Dean. Strawberry Cheesecake for Charlie. Cherry Garcia for me.” Benny says as he organizes the items on Dean’s desk. (Good thing it’s clear for once.) “This pizza is meat lovers’, this pizza has extra pepperoni, and this pizza has mushrooms and extra cheese on it because you two are freaks.” Benny turns and grins at Dean. “Happy birthday, shithead!” Benny hands Dean the bag.

“Thanks, Benny.” Dean hugs Benny.

Benny hugs Dean back and then pulls away. He’s grinning. “Open it.”

Dean opens the bag and pulls out the book inside. It’s a book of love poems throughout the ages. There’s a sticky note on the cover that says, “You should read some of these to that angelic friend of yours with those blue, blue eyes. He’ll probably date you if you asked.”

“Oh, fuck you, Benny.” Dean says without any bite. He feels his face heat up and he wants to kick Benny in the shin just a little bit, but he laughs because he knows that Benny’s way of showing affection is assholery.

“I don’t think Garth would like that, brother.” Benny winks. “Anyway, here’s your real present.” Benny pulls a book out of his backpack and holds it up for Dean to see. It’s _Doctor Sleep_ by Stephen King. “Figured, you liked the movie so much, you should read the book. I haven’t read it so I don’t actually know if it’s any good, but I thought you might like it.” Benny hands Dean the book.

“You’re such a shit.” Dean laughs and hugs Benny.

“You bet.” Benny hugs Dean back. He pulls away and says, “I’ll be right back.” Benny brings his backpack with him to the bathroom.

Benny comes out wearing lime green and black plaid pajamas.

They spend the rest of the day watching the _Star Wars_ movies, starting with the original trilogy. Charlie takes pictures. Benny challenges everyone to a dance-off for no real reason. The RA asks them to keep it down, so they stop the spontaneous dance party and go back to movies.

At around 8pm, they go on a Wawa run and pay for overpriced candy and popcorn. Benny and Charlie refuse to let Dean help pay for any of it claiming it’s a birthday rule. They also all get huge ICEEs and mix up all the flavors.

They head back to the dorm and Charlie throws popcorn at Benny when he suggests they play the prequels at some point during the marathon. They watch the sequel series instead with the plan to watch the prequels in the unlikely even that they don’t fall asleep before finishing the sequel series.

They all fall asleep on Dean’s floor huddled together in front of Dean’s laptop. Benny’s out before _The Force Awakens_ is over. Dean falls asleep after Rose saves Finn in _The Last Jedi_.

_“That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.”_

Dean falls asleep with blurry thoughts about how that’s what he’s been trying to do this year: focus on love. Not hate. Focus on building upon his relationships with coworkers, with his mentors Bobby and Ellen, with his friends, and maybe even with Castiel.


	7. Roommate Agreement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of homophobia and foul language

January 24

_Castiel_

Castiel walks back to his dorm after his Dancing Badly class at the Rec. He still can’t believe Dean and his friend were in that class. Castiel likes Charlie, but their introduction was a little…awkward at first. Charlie left in a fit of giggles at the beginning of the class. Charlie also mentioned that Dean had talked about Castiel. He’s not sure what that means. _Does_ it mean anything? It might. It meant something when Castiel told Meg about Dean during one of their morning walks. He enjoys his walks with Meg. She’s his closest friend on campus. They talk about everything. Well…not _everything_. Meg refuses to explain to Castiel how she knows Castiel’s new roommate, Crowley, and why she hates his guts. Castiel can’t piece that story together.

It’s in part because Crowley is an enigma. First, Castiel is not sure if Crowley is a nickname or his given name. Crowley took down his room-tag, so Castiel doesn’t know Crowley’s last name either. All Castiel really knows about Crowley is the fact that he’s pansexual and his mother didn’t mind because she is too and that when Crowley asked about his father, all his mother told him was that he was conceived during a winter solstice orgy and she was not taking names during the event. Those are literally the only facts Castiel knows about Crowley’s family history.

Another fact about Crowley is that he has sex. Often. This is not a judgement, but rather an observation. The only judgement Castiel has on the matter is the mild annoyance that comes with being kicked out of his dorm at a moment’s notice. He went for a run at midnight and bumped into Dean during one such occasion. Castiel’s father checks in often and Castiel figured that rather than mentioning to his father that he gets kicked out of his dorm at night by his roommate’s sex-life, he could say he goes on wild adventures at night because he’s bored. Castiel can handle small lies. Those night outings amuse his father. Castiel is under the impression that the outings provide Castiel with an aura of normalcy in his father’s eyes that he’s usually lacking. Castiel does not quite understand why, but he will try to take advantage of it.

One thing he _does_ understand is the fact that he cannot under any circumstances mention that Crowley has sex with people. Because then the topic of Castiel’s sex-life will be brought up and his father will want to know about Castiel’s adventures of the sexual persuasion rather than his adventures of the weird persuasion. After all, good Christian boys have sex. Good Christian girls are the ones who must remain “pure” until marriage. What a load of bullshit.

Thinking about his father is so exhausting. Castiel cannot wait for the day when he’s an English professor who specializes in queer literature and he can finally come out to his father and suffer the consequences.

Castiel walks into his dorm and finds Crowley sitting at his desk. He’s eating an apple with his feet up wearing a black three-piece suit and red Crocs. “Did you see lover-boy again?” Crowley asks.

“Why do you ask?” Castiel asks.

“You always look a little red when you’ve seen him.” Crowley replies.

“I was unaware.”

“Well, yeah, you can’t look at yourself while you’re walking.”

“I could have used a mirror.”

Crowley shrugs. “Got me there, mate.”

Castiel doesn’t say anything. He sits on the ground and starts untying his shoes.

“Where’d you see him anyway?” Crowley asks.

“A class that I teach at the Rec.” Castiel replies.

“I did not peg your knight in shining plaid to be the work-out type.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, just didn’t.” Crowley shrugs.

“He went with a friend. She said she thought I would be shorter.”

Crowley laughs. “So, he talks about you?”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“How can it mean nothing? You don’t shut up about him because you like him.”

“I don’t shut up about him because _you_ don’t stop interrogating me about him.”

“Whatever you want to say, darling.”

“I am not your darling.”

“Not mine, but you want to be his.” Crowley smirks.

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Yeah, no shit. But it’s not going to happen.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Well, if he liked me, then he would’ve given me his phone number. Right?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You like him, and you haven’t given him yours because you’re scared.”

“So…you think he’s scared?”

“I think that you two barely know each other and you are both overcomplicating this whole thing. You need to offer to buy him coffee—make up any reason you want—and give him your number to set the date and time for the meeting. If you want to get to know him, do the work. Otherwise stop whining about it.”

Castiel glares at Crowley. Then looks at his feet. “It’s his birthday today.”

“Perfect. Write him a note and give it to him during your class. Wait until the class is over though. No point in freaking him out.”

“Why?”

“One of you needs to take notes that day. Goodness knows you won’t be able to.”

“You don’t know what I’m capable of.”

“I do not, however, I _can_ read faces and currently yours is full of panic. It will be even worse the day of.”

Castiel hates it when Crowley’s right.


	8. Sins of the Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse, alcoholism, and poor mental health, foul language

January 27

 _“I’ll run from this, I’ll run until I begin to understand_  
What holy men really mean when they speak of sin”  
“Pray” -The Amazing Devil-

_Castiel_

Castiel’s sitting in his bed. He finished the required reading for all his classes and decided to start _Paradise Lost_. He has been curious about the book for a while, but he hasn’t read it yet. There are quite a few lines that intrigue him. One is “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven” (Milton, 254-255). Castiel likes this line the most so far. Because it’s true. Because sometimes Castiel gets so wrapped up in his own mind that he feels like his brain is on fire. Because sometimes, he has found paradise in the places he hates and fears the most.

That’s why he loves bees so much. They’re part of his attempt at seeking solace in uncomfortable places. Whenever he goes home and his father has driven him to the point of agony, Castiel goes to the garden where the bees are. Father is allergic to bees. Castiel is not. Sometimes the bees sting Castiel, but they don’t kill him and spending time with bees who sting is a fate far better than spending time with his father who lashes out with his words…and on occasion, his fists.

Is a man who is supposedly holy still holy when he hurts his children?

Castiel has never been sure.

**Dean**

Dean finished all his homework early which is both a relief and a surprise because there was a lot of it. He had to read a bunch of stuff and write a poem for Ellen’s class. He ended up writing an ode to blue eyes which was all he could think about and now that he has submitted it, he kind of wants to crawl into a hole and hide forever. He really hopes Ellen doesn’t ask about his inspiration for _this_ piece because that will be an awkward conversation.

Ordinarily, Dean wouldn’t refer to professors that he respects by their first names, but Dean sees Ellen as family and Ellen has specifically told Dean to call her Ellen. Ellen has a good heart and she and her husband, Bobby, have been looking out for Dean since freshman year when Dean took Interpreting Literature with Bobby and Dean just couldn’t stop coming to Bobby’s office hours. Bobby just…he seemed _safe_ and Dean has been desperate for safe spaces since he was a child. Bobby was nice to him and Dean craved positive feedback, so he went to office hours every time Bobby offered them. Dean tried to just ask about class so it wasn’t too obvious that he was lonely and scared and eighteen and looking for a real adult that he could trust, but sometimes Bobby would let Dean stay longer and they would order pizza in Bobby’s office. Dean always insisted on at least paying the tip because Bobby wouldn’t let him pay for the pizza itself. Dean thinks Bobby knew something was off about him from the start.

Then Dean met Ellen during office hours with Bobby. She’s the one who asked when Dean was going home for Thanksgiving Break and when Dean froze, she’s the one who invited them to their place to spend Thanksgiving with them and their daughter, Jo. Jo’s the best. She was a senior in high school then and now she’s an Engineering major at Virginia Tech.

They just…they all welcomed Dean into their family. He spent Christmas with them again this year. Dean tries his hardest not to take advantage of their kindness, so he keeps his distance as best he can, but he still goes to office hours with Bobby and Ellen whenever he takes one of their classes. And they invite him to dinner once a week.

Dean shakes his head, trying to bring his mind back to the present. He looks at his phone and sees that it’s only 9pm. Dean doesn’t need to be up until noon tomorrow, so Dean makes himself a pot of coffee to help him concentrate and decides to get ahead on some of his readings that way when he has a bad day, he won’t get too far behind.

Maybe.

It’s worth a shot, so he starts reading _Paradise Lost_ for his Milton class.

He doesn’t get very far because he stops when he gets to the bit where Milton writes, “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven” (Milton, 254-255). Those two lines feel like a slap across the face.

Because he has been there. He remembers trying to make Heaven of Hell when he was at home with his dad all those years. He tried to sing himself to sleep whenever his dad was out late drinking and Dean was all alone trying to convince himself not to be afraid of the dark. He tried to make his dad happy. He started making breakfast every morning but all that led to was getting yelled at on the mornings he overslept and didn’t have time. He tried to make himself happy too. He went to school and tried to make friends. He tried to do well. He tried to make the teachers happy and proud of him. But it didn’t work. Nothing ever worked there. Everything was broken. His dad was broken. _Dean_ was broken. And he just…he couldn’t fix it…any of it.

So, he had to leave.

Now, he’s here and he sometimes makes Hell out of Heaven. He can’t concentrate sometimes, and other times he gets so anxious he has trouble leaving his room. Sometimes he hyper-focuses on his own flaws or on a new fandom or on literally anything and then that’s the only thing that matters for a while. Sometimes his brain is a gift: hyper-focusing to do essays or creative writing projects gets those assignments done. But executive dysfunction is a bitch which is why Dean tries to get his shit done early because he knows that eventually, he’ll hit a wall and won’t be able to do anything for a while. It hasn’t happened yet this semester, but Dean’s sure it’s coming.


	9. Crashing Into Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: In the last of the three sections, Castiel goes on a run that’s more of an act of self-harm than self-care. Emotional abuse, foul language
> 
> Stay safe, friends!

_Castiel_

February 1

Castiel is a coward. Two Milton classes have passed since Castiel’s conversation with Crowley about how he should go about giving Dean his phone number. It’s too late to do it now because Dean’s birthday was Castiel’s excuse to give Dean his number. He was supposed to ask him to go get coffee some time and now he can’t do that. Well…that’s not entirely true. Castiel can still ask Dean to go get coffee with him sometime but it would have to be a _spontaneous_ coffee. Castiel didn’t want to ask Dean for a _spontaneous_ coffee. He wanted to have a _reasoned_ coffee. A _timely_ coffee. That way it seems more casual.

Crowley was right. Castiel really has overcomplicated things with Dean.

Castiel lets out a yell of frustration.

Castiel takes a deep breath. He can see his breath. It’s so fucking cold out here.

It’s still better than being in his dorm where Crowley is doing only-he-knows-what with whoever he went on that date with tonight. Despite Crowley’s insistence on being involved in Castiel’s love-life (more like lack thereof) Crowley refuses to tell Castiel anything about his love-life except when he needs Castiel to not be in the room. Like tonight. At 1:46AM. Castiel loves it. He’s just having the _best_ time.

Castiel scrolls through his songs. He’s trying to make a playlist for his next Dancing Badly class. He likes to make a playlist for every class. Which is probably for the best because he will probably never be able to hear “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone without thinking about Dean again. It’s best to teach a class without any distractions. That’s why he can’t add any songs by The Amazing Devil. He might cry and that wouldn’t exactly fit the mood of the class.

He tries “Peach” by The Front Bottoms. After listening to the first few seconds, Castiel is reminded that this song does not fit the upbeat theme of the class either. Even though he does like quite a few of the lines.

_“You are the reason I’m smiling  
when there is nothing to smile about”_

“Castiel? Is that you?” Someone asks.

Who is Castiel kidding? He _knows_ that voice.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel says as he watches Dean approach. “What brings you here?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Dean shrugs. He won’t look Castiel in the eye when he says that which is odd because Dean often looks Castiel in the eyes except when he’s embarrassed. At least…that’s what Castiel thinks Dean does. How can he really be sure?

Castiel isn’t sure what to say. He tries to think of _something_ to say, but nothing comes to mind. He turns off his music to try to signal to Dean that he is open to conversing with him.

“Why are you out here?” Dean asks.

“Just practicing,” Castiel says.

“Practicing?” Dean asks. “Oh, for your class. Duh.” Dean chuckles. “Your class was really fun by the way. Did I tell you that?”

“Thank you.” Castiel smiles.

Castiel’s phone buzzes and he looks at it. It’s the all-clear message from Crowley.

About fucking time.

Castiel almost says his goodbyes, but he glances at Dean who’s looking up at the sky with a wistful smile on his face and his hands in his pockets. Castiel feels warm looking at Dean. He really is so beautiful. So…so _Dean Winchester_. If that makes any sense.

Dean looks at Castiel and an awkward smile spreads across his face, “What?”

Castiel smiles. “Nothing.” He points at the stars. “Do you have a favorite?”

“Nah, I just like looking at ‘em.” Dean replies. “What about you?”

Castiel and Dean fall into a comfortable conversation. They don’t talk about much really. Just the constellations and the wind and their Milton class. Truly, it’s not much. But there’s _something_ about being out here together so late at night with the wind blowing just a little, under the lamp-lights, and Castiel cannot help but drink in every word Dean says and he does his best to memorize every line of Dean’s smile and every note of Dean’s laughter.

Perhaps tonight is not so bad.

…

_Castiel_

February 4

Castiel tries to get to class fifteen minutes early in the hopes of chatting with Dean. Today is no different. Castiel runs into class fifteen minutes early and finds Dean sitting in his usual seat in the back. Castiel joins him.

Despite everything, a small thrill runs through Castiel as he sits beside Dean.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel says.

“Hey Castiel.” Dean says. “How’s it going?”

Panicked and stressed because Castiel nearly left late due to forgetting to set his alarm last night. He didn’t eat breakfast because he wanted to get here early enough.

But Castiel cannot mention that to Dean. That would be weird.

Instead Castiel says, “Good so far. It’s morning so not much has happened.”

Which is not _technically_ a lie.

“What about you?” Castiel asks. “How’s your morning going?”

“Well, I had breakfast with Charlie and she was telling a story but she made herself laugh so hard that orange juice came out of her nose which made her laugh harder. I wish I could’ve recorded it.” Dean chuckles.

“Was it a funny story?”

“Yes, but not nearly as funny as the orange juice spurting out of her nose. It was the funniest disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it.” Castiel cannot help but wince in sympathy for Charlie’s poor nose.

Dean looks at Castiel and laughs.

Castiel’s confused about what’s so funny and he tilts his head to the side as he tries to figure it out.

“Sorry, you just did something with your nose that was so cute—I mean funny.” Dean’s face turns beat red. “Uh, I’ll be right back.”

Dean gets up and leaves.

Did Dean Winchester just call Castiel cute?

Castiel tries to take notes during class, but doesn’t process one word of their professor’s lecture. All he can think about is Dean calling him cute, turning bright red, and practically running out of the room.

What does this mean? Does Dean like Castiel back? Is that why he got embarrassed and left the room until a minute before class started? Or did Dean feel embarrassed for leading Castiel on?

This is so confusing.

…

_Castiel_

February 8

It’s 2:13AM and Castiel’s on a run. He’s listening to “The Horror and the Wild” by The Amazing Devil as he runs and trying to stop himself from thinking about the shitty, shitty conversation he had with his father eight hours ago. His father spent _over an hour_ trying to convince him that majoring in English and Anthropology is equivalent to throwing away his entire life. Fun times.

 _“Fret not dear heart_  
Let not them hear the mutterings of all your fears  
the flutterings of all your wits”

Castiel sprints at this part. He lets the power of the song carry him as he pumps his fists and runs as fast as he can across the walkway next to the Sunken Garden. That conversation was brutal and Castiel is _furious_. He hasn’t been able to fully calm himself down since he spoke to his father. He tried to go to sleep at 11PM, but after lying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking of all the reasons why his father believes that he is a failure, Castiel decided to go for a run. He was out of his dorm by 2AM on the dot. He made sure to dress for the weather. He’s wearing his favorite winter running outfit too. He calls it his bumblebee outfit. He’s wearing a striped yellow and black hoody with a bumblebee pin on it, a white thermal shirt under the hoody, black shorts, white leggings, and yellow and black running shoes. He’s glad he’s wearing all these layers because it’s _cold_. Castiel can feel icy air cut through his lungs as he runs faster and faster and _faster_. Castiel’s going so fast that the cold wind is making his eyes well up with tears and he’s so tired and _sad_ that he just keeps running as they stream down his face. It doesn’t matter that he can’t see. There’s no one out here anyway. Castiel is a hazard to no one but himself.

He can hardly breathe, he can’t see because of his tears, but he keeps going.

He rounds the corner and smacks right into someone and he lands right on top of them.

Holy _fuck_ , Castiel’s luck is just bullshit right now; isn’t it?

“Shit!” The person groans underneath Castiel.

Castiel goes cold. He feels dizzy and suddenly his exhaustion comes crashing down on him like a pile of bricks.

Not him. Not now.

“I am so, sorry.” Castiel scrambles off Dean and then holds out his hand. “Are you okay?”

Dean takes Castiel’s hand and Castiel pulls him to his feet.

“Castiel?” Dean asks.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel releases Dean’s hand and turns his music off. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you okay? What were you running from?”

“My problems,” Castiel says without thinking. He hastily wipes his face.

“Problems?” Dean asks.

Castiel can only look at Dean. He’s so tired and he doesn’t understand why Dean freaked out after calling Castiel cute and now Dean’s being so nice to him, asking him about his problems. Why? Why is this happening? Castiel _does not_ understand.

“You don’t look too good. Do you want me to walk you to your dorm?” Dean asks.

“Why?” Castiel asks. “Why are you being nice to me? I just crashed into you because I wasn’t paying attention and I could’ve really hurt you. Aren’t you mad?”

“No. I’m not mad.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m walking home from work. You’re out here running. Why are you running at,” Dean checks his phone, “2:21 in the morning? Why are you doing this to yourself, man?”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. His eyes well up with new tears and he tries to hold them back, but it doesn’t really work. He scrubs at his face.

“Let’s go get coffee. You like coffee; right?” Dean asks.

 _Of course_ , Dean suggests coffee. The very liquid Castiel runs on.

Castiel laughs. His laugh sounds pitiful. “Yeah, let’s go get some coffee.”

They walk to the Wawa. They’re silent and Dean keeps fidgeting. Castiel doesn’t mind silence, but after bumping into Dean as often as he has, Castiel can tell that Dean hates silence.

“Have you been reading anything good lately?” Castiel asks Dean.

Dean tells Castiel all about the book his friend Benny gave him for his birthday. Castiel lets Dean’s voice carry Castiel through his awful emotions.

They buy coffees and walk around the campus.

“Are you reading anything?” Dean asks.

“I keep switching books. I can’t find anything for leisure reading that sticks as of late.” Castiel replies.

“That sucks.” Dean says. “Reading slumps are the worst.”

“Do you have any recommendations?”

“What do you like to read?”

“Realistic fiction, queer characters, endings that are happy.”

“Have you read _Red, White, & Royal Blue_ by Casey McQuiston?”

“No. What’s it about?”

“The first son of America and the prince of England have an enemies-to-friends-to-lovers situation. There are a lot of discussions of the systematic flaws in the systems of government in the US and in England—especially in terms of the way people of different races and queer identities are treated. There’s serious content, but it’s also really funny.” Dean chuckles.

“That sounds like a worthwhile reading experience. I’m going to have to check it out.”

“You should,” Dean says. “Charlie got it for me for my birthday last year. Alex’s bisexual awakening was pretty similar to mine, actually which is why Charlie bought it for me in the first place.” Dean takes a sip of his coffee. “I have a copy if you want to borrow it. I could bring it to our Milton class one time if you want.”

“That would be really nice. Thanks, Dean.”

“You’re my friend and I want to become a librarian. The very least I can do is let you borrow my books.” Dean grins.

There’s just something about the way Dean said that and the way he’s looking at Castiel with this big grin on his face that fills Castiel’s whole being with joy. He feels like light is shining through him and he laughs. “I’m glad we’re friends, Dean.”

“Yeah? Me too.” Dean replies.

They walk around for a few hours and sit together at the edge of the Sunken Garden and watch the sunrise. Castiel is sure that for the rest of his life, he is never going to forget the way the light slowly began to shine on Dean’s face. Castiel will never forget the relaxation across Dean’s features as he seemed to bask in the sunlight. Castiel will forever treasure this moment with Dean and sunlight.


	10. In the Library (A.K.A. Baby Steps)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse, mental illness, alcoholism, and foul language

**Dean**

It comes in the night. The numbness. It spills into Dean’s veins slowly as if Dean had been bitten by a snake and he can feel the poison coursing around inside of him. He wishes he could pull it out. He wishes he could stop this. He either feels too much or nothing at all and he wishes he didn’t have to feel like this all the time. But he can’t.

And it’s exhausting.

It’s Saturday, February 13, and Dean’s in the Williamsburg Regional Library. Dean likes this library a lot. It’s where he spends most of his time on the weekends whenever he’s not working or hanging out with Charlie or Benny. Or as things have gone these days, when he’s not bumping into Castiel.

Dean’s set up at a table in the young adult literature section. He really likes YA novels and it’s the best place to be for whenever he chooses to take a break. Dean has already taken several breaks and has a small pile of books he plans to check out. There are two YA novels: _Children of Blood and Bone_ by Tomi Adeyemi and _Every Heart a Doorway_ by Seanan McGuire. There are also two adult fantasy novels: _The City We Became_ by N. K. Jemisin and _This is How You Lose the Time War_ by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone.

Usually, Dean would be excited to be here in this building of books and information. But not today. Dean’s just going through the motions today. He keeps getting distracted from his work and hasn’t finished any assignments despite having gotten here at 10AM. He didn’t sleep at all last night and his shitty night has bled into a shittier day. The worst part is, he doesn’t even know what came over him. Suddenly everything turned to darkness and Dean just couldn’t bring himself to care about anything. It’s like his emotions are a cup and every now and again the cup overflows without Dean’s consent and he’s left feeling _empty_ afterwards.

Which really sucks because Dean _loves_ libraries. He used to spend all his time after school at the library to prolong the time before he had to go home. It was the only free place to go and it was one only a mile away from Dean’s house. He would just go hide away in a book until the library closed. He didn’t have very many friends, but he did have the authors of classic novels that he read to prepare for the AP exams, bestselling authors, YA authors, poets. They were his friends.

He isn’t sure if any of the librarians noticed him. He has assumed that they must have. It was probably hard to miss a scraggly-looking kid in flannels two-sizes too big, thrift-store boots that were also too big, and jeans that only stayed up because he had a belt on, stomp into the library, gather up a pile of books, and stay until ten minutes before the library closed. Well, that’s not really what he did. It was more like a kid with loud boots slunk into the library, picked a table where no one ever went, and read in secret without ever checking any of the books out. The last thing he needed was his dad to find a library book in Dean’s possession and destroy it in a drunken rage.

Dean sighs and rubs his face. He looks at his phone. It’s already 7pm. _How_ is it already nighttime? Dean drops his arms onto the tabletop and his stomach growls. Shit. He can’t remember when he last ate. He just…he just _forgot_. Dean really hates his stupid fucking brain.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says.

Dean jumps. “Cas! Shit!” Dean rubs his face again and looks at Castiel. He’s wearing a jean jacket Dean hasn’t seen before; it has a bee pin on it. It’s really cute. Dean wishes he could _tell_ Castiel that without running away.

“Cas?” Castiel asks, scrunching his eyebrows and tilting his head to the side.

“Oh,” Dean’s face heats up. “Uh…nickname. Just kinda popped out, I guess.”

“I like it.” Castiel—Cas—smiles.

Cas is so cute when he smiles. He’s only twenty and he’s already got crows’ feet and somehow, it’s adorable.

Dean’s too tired to think about that line of thinking.

“Are you okay?” Cas asks.

“Uh huh,” Dean replies as tears gather in his eyes.

Fuck.

Why is he getting ready to cry?

He’s so fucking tired.

His stomach growls again.

“Hey Dean, would you be interested in hanging out tonight? I could…I could order some pizza and we could watch a movie in the Camm attic. It’s really nice in there.” Cas asks.

“That sounds,” Hot tears start to spill down Dean’s cheeks. He pretends to yawn for an excuse to cover his face. “That sounds fun. I need to check these out and clean up my mess first though.”

“Of course; would you like some help?”

“No, I got it.” Dean gets up, puts everything but the library books in his backpack and pulls out his wallet. He gets his library card out, closes it, and shoves it back in his jacket pocket. He stumbles and Cas catches him.

Dean feels like every place where Cas touches him is on fire. He looks at Cas and realizes he has never been this close to him before…at least, not in the daylight. He looks into those blue, blue eyes of Cas’s and tries to come up with a comparison for them. What else has he seen that is this shade of blue? Those eyes put the sky and the ocean to shame.

Dean blinks and clears his throat, pulling away from Cas. “Thanks Cas.” Dean says.

“Of course,” Cas says.

_Castiel_

Dean looks like shit. His eyes are bloodshot and glassy, and he keeps yawning like he needs sleep. His stomach keeps growling. His lips are chapped like he hasn’t had any water in a while. And he…he looks drained.

Seeing Dean look so terrible stirs something deep inside Castiel. He’s feeling…perhaps protective is the word? Castiel can’t remember the last time he was in a position to feel protective of someone. He wants to make sure Dean is okay.

Castiel goes through a mental list of things that make a human okay: shelter—sleeping in the library is not an option because it’s about to close, so someone needs to make sure Dean finds his way to a safe place tonight, food—most people Castiel knows like pizza, so Castiel gets them pizza for dinner, and entertainment—Castiel decides to put on a movie for them to watch.

During the movie, Dean ends up falling asleep with his face pressed against Castiel’s shoulder.

Castiel debates with himself over whether or not he should wake Dean up and make sure he gets to his dorm. Sometime during that mental debate, Castiel falls asleep as well.

**Dean**

Dean wakes up with his neck in an awkward position. He opens his eyes and realizes he’s leaning against someone’s shoulder. That’s…odd. He moves—slowly because he can feel the other person’s face pressed against the top of his head—and realizes that he’s leaning against Cas.

Oh.

That’s not awkward at all.

Dean carefully pulls away.

Despite his efforts, he ends up waking Cas up.

“Hello Dean,” Cas yawns.

“Hey Cas,” Dean replies. He tries to remember all that transpired last night and from what he can tell, Castiel saw him at the library, felt sorry for him, brought him to the dorm, fed him, watched a movie with him, and allowed him to fall asleep on him. That was…nice. Nice is definitely the word.

But _why_ is Cas being so nice to Dean? What could Cas _possibly_ want from him? Dean doesn’t exactly have a lot to offer anyone. He can only offer pieces of himself to his friends. He can only offer his words to Ellen and Bobby and he sprinkles in some pieces of himself for them too. Does Cas want a piece of Dean? Which pieces would he accept?

“Thanks for yesterday.” Dean says. “Do you want me to pay you back for the pizza—I forgot to offer last night.”

“No. It was my treat.” Cas says.

Dean nods. “Well…thanks.”

“I wanted to do something nice for a friend.” Cas shrugs.

Friends? Yes, they are friends. It feels like their friendship happened so quickly. Yet, sometimes…sometimes it feels as if Cas has been in Dean’s life forever, but their friendship is still so new. At times, Dean struggles to find the right word for their friendship.

Dean always hits a wall when searching for a better word than friendship to describe this situation between Dean and Castiel because well…what _else_ should Dean call this thing between him and Cas? A profound bond? An unspoken thing between Castiel and Dean where Dean feels pulled towards Castiel like he’s the opposite side of a magnet or something? This weird experience where Dean kind of just wants to spill his guts to Cas and tell him all his thoughts and feelings even though he has no real reason to except that Cas is kind and funny and a little bit wild and he seems simultaneously open and closed in a way that Dean can’t describe?

And Dean hasn’t even asked for the guy’s number.

Pathetic.

“Wanna exchange numbers? For friendship purposes.” Dean plasters a grin on his face.

A soft smile forms of Cas’s face and he hands Dean his phone. “Sure,”

Dean blinks in surprise and feels a little giddy on the inside as he hands Cas his own phone then takes Cas’s phone and types in his name and number. They switch phones again. Dean looks at his new contact: Cas. Cas even added a little bee emoji next to his name.

“I gotta ask, what’s with you and bees?” Dean asks.

“Oh,” Cas blinks. “It’s awkward. Um, well, my father and I don’t always get along, so when I needed alone-time, I would go hang out in the garden with the bees. He’s allergic to bees. I’m not.” Cas looks a little sheepish but there’s also…something else in his eyes. It’s the look Bobby gets when he talks about his father…it’s probably the look Dean gets when he talks about his own dad.

“I think I get it a little,” Dean can’t believe he’s actually going to say this. “I used to hide away in libraries until they closed. I didn’t like being at home with my dad.”

“Is that why you want to become a librarian?” Cas asks.

Dean nods. “They’re a third place where kids can be for free. And the ones from shitty homes can have a safe haven until the library closes.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me.” Cas is giving Dean a meaningful look.

Dean has to look away. “Yeah; you too.” Dean says.

They sit in silence for a few minutes.

Dean’s heart speeds up. He needs to say something about yesterday. He doesn’t want to, but he knows he _should_ say something.

Dean scratches the back of his neck and says, “Thanks for yesterday—not just the pizza—you didn’t have to say “hi” when you saw me at the library. You didn’t have to catch me every time I tripped over my own feet. You didn’t have to ask if I was okay.” Dean’s voice breaks and his face feels hot as tears prick his eyes. “You didn’t have to…to,” Dean takes a deep breath. “You didn’t have to _help_ me. So, thanks for that.”

“Like I said, you’re my friend.” Is all Cas says.

Dean looks at Cas and sees Cas looking right back at him with those piercing dark blue eyes of his. Dean doesn’t understand. Dean hasn’t earned this. He’s supposed to _earn_ these things. Friendship. Kindness. General consideration. That’s how his whole life has gone.

Well…with some exceptions. Charlie. Bobby. Ellen. Benny.

But even then, Dean tries to pay them back for their kindness.

Dean hasn’t done anything to earn this kindness from Castiel. He’s not even sure _how_ to pay Castiel back.

Dean realizes he’s staring at Castiel. No, he’s staring at Cas; Dean likes calling him Cas and he thinks Cas likes it too. Dean says, “You’re my friend too.” Then for the sake of honesty and reciprocation he adds, “I like hanging out with you.”

“I like hanging out with you too.”

“You probably didn’t have much fun last night though. I’m pretty sure I cried.”

“Dean, you’re human. Humans have emotions. We all cry sometimes.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say.

“Why would you be an exception to the crying rule of humanity?” Cas asks.

Now Dean _really_ doesn’t know what to say. Why _should_ Dean be banned from crying? What? Because his dad told him not to cry? He also told him it’s good to drink your feelings away and that led to Dean developing a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol that Dean has spent the past six months trying to fix.

“You have seen me cry. Have you placed judgement on me for that?” Cas asks.

“No.” Dean says.

“Then perhaps you should consider treating yourself with the same humanity you afford everyone else.” Cas suggests. “After all, several of the things you thanked me for are things you’ve done for me such as giving me company when I was upset.

“You’re right.” Dean admits. “It’s just…it’s _hard_.”

Cas nods. “I understand. Old habits are hard to break.”

Based on the agony that had been etched on Cas’s face in the wee hours of Monday morning, Dean has a feeling that Cas really does understand something about breaking old habits.


	11. The Text

February 15

_Castiel_

Castiel-What should I say?

Meg-What did you have in mind?

Castiel-I was thinking of saying, “Hello, Dean” but I don’t know if I should say “Hello, Dean” or “Hello Dean”

Castiel’s phone starts to ring. It’s Meg. He answers it. “Hello?”

“Okay, listen up because we both know I don’t do mushy often, so this is your allotment for the next—I don’t know—say the next month. You listening?”

Castiel can’t help but chuckle at Meg’s words. He wishes his friend were here now so he could smirk at her. Meg _is_ tough as nails and Castiel would hate to be her enemy, but she is also very tender with her friends.

“Of course,” Castiel replies.

“Castiel, you’re wonderful. You’re my best friend and I love you. You are also overcomplicating this for yourself because you have such a big heart, and you care way too much. You need to chill. Try to stop freaking out about this. Dean is not going to care if you add a comma or if you don’t. He’s just going to care that you reach out. You have been talking to him fairly frequently in person already. Trust your judgement. And for what it’s worth, I would throw in a hug right about now, but I’m literally at Walmart in my two-hour break before my statistics class and you’re wherever you are, so that’s not going to happen. Just be yourself. Because you’re awesome and it’s his loss if he doesn’t like you back. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good.”

Castiel smiles. “You’re a very nice person Meg.”

“You take that back.”

“No.”

“Don’t get used to it.” Meg hangs up.

Castiel chuckles and shakes his head.

He pulls up Dean’s contact and creates a new text. His heart beats quickly as he presses the send button. Now his message has been delivered. Now, he must wait.

**Dean**

Dean’s eating lunch with Benny and Garth at Campus Center. They’re being mushy again so when Dean’s phone beeps, he looks at it. His heart just about stutters to a stop when he sees he has a text from Cas.

Cas: Hello, Dean.

Dean can’t help but smile. It’s always “Hello, Dean” with Castiel Novak and Dean’s not sure why he finds it so endearing.

“You finally get your text?” Benny asks.

Dean puts his phone down and says, “Maybe,”

“Aww Dean. You must be excited. What did he say?” Garth smiles.

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean replies.

“Are you going to text him back?” Garth asks.

“Yeah, but I don’t want you two to watch.” Dean says.

“I can fix that. Hey Garth, let’s go sit at a table over there and watch Dean where he can’t see us.” Benny says.

Dean flips Benny off.

Garth laughs.

Dean considers flipping Garth off, but it’s _Garth_. Flipping him off would be like flipping off a baby otter or something. You just don’t _do_ that.

Dean looks at his phone again and sends Cas a reply.

_Castiel_

Castiel jumps when his phone buzzes. He pulls it out of his pocket with such ferocity that he accidently flings it across the room. Castiel runs across the room and dives for his phone. He opens his messages app and sees that the text _is_ in fact from Dean.

Dean-Hey Cas. What’s up?

Castiel’s heart drops. What _is_ up? What’s Castiel doing that is of interest? He has spent the past five minutes waiting for his phone to make noise indicating that Dean has replied to his text. Prior to that, he had an 8am class and then taught a 9:30am class at the Rec and then spent an hour trying to figure out how to start a conversation with Dean.

Time to lie.

Badly.

Castiel picks up his book for his Romanticism class and reads a sentence.

Then he sends Dean a text.

**Dean**

Cas replies after four minutes.

Benny laughs as Dean hurriedly looks at his phone. Dean flips him off again as he opens the message.

Castiel: Not much. You?

Dean sighs with relief. He has something normal to reply. It’s not one of the days when he’s staring at his laptop trying to figure out what to write next in his latest fanfiction piece or one of the days when he’s nearly out of his mind with boredom because even though there are lots of things for him to do, _nothing_ sounds worthwhile.

_Castiel_

Dean’s reply comes within a minute of Castiel’s.

Dean-Eating lunch with Benny and Garth.

Castiel pulls up Spotify and chooses a playlist at random. “Longshot” by Catfish and the Bottleman plays first.

Castiel feels bold and types his reply.

**Dean**

Cas: I suppose you wouldn’t want to play a game then. Perhaps later?

Dean raises his eyebrows. A game. What kind of game? What does he mean?

Castiel really is an enigma inside a mystery inside a box that has no key sometimes. At least that’s how it feels to interact with him. Or maybe Dean’s just getting philosophical in his confusion. Who knows? Dean sure as hell doesn’t.

“Hey Dean, we were planning on leaving soon. Wanna head out?” Garth asks.

“Yeah,” Dean says. “But first. Can I ask for your help?”

“Sure, buddy.” Garth replies.

“How do you know he didn’t mean me?” Benny asks.

“I definitely did not mean you.” Dean says.

Benny flips Dean off.

“He said he wanted to play a game.” Dean says. “What could he have meant?”

“Get ready to take some pictures.” Benny laughs.

“Shut up, dear.” Garth says. “He could mean a number of things, Dean. You just need to ask. Communication is not always your strong-point, but that’s what you need to do here.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks. “I just have to ask shit?”

“That’s how you make friends, brother.” Benny slaps Dean’s back.

“It’s how you form any kind of relationship.” Garth says.

“That sucks.” Dean says.

“Yeah, it does.” Benny says. He puts his arm around Garth’s shoulders. “But it’s worth it.”

Dean feels a twinge of jealousy. These two have already figured this shit out. They have each other and everything’s sunshine and unicorns shitting out rainbows. Well…probably not. Dean _has_ met Benny after all. And he knows from Lisa that relationships involve a lot of give and take and all that shit until someone gives up. Dean’s usually the one who gives up. Does he really want to try anything like this again? If that’s even what this is?

Dean shakes his head.

He knows his answer.

He looks at his phone again and types.

_Castiel_

Dean-What kind of game?

Castiel feels giddy and does a little dance around his dorm.

He texts Meg.

Castiel-I think this is going well! :)

Meg-Told you. :P

Castiel laughs.

Then he types again.

**Dean**

“All right guys. This was a good lunch that became a little awkward because of me. So, sorry and also thanks, I guess.” Dean says.

Garth hugs Dean. “We’re friends, Dean. This is what friends do.”

Dean hugs Garth back. “Talk about feelings and shit?”

“Yeah. Sometimes literally both because feelings can be shit.” Garth says.

Dean laughs and pulls away.

“See ya, brother.” Benny hugs Dean.

“Bye, Benny.” Dean hugs Benny back.

They walk out of Campus Center together and then part ways.

Dean’s phone beeps as he starts walking back to his dorm. He looks at it.

Cas: I was thinking we could play Favorites.

Dean: Okay.

Dean: What’s Favorites?

Cas: We go back and forth asking about each other’s favorite things. For instance: Favorite song?

Dean: “Ramble On” by Led Zeppelin. You?

Cas: Either “Farewell Wanderlust” by The Amazing Devil or “Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine.

Cas: Now you ask me a favorite.

Dean thinks for a moment. What _does_ he want to know about Cas? Dean decides to start with the easy favorites.

Dean: Favorite beverage?

Cas: Coffee. You?

Dean: Same. Your turn.

C _astiel_

There’s something about knowing that Dean’s favorite beverage is coffee that makes Castiel’s heart skip a beat. Maybe it’s because that means that he and Dean could hypothetically both enjoy getting coffee together again sometime in the future. Perhaps.

Castiel-Favorite food?

Dean-That’s hard.

Dean-Probably burgers?

Dean-But I do like pizza a lot.

Dean-What about you?

Castiel-I like soups. Not any specific soup but just soup in general.

Dean-I hear you. I ate almost nothing but soup all freshman year because I lived next to Campus Center and had a constant supply.

Castiel laughs. His heart flutters in his chest like it has wings. It’s nice to get to know more about Dean.

**Dean**

Dean settles in on a bench next to the Sunken Garden. It’s in front of Ewell Hall and it’s Dean’s favorite bench because sometimes people practice their instruments near the building. A couple people have even climbed trees to practice amongst the branches.

Dean’s phone beeps and he opens up the message.

Cas: Favorite color?

The first image that flashes through Dean’s mind is Castiel’s wide blue eyes and he immediately types his response.

Dean: blue

Then he feels cold as he looks at what he just sent.

 _Fuck_.

He can’t believe he just _sent_ that. That was so stupid.

Dean: You?

Cas: Green.

Holy shit.

That doesn’t mean anything.

Just because Dean has green eyes, it does not mean that he’s the reason that Castiel’s favorite color is green.

No way.

Not a chance.

Nope.

Dean: Favorite plant?

Cas: I like weeping willows. They look sad. What about you?

Dean: I like lilies.

Cas: Favorite holiday?

Dean: Halloween.

Dean loves having a chance to be someone he is not.

Dean: You?

Cas: Christmas

Of course. _Of course,_ Cas’s favorite holiday is Christmas. That horrible, horrible holiday. This year was good but that’s only because of Bobby and Ellen and Jo. Dean still has to live with his shitty memories.

Cas: I like all the lights everyone puts up. And the peppermint drinks.

Dean feels warm. There’s something so…so _Cas_ about that. Loving lights and peppermint drinks. He just…he seems like someone who can appreciate the smaller, less significant parts of things. Usually, people like the trees and the presents and the family gatherings and the cookies. At least in Dean’s experience. Maybe Cas’s love for lights and peppermint drinks is actually an average part of Christmas to like and Dean just doesn’t know because he hates Christmas, so he doesn’t have the context to understand Cas’s favorite parts of it.

But Dean doesn’t care.

It’s nice that Cas is someone who likes things like peppermint and lights.

Dean smiles and types his new favorite for Cas.


	12. Paying Anything To Roll The Dice Just One More Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of child abuse, foul language

**Dean**

It’s Thursday, February 18, and in typical Thursday fashion, the campus is a flurry of movement and sound and laughter and raised glasses. Dean wishes he could’ve gotten assigned a Thursday night shift at the library just to avoid the crowds. It’s not that Dean can blame anyone for wanting to have a good time. It’s just awkward because Dean’s trying to do his homework. He needs to finish a draft for a short story for his speculative fiction class by tomorrow. Ellen already gave him an extension on this one, and Dean really needs to make sure he finishes this time. Unfortunately, Dean has been working on this for six hours and all he has to show for it is half a page of bullshit and a brain that can’t focus. Perfect.

It sucks that today’s ending on such a terrible note. It had been a nice day. Dean got to the Milton class early and talked to Cas for a bit. Then they got lunch together after class which they’ve been doing for a few weeks now. Dean really enjoys his talks with Cas. But today…today Cas seemed off. Dean couldn’t figure out why, and when he asked if something was wrong, Cas said he didn’t want to talk about it, so Dean let it go. It’s hard not to worry though. Dean will probably send Cas a text tomorrow to check on him, but he’ll leave him alone for tonight.

Dean shakes his head, trying to rid himself of thoughts of the blue-eyed-wonder, and checks his phone for the time. It’s nearly midnight.

 _Shit_.

Fuck this. Dean needs a break.

He grabs everything he needs and shoves it into his thrift-store leather jacket. Then he walks out of his dorm on his way to Wawa. An occasional cup of Wawa coffee won’t hurt his budget too much. He really loves those mochas with the extra caffeine.

As soon as Dean gets outside, he hears someone singing.

_“Working hard to get my fill,  
Everybody wants a thrill,”_

There’s something about the voice that seems…familiar. But Dean can’t be sure.

_Paying anything to roll the dice,  
just one more time!”_

The person lets out a sob.

_“Some win, some will lose,  
Some are born to sing the blues!”_

Dean keeps walking and once he reaches the crosswalk, he knows exactly who it is.

It’s Cas. He’s staggering around in the middle of the road, singing at the top of his lungs. He’s wearing a tan trench-coat, a white shirt, a blue tie that’s mostly undone, and black slacks. He’s got a big bottle of something in his hand. Liquid keeps sloshing out of it, splattering unceremoniously onto the ground and his slacks.

Something’s wrong. It’s not that Dean thinks Cas shouldn’t be allowed to drink. It’s just that there’s something off about Cas drinking alone, singing loudly, and crying.

Dean rushes over to Cas.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks Cas.

“Dean!” Cas grins at him. “It’s so good to see you!”

“What happened?”

“I went to the bar and drank. A lot. I—I probably owe someone money and someone else wanted to sleep with me but I declined his invitation, so now I’m here. I didn’t want to sleep with him because I like—I like someone—someone,” Cas hurls all over both of their shoes.

“Fuck,” Cas mumbles. “Ow,”

“You don’t look so good. Can I bring you back to your dorm?” Dean asks.

“Sure,” Cas giggles.

Dean feels his face burn. “I just wanna get you someplace safe, Cas.”

“Okay,” Cas says. “Follow me.” Cas staggers forward and Dean follows. Cas trips on the sidewalk and Dean barely catches him before he hits the ground. Dean grabs Cas’s left arm and puts it around his shoulders to help steady Cas.

“You smell good.” Cas says.

“You’re making this a little weird, Cas.” Dean says.

“Oh, my apologies.”

Cas doesn’t say anything the whole way to Camm.

“You need to use your card to get in. Can you grab it?” Dean asks.

Cas gets his card out, swipes, and the doors open.

Dean doesn’t trust Cas to make it up there by himself, so he puts Cas’s left arm around his shoulders again, and leads him up the stairs.

“Which floor are you?” Dean asks.

“Third,” Cas replies.

 _Great_. Cas is the same size as Dean and he’s not exactly helping much when it comes to making sure he remains upright. They finally get to Cas’s room and Dean tries the doorknob. It’s unlocked.

“Ah, I see his knight in shining flannels has arrived.” Cas’s roommate—Crowley—says.

Dean frowns. Cas has mentioned that Crowley likes to tease him. Dean didn’t realize that Crowley teases Cas about _him_.

Dean tries to ignore Crowley and leads Cas to the bed with the bumble bee print comforter. This side of the room is messy. There are socks and shirts under the bed. The desk looks like a tornado blew over it. This wall is covered in pictures of different types of bees and there is a cat calendar near the bed.

“I see you two had a wild night.” Crowley says.

“No. We didn’t. I found him like this.” Dean snaps. “Why the hell didn’t _you_ go get him? The window’s open and you could see him out on the street from here!”

Crowley shrugs and Dean feels lightheaded with anger.

Cas throws up again. Fortunately, he misses his bedding and all the puke lands on the floor.

“Ah, well. That’s my cue to leave.” Crowley gets up and walks out the door. “Take care of our _Cas_.”

Dean tries to focus on Cas even though he kind of wants to tell Crowley to go fuck himself.

“Cas, we need to find you some clothes. Where are they?” Dean asks.

“I’m tired, Dean.” Cas hugs himself.

“I bet, but you need to get something clean on. You’re a bit of a mess, pal.”

Cas nods and staggers off the bed.

“Watch out for the puke,” Dean puts his arm out to block Cas from stepping in it.

Cas looks at the puke and steps over it. He goes through a drawer and produces clothes. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

“Okay,” Dean says.

Cas leaves.

Dean looks down at the puke and tries to figure out how to clean it.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean mumbles.

…

**Dean**

Half an hour later, Dean has cleaned the floor, Cas has changed into bee pajamas, and Dean has found a trashcan and placed it by Cas’s bed.

Cas is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. He hasn’t moved in ten minutes and Dean is running out of ways to fidget.

“What happened, man?” Dean asks.

“Father visited.” Cas says in a wavering voice. “Had to be father’s _little angel_.”

“Ah, that sounds rough.”

“He is.” Cas sniffles. “He—he _hates_ me.”

Dean feels like he has been punched.

“Oh,” Dean whispers. “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

Cas looks at Dean. His eyes are glassy. “Thank you for bringing me back here. You didn’t have to.”

“I’d be a pretty shitty friend if I didn’t,” Dean claps Cas on the shoulder.

Cas lets out a laughing sob. “You’re very kind, Dean.” Cas lets out another sob. “Shit. I’m sorry.” He covers his face.

Dean hugs Cas. He doesn’t think about it, he just sits on the bed, grabs his friend, and hugs him tightly.

“I’m sorry I’m crying.” Cas hugs Dean back. “I’m just so messed up right now and—and it’s hard _not_ to cry when I think about the fact that the very—the very _essence_ of my true self would—would scandalize my father,” Cas gasps for breath, “well, my whole—my whole family really—except my older brother,” Cas sobs. “Gabriel. And—and—and I go through such great lengths to—to _hide_ who I am from my father. But—but—but he still—he _still_ hates me. I’ll never—I’ll never—I’ll never be—be,” Cas gasps for breath.

“Hey, hey, Cas. Breathe. Okay? Just breathe. Just try to breathe through it.” Dean can feel Cas’s tears soak into his shirt and he hugs him tighter.

Cas cries for a long time. Then he pulls away.

“Sorry,” Cas sniffles. “I didn’t mean to spoil your evening. I just—I just have trouble coping when—when my—when my father is here. At home there are rules, but here. Here I’m supposed to—supposed to—supposed to be—be _free_. At least…as free as I can be.” Cas looks right at Dean and blinks and says, “Sometimes—sometimes I do weird stuff just so—just so I can tell him about it later—like the Triathalon and the running at midnight. That stuff’s all to—all to—all to hide a lie. All to—all to—all to hide—to hide _me_.” Cas lets out another sob and covers his mouth.

Dean knows better than to ask why Cas can’t just tell his dad. It’s probably the same reason that Dean could never tell his dad about who he is: Cas wants to have a home to return.

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean says. “You deserved better than him.”

“At least—at least he’s paying for my college. If he’s going to be an—an ass—ass—asshole, the least he can do is pay for my education so I can—so I can choose to remain on the other side of the country.” Cas shrugs, swiping at his eyes. “Like I said, it’s just—it’s just—it’s just—it’s just hard,” his voice falters, “when he’s here.”

Dean’s never sure how to talk to people when they talk about their troubles. He always wants to help, but he never knows what to say.

“I think my dad may have been like your dad.” Dean admits. “I had to escape just to get here.”

“What happened, Dean?” Cas looks right at him with those blue eyes of his and Dean has to look away.

Dean can’t believe he’s saying this. Only Charlie knows the full story. Dean decides to give Cas the Cliff Notes version.

“My mom left with my little brother when I was six and my dad decided to drink his life away. The day of Freshman Orientation, I packed up all my shit, stole money for a train-ticket, and I haven’t talked to him since. I don’t know if he knows where I am. Or if he cares.”

“I’m sorry Dean.”

“I’m sorry too Cas.”

“Some pair we are. Both with shitty dads and putting a lot of hope into this school.”

“Yeah, we’re pretty sad; huh?” Dean nudges Cas’s shoulder.

Cas frowns and shakes his head. “Not sad. Hopeful…we got out.”

“Yeah,” Dean nods. “Coulda gotten stuck there.”

Neither says anything for a few moments.

“You know, if anything’s bothering you—like tonight. You could tell me next time.” Dean says.

Cas smiles. “Thank you, Dean. You can tell me when you’re upset too.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean says.

They spend some more time talking. They’re not talking about anything important really. They’re just sitting side-by-side on Cas’s bed, leaning against the wall. Eventually, Cas nods off and his head falls onto Dean’s shoulder.

Dean looks at his friend and wishes he could help him more than just dragging him back here. Dean listens to the sound of Cas snoring quietly—so quietly that it’s kind of cute—and eventually, Dean falls asleep.

…

**Dean**

Dean wakes up next to Cas. Cas’s face is pressed against Dean’s shoulder and he’s curled up in a ball beside Dean.

Shit.

It’s Friday already. Dean still hasn’t finished his story for Ellen.

That’s at least one letter-grade markdown.

 _Fuck_.

Dean looks at Cas again. Cas needed someone last night. Dean would be that person for him again if he had to. Getting a shitty grade on an assignment is worth it if it means Cas is okay.


	13. Friendlier/This isn’t a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: references to child abuse (Castiel's father is mentioned), foul language

February 27

_Castiel_

Dean has become friendlier since the incident last Thursday. There is a noticeable difference in terms of Dean’s openness, his smiles, his texts. It’s not much really. Everything is just a little more frequent. Dean has mentioned pieces of his childhood. Dean smiles at Castiel more. Dean sends Castiel random texts during the day of weird squirrels he finds on campus. That is actually something Castiel finds rather endearing. Dean even includes little captions for the squirrels of what they’re doing, saying, and their thoughts. It's adorable.

The problem is, Castiel’s not sure why Dean’s doing all this. Does Dean feel sorry for him now that he knows about Castiel’s father?

As if on cue, Castiel’s phone buzzes. It’s Dean.

Dean-Do you want to hang out today or do you already have plans?

Dean-Sorry for asking day-of.

Dean-I’m shit at planning things in advanced

Dean-Ask Charlie

Castiel is perplexed by the messages. Not their literal meaning, but their deeper meaning. Is there one? Castiel’s not sure.

Why is Dean asking Castiel to hang out _now?_ Why not before? Are they somehow closer in their friendship now that they have seen the other cry? Castiel does not understand. He _hates_ that he doesn’t understand.

Truth be told, Castiel kind of wanted to spend today in bed doing homework while _Nailed It!_ plays in the background. Crowley lets Castiel use his tv and his Netflix account. Crowley’s very open about his tv subscription passwords. In return, Castiel has shared his Spotify student account with Crowley. It ruined his algorithm, but Castiel has probably ruined Crowley’s algorithm for the tv subscriptions too, so Castiel has decided they’re both making sacrifices here. Of course, Crowley probably likes that their data is all over the place. Crowley seems to thrive on chaos.

Castiel realizes he has probably let too much time pass before answering the texts. As much as he had wanted to stay in, he wants to see Dean too, so he types a response.

Castiel-What did you have in mind?

Castiel watches the dots move and then disappear. Then move again. Then disappear. Then Dean starts sending messages.

Dean-I was thinking coffee.

Dean-We could walk over to Wawa and get coffee and walk around Dog Street?

Castiel _does_ like walking down the Duke of Gloucester street. People always walk their dogs which is fun to see. Avoiding the horse droppings is not very fun and Castiel tends to trip over the cobblestone paths, but it’s worth it for the dogs…and the time to be spent with Dean. Besides, Castiel has never been one to say no to coffee.

**Dean**

This isn’t a date.

It’s not.

Does Dean wish it was a date?

Maybe.

Did Dean wear his favorite outfit and try to do something with his hair?

Yes.

Did Dean make sure to put on deodorant?

Yes, because he’s not gross.

Does it matter that Castiel said that he smelled good when he was drunk, and Dean had just put deodorant on and now Dean’s trying to recreate that fresh-deodorant smell?

No. It does not.

Dean sighs.

Yes, Dean wishes that this is a date.

But it isn’t.

But there’s no harm in looking nice and smelling good when going out to meet a friend.

Especially a cute, geeky friend who has an affinity for bumble bees.

Dean finishes cleaning the mud off his boots and then puts them on, lacing them up carefully.

Dean walks out of his dorm and waits for Cas near the bike racks. He listens to music on his phone. It took him forever to save up for this thing. He’s glad he’s able to pay for it with his library job. Working twenty-three hours a week needs to give Dean _some_ benefits.

Dean sees Cas walk out of his dorm wearing a pair of Converse high tops with a pattern of cartoon bees on them. He’s wearing black ripped skinny jeans, a yellow hoody, and his hair is doing a little swoopy thing in the front like he put gel in it.

“Hiya, Cas.” Dean grins back at Cas.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas smiles back. He puts his hands in his hoody pocket.

Dean’s a little disappointed. He’s not sure _why_ it should matter that Cas has his hands in his hoody pocket. It’s not like Dean’s going to get to hold Cas’s hand today…or _ever_ probably.

“Oh, you paid for the last thing, so coffee’s on me. Okay? Whatever you want.” Dean says.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Cas says.

“I know I don’t _have_ to, but I _want_ to.” Dean replies.

Cas looks at Dean and tilts his head to the side. He’s squinting a little as he studies him like he’s confused.

Finally, Cas shakes his head and sighs. “Okay, I think I know what’s going on.”

Dean’s heart stutters to a stop and he feels simultaneously cold and hot from head to toe.

“What?” Dean croaks.

Does Cas know that Dean has a crush? Has he been that obvious about it?

“You feel sorry for me because of Thursday.” Cas glares at Dean. “I don’t _need_ you to feel sorry for me, Dean.”

Dean blinks and takes a step back. “What? I don’t feel sorry for you.” Dean says. “What have I done to make you feel like that?”

“You’re—you’re different. Not a lot. You’re—you’re more open. You’re asking to hang out randomly. I don’t understand why you’re doing this. Are you just feeling sorry for me because you know my father hates me?”

“What? No! Of course not.”

“Well, then what is the reason? I can think of no other possible reason for you to start being significantly friendlier with me than,” Cas’s voice cuts off and he looks like he has been hit. He stares at Dean with his eyes wide and says, “Unless you figured out who I like.”

“What are you talking about, man?”

“You _know_.” Cas’s voice falters. “Don’t you?”

“Know what?”

Cas glares at Dean. His cheeks are turning red, and his eyes are welling up with tears. “You know that I like you. And you feel sorry for me because I like you and you don’t like me back.” Cas whispers.

Dean blinks.

He feels like his brain has shorted.

Cas likes him.

Cas _likes_ him?

Dean had _hoped_ , but he never quite let himself believe this could be true.

Cas lets out a frustrated huff and says, “Goodbye, Dean.”

“Cas, wait!” Dean scrambles in front of Cas and reaches out to touch him, but doesn’t because it’s too soon. So instead, he puts his hands behind his back and says, “Hear me out.”

“Why?” Pain is etched across Cas’s features.

“Because I like you too!” Dean all but shouts.

He puts his hands in front of his mouth. He cannot believe he admitted that. He can’t believe he couldn’t say it in a nicer voice.

Cas takes a step back and says, “What?”

“Cas, I—I like you.” Dean’s voice shakes and he feels like he might throw up, but he presses on. “I think I have for a while. I just, I _like_ being around you and I want to be around you more. That was why I wanted to hang out more. You’re my friend but I don’t have feelings for you that are strictly friendship feelings. I—I don’t want to stare into the eyes of my friends because their eyes are the deepest blue I’ve ever seen. I don’t write fucking sonnets about the fact that the sky and the ocean and every other magnificent thing on this earth are nothing compared to those blue eyes. I don’t get chills when I hear my friends say my name. I don’t want to hold my friends’ hand unless there’s something wrong. I don’t feel like my whole body is on fire when I accidently bump into my friend or brush shoulders with them or I fall, and they pull me to my feet. I don’t feel that with my other friends.”

Cas squints at Dean. “But…you do with me?”

Dean nods. “I just…I want to…to hold your hand, like the song.”

Cas tilts his head to the side, “Like the Hootie and the Blowfish song?”

“I was thinking of a different song. But it probably means the same thing.”

A small sound escapes Cas’s throat and he shakes his head, pulling out his phone. He types something into it and thrusts it at Dean. Dean takes it and sees that Cas has pulled up the lyrics to the song.

Oh.

 _Oh_.

 _“Hold my hand_  
Maybe we can’t change the world but  
I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can, yeah”

“I’m not sure if it’s love—not yet at least.” Dean admits. “But I’d like to find out.”

“I would too.” Cas says immediately. He takes a step closer to Dean.

“Yeah?” Dean smiles at Cas.

“Yes.” Cas takes another step closer to Dean. “Being around you is…it’s special. I enjoy seeing you smile, and I like to hear you talk about all the ways you want to make the world better. You’re one of the good things that exist in this world and I like to be near you for a lot of reasons, but your goodness is one of them. Like you said, you’re my friend, but you’re also something else.” Cas shakes his head. “It’s as if we have a profound bond of sorts and we keep drawing near each other. I don’t understand it, but I would like to find out.”

Dean offers his hand to Cas.

Cas studies Dean’s hand for a moment. Then he takes it, lacing their fingers. He smiles at Dean and his eyes shine as if Dean just promised him the whole damn world.

Dean feels a thrill go up his spine and he feels warm from his head to his toes. This feels…important…and a little dangerous—this is _too_ important for Dean—he’s probably going to screw it up.

But most of all, this feels right.

Dean looks at their hands and he feels…he doesn’t even know. Hope? Yeah, that’s the word. When he looks at their hands, he thinks maybe…he _won’t_ screw this up. Maybe—just maybe—this might actually work out.

He looks at Cas who’s smiling at him. Dean looks right into Cas’s eyes and smiles.

Yes, this can work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally did it!!:)


	14. And So It Begins (Part 1: The Friends)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: foul langauge

**_Part 1: The Friends_ **

February 27

_Castiel_

After parting ways with Dean, Castiel sends Meg a text requesting to meet up with her immediately because he has important news to share.

They meet on the Terrace outside of the Sadler Center. The location was Meg’s idea because she had been in the library at the time that she received Castiel’s text and the Terrace is a five minute walk from the library and a five minute walk from Castiel’s dorm.

As soon as Castiel sees Meg, he rushes over and says, “Dean said he likes me.”

Meg hugs Castiel with such force that Castiel nearly falls over as Meg yells, “Holy shit! _Finally!”_

“Finally?” Castiel hugs his friend back.

“After everything you’ve told me about lover-boy, yes, this is a finally sort of situation. It was obvious he liked you. Took you two long enough to admit it to each other.”

“We only just started hanging out, Meg.”

Meg pulls away and laughs. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. You sent me that _long_ text on January 4th talking about how I would never guess who you bumped into at the bookstore and how it was Dean Winchester—the _very_ cute and hilarious English major you’ve had three classes with—and he was just _so_ charming and handsome and how you were freaking out because you said that it was a shame you two never talk and you went on and on about it for an hour. And then you two kept bumping into each other and you talked constantly about how much you _liked_ that you two kept bumping into each other. Then, you two started seeking each other out. It was obvious that you would end up together.”

“It wasn’t obvious to _me!”_ Castiel exclaims as his face heats up.

“I told you that he liked you like, two weeks ago. You didn’t listen to me.” Meg shrugs.

“Meg, I love you. You are my best friend, but you are irritating sometimes.”

“I love you too, you dork.” Meg wraps her arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “Come on, I’ll buy you some coffee and you can tell me all the details of your confession.”

…

**Dean**

As soon as Cas is out of sight, Dean calls Charlie and says, “I need to meet up. I have to tell you something.”

Ten minutes later, Dean has explained the whole awkward ordeal and Charlie gives Dean a soft shoulder-punch and a hug. “I knew it! I _knew_ it would happen!” She squeals.

“You did? _I_ didn’t.” Dean laughs, hugging Charlie back.

“I’m so happy for you, Dean.” Charlie says.

“Thanks,”

“Also, I knew this would happen when I saw you two interact on your birthday.”

Dean pulls away. “What? Seriously?”

“It was obvious.” Charlie shrugs.

Sure, it was.

…

_Castiel_

“He has a single. You need to do all your funny business there. I have dibs on this room.” Is all Crowley says when Castiel tells Crowley that Dean and Castiel have decided to attempt a romantic relationship.

…

**Dean**

Dean waits until work to tell Benny about the confession with Cas.

Benny laughs and immediately starts texting.

“Um, can I get a reaction, please?” Dean asks. “Also, we’re working. Why are you on your phone?”

“Fuck you and your do-gooder shit. It’s nearly two in the morning. Nobody cares that I’m texting right now.”

Dean nods. “Fair. But reaction? Please?”

Benny waves Dean off. “Sorry brother, I’m happy for you and all that crap, just give me two seconds to call Charlie.”

“Why?”

“We had a bet. Charlie now owes me twenty bucks.”

Dean blinks and says, “You had a _what now?”_

“A bet about when you and Castiel would—hang on,” Benny puts his index finger up to Dean and then says, “Hey Charlie, guess who just told me the good news.”

Dean can hear Charlie cursing.

Benny laughs and puts Charlie on speaker as Charlie finishes saying something about Benny being both a “shithead” and a “braggart” and Dean really can’t decide which one he thinks is funnier.

Dean gets a text. He answers it because like Benny said, fuck it. It’s nearly two in the morning. Their bosses aren’t here, and they probably assume library workers text before closing time anyway.

Charlie: Why did you have to tell him?

Dean: I can’t believe you tried to get me to wait to tell him so you could win a bet.

Charlie: You’ve met me. Your surprise is on you, Dean.

Dean grins and sends Charlie the middle finger emoji.

…

_Castiel_

Castiel prepares for bed after the long, exciting day when his phone buzzes.

He has a text from Dean.

Dean-Wild day; huh?

Castiel smiles. That is an accurate assessment.

Castiel-Wild day indeed. My friends had interesting reactions to our getting together.

Dean-Yeah? Mine too. Apparently, Charlie and Benny had a bet.

Dean-Charlie thought we would get together after Spring Break

Dean-Benny thought it would be before Spring Break

Dean-Charlie owes Benny twenty bucks

Castiel laughs.

Castiel-Your friends are so funny.

Castiel adds the laughing and crying emoji.

Dean-Yeah, imagine my face when I tell Benny we told each other that we liked each other.

Dean-And Benny lets out this movie-villain-laugh and immediately starts texting

Dean-He promised to split the twenty bucks with me, but we’ll see

Castiel-You sound very grumpy

Castiel-Like this bee

Castiel sends Dean the picture of the grumpy bumblebee he took a picture of in August. It’s his favorite bumblebee picture.

Dean-Holy shit! That bee is adorable.

Cas-Like you

Dean-Aw, Cas.

Dean-We can’t all be devastatingly handsome like you ;)

Castiel gets a chill up his spine. He’s not sure he will ever get used to Dean complimenting his appearance. The statements Dean made about Castiel’s eyes will forever be etched in his brain.

Castiel wishes he were with Dean right now so he could stare into his beautiful eyes. They’re so green they look fake. Sometimes Castiel gets distracted during their conversations because Castiel’s trying to figure out the exact shade of green. They always look different when Dean wears different colors too which makes the study of Dean’s eyes all the more confusing. Dean’s eyes remind Castiel of the stems of wildflowers on his father’s estate with their various shades of green and hints of yellow.

Cas-Devastatingly handsome; huh?

Castiel makes a silly face at his phone and takes a selfie. He sends it to Dean.

Dean-Still devastatingly handsome

Dean-I hope you know this is your contact photo now

Dean- :)

Castiel receives another message and this time it’s a picture of Dean making a face at the camera. Dean looks adorable. He’s scrunching up his whole face and smiling and looking at the camera.

Castiel-Your picture is literally the definition of adorable.

Dean sends Castiel a text that is simply the laughing face emoji.

It occurs to Castiel that he is very likely to fall in love with Dean Winchester…if he hasn’t already. Castiel is not quite sure. He has never fallen in love before. The thought makes his heart race.

Castiel looks at the picture Dean sent again, and he smiles as he saves it as Dean’s contact photo.

There are far worse fates than being in love with Dean Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time:  
> Dean  
> On February 28, Dean wakes up to a text from Cas.  
> Cas: I would like to go on a date with you. But I know that I will panic and be weird on a date-date, so can we hang out somewhere and listen to music instead?


	15. And So It Begins (Part 2: The Date)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of homophobia and child abuse, foul language

Chapter 15: And So, It Begins

**_Part 2: The Date_ **

**Dean**

On February 28, Dean wakes up to a text from Cas.

Cas: I would like to go on a date with you. But I know that I will panic and be weird on a date-date, so can we hang out somewhere and listen to music instead?

Dean smiles. That’s fair. Dean would probably also panic if they were to go on what Cas calls a “date-date” so it’s better to keep things mellow if they can.

Dean: What did you have in mind?

Cas: Please forgive me if this seems untoward, but Crowley has dibs on the room today and I was going to go to the library and do homework, but I can’t stop thinking about you, so I was hoping to listen to music in your dorm. I understand that it is weird that I invited myself over, so please feel free to suggest an alternate location if you don’t want to hang out in your room.

Dean does a quick glance-over of his room. It’s clean. He prefers to keep his room tidy. Except his desk. That looks like something exploded on it. Everything else is acceptable though.

Dean: No. My dorm-room is good.

Cas: Okay. What time should we meet?

Dean: I can do soon if you want. Did you mean now or later today?

Cas: I’d prefer sooner because I am eager to see you.

Cas: Shit.

Cas: Wait.

Cas: I forgot to ask.

Cas: Did you have plans today?

Dean: Just plans with you ;)

Cas: Are you allergic to anything?

Dean: No…why?

Cas: No reason :P

Cas: See you soon!

Dean gets up and scrambles to get dressed. He styles his hair a little and puts on his most comfortable jeans, a blue t-shirt, and his blue and green flannel. Because he’s in that kind of a mood today.

Cas arrives twenty minutes later. He’s wearing a bumblebee hoody, white ripped skinny jeans, and black Converse. He’s carrying a Wawa box, a Wawa bag, and two big coffees.

Dean’s heart drops. He didn’t get Cas anything.

“Hello, Dean. You bought us stuff last, so I brought breakfast. Mocha with extra caffeine for you.” Cas hands Dean a coffee.

“Uh, hi Cas. Thanks.” Dean takes the coffee. “This was really nice of you.”

“I am invading you at eight in the morning before most respectable college students are awake. It’s only fair that I feed you.” Cas shrugs. “Where should I put this?”

Dean chuckles and gestures to his rug on the floor. It’s the perfect size for their impromptu picnic.

“I like your rug.” Cas smiles as he puts the bag down. He starts pulling packages out. “I didn’t know which flavor you’d like so I got several.”

Cas pulls out several different kinds of breakfast sandwiches and opens up a box of donuts. Dean’s surprised any of this stuff was still there. Cas must’ve had to fight people for all this.

“The rug was from Bobby—um, Professor Singer. He knows about my dad and kind of,” Dean clears his throat. “He kind of took me in. He gave this to me last June.”

Cas smiles. “I’m glad you’ve found family here.”

Dean smiles. “Yeah, me too.” Then he goes cold and adds, “I earn my grades though. Bobby doesn’t play favorites—neither does Ellen.”

“Dean, I would never accuse you of that. I hadn’t even considered favoritism. You’re brilliant. I have no doubt that you earn your grades.” Cas says.

Dean feels his face get hot and he has to look away from Cas.

“How did you want to listen to music?” Dean asks.

“Do you have Spotify?”

“Yes.”

“I think it could be fun to listen to each other’s On Repeat stations on Spotify. We could put it on shuffle and listen to our top songs of the moment.”

“That sounds fun.”

They sit together and eat breakfast while they listen to music. Dean’s first song is “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. Cas’s first song is “Starships” by Nicki Minaj. Dean’s next song is “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone.

“Oh, I see we do have some overlap in our tastes of music. I don’t know if you remember, but I played this in my Dancing Badly class that day when you and Charlie were in my class.” Cas says.

“I remember. That’s why I listen to it so much.” Dean admits.

He looks at Cas and sees that he is blushing and smiling.

“That time you and Charlie went to my class was very funny.” Cas says.

“Well, yeah, _now_ it is.” Dean laughs. “I thought I was going to melt into the floor when I heard this song that day.”

“It probably didn’t help that Charlie ran out the door laughing. It was very funny though.”

“You knew?”

“I have functional eyes, Dean.”

Dean feels his face heat up and he takes a bite of a donut. It seems Dean’s birthday had been memorable for Cas too.

Cas’s next song comes on. Dean doesn’t know it.

“What’s this one called?” Dean asks.

“It’s “This Modern Love” by Bloc Party” Cas replies.

_“What are you holding out for?  
What’s always in the way?  
Why so damn absentminded?  
Why so scared of romance?”_

It’s soft and sad. Dean likes it, but it also makes his heart _ache_. He doesn’t know what to tell Cas. Especially the part about fear of romance. Dean doesn’t _want_ to be afraid. Dean wonders what Cas thinks about when he listens to this song. Is he afraid too? Is he holding out for something?

Cas doesn’t say anything until the song’s over.

“What’s next on your shuffle?” Cas asks.

Dean starts his next song. It’s “Black Butterflies and Déjà Vu” by The Maine. Even after being here for two and a half years and breaking away from his dad, Dean still feels a little odd whenever he sees a song on his On Repeat playlist that isn’t classic rock. Dean remembers exclusively listening to classic rock in a failed attempt to gain his dad’s…approval? Attention? Affection? Dean doesn’t even know. Whatever Dean wanted doesn’t matter because his dad didn’t give a shit. So, since his arrival at William and Mary, Dean has been trying to branch out. Not just in music, but in literature, art, movies. He doesn’t _want_ to be his father. He doesn’t _want_ to hold his feelings in his chest to let them out only in an angry explosion. Dean _can’t_ be like that.

Dean starts the song over.

“This one kinda reminds me of you—how—how you make me feel.” Dean whispers.

Cas’s eyes widen. He looks from Dean to Dean’s phone. He’s quiet for most of the song.

_“I lose my voice when I look at you  
Can’t make a noise though I’m trying to  
Tell you all the right words”_

“Is it that part?” Cas asks.

Dean’s heart begins to speed up. “How’d you guess?” he asks.

Cas looks into Dean’s eyes and says, “It’s how I feel about you.”

Dean feels his face flush. Everything feels hot and awkward and he knows he can’t take his flannel off because he has surely sweat through the t-shirt. There’s just something about knowing that Cas feels the same way about him in some aspect that is getting to Dean. He tries to be casual about it and smiles when the song ends saying, “Your turn.”

Cas plays his next song. It’s a dance song that Dean vaguely recognizes from Cas’s class.

“Ooh, we have to dance to this!” Dean jumps up and starts dancing.

Cas chuckles and turns the music up. Then he joins Dean.

“What’s this one? Who’s it by?” Dean asks.

“It’s “Timber” by Pitbull and Kesha.” Cas replies.

It’s a fun song to dance to. They do a lot of jumping and Dean does some moves he saw in old movies. Those make Cas laugh. Dean wishes he could bottle that sound; he swears he could survive on it alone.

_Castiel_

They end up lying side by side on the rug in Dean’s room. Its pattern is the bisexual pride flag. Dean told Castiel that Professor Singer (Bobby according to Dean) got it for him. They take turns playing songs from their “On Repeat” playlist that Spotify makes every week. They’ve been doing this for an hour now. They both seem to have resolved to play every single song on the two playlists. Castiel is fascinated by what he is learning about Dean from these songs. Some seem so personal that Castiel offers to skip them, but Dean usually grits his teeth and shakes his head.

Except for “Angel” by Judas Priest. Dean skipped that one as soon as the first three notes played. The song that plays afterwards is “Royals” by Lorde. Dean grits his teeth but lets it play.

Castiel doesn’t know what to say in that moment, so he just listens to the song. Castiel’s not entirely sure what about the song bothers Dean. Perhaps it is the idea of coming from a less wealthy background than most of the students here come from that bothers Dean…the idea of being ashamed of home. Maybe that was why Dean seems uncomfortable when Castiel buys food for them. Castiel wants to ask Dean about it, but he doesn’t dare intrude.

Castiel skips “Farewell Wanderlust” by The Amazing Devil. He’s not ready to listen to that song in front of Dean yet. He’ll probably cry, and he doesn’t want to do that today. The song that comes on after is “Take Me To Church” by Hozier.

“I need to skip this too.” Castiel says. His heart’s starting to beat faster. He can’t listen to this song in front of Dean. Not so soon after the incident that took place only a little over a week ago. He can’t let his father ruin today like he has ruined so many other days with his so-called love and religion. Castiel does not understand how his preacher father can claim that people like Castiel deserve damnation for who they love. Castiel does not believe he deserves to go to Hell for loving in way his father believes to be sinful. It’s love. How can love be a sin?

Those thoughts don’t prevent Castiel from being plagued with the scorn and sneers from his father. Those thoughts don’t stop Castiel’s eyes from gathering with tears faster than he can blink them back. Those thoughts don’t mend the tear in Castiel’s heart that never seems to heal.

“Cas?” Dean asks.

“I’m okay.” Castiel sniffles and swipes at his eyes.

“Do you want to take a break? We could go for a walk or watch a movie.”

“No,” Castiel shakes his head. “Can you play your next song? Mine were duds.”

Dean plays his next song and Castiel takes in a breath. He would recognize this song anywhere. It’s “Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)” by The Amazing Devil.

“You remembered,” Castiel whispers.

Dean grins. “You said it was a good lullaby. You were right.”

Castiel has to look away from Dean so Dean can’t see that he’s crying for an entirely new reason. If Castiel required evidence that Dean at least cared about him to some capacity, this is it.

**Dean**

Somehow, during their time listening to music, they end up lying right next to each other on Dean’s pride rug that Bobby gave him last June. Dean remembers crying when Bobby gave it to him. He never really thought he would be accepted for who he is, but this family he found here at school proved him wrong.

It’s Cas’s turn to play a song. Cas claimed this would be a fun way to get to know each other in terms of taste in music and Dean figures that’s true. It’s also…a little revealing in a way Dean hadn’t expected. Dean feels like he has laid down many cards he didn’t mean to today. But he knows that Cas did too, so Dean doesn’t mind going through all the songs they’re both willing to share. It’s all about sharing anyway. Nobody’s revealing anything they don’t want to.

Cas’s next song plays.

Cas takes in a short breath and whispers, “This one is good.”

Dean listens carefully to the song.

_“I’ve been reading books of old  
The legends and the myths”_

Dean can’t help but think about being in the Milton class with Cas, learning about all these grand and terrible feats performed by the fallen angels.

The singer talks about not needing a superhero but rather someone reliable.

 _Is_ Dean reliable?

Can he be that for Cas?

Is that who he wants to be? 

_“And Superman unrolls_  
A suit before he lifts  
But I’m not the kind of person that it fits”

Dean looks at Cas. What does Castiel Novak think of when he hears this song? Where does the crossover between this version of Cas who wears bumblebee items like armor and the version of Cas who wears a tan trench-coat and gets wasted after meeting with his father? It takes courage for Cas to even bother being himself while he’s here. Does Cas not see that he’s like Superman? Disguising himself as Clark Kent for his dad and being his true self—being Superman—when he’s free?

Cas was pretty heroic that time he saved Dean from himself in the library that day.

Dean looks at Cas as the chorus plays again.

_“I want something just like this”_

Cas looks at Dean.

Dean reaches out and puts his hand on Cas’s face. Cas’s eyes widen and he leans forward. Dean leans forward. They kiss.

_“I want something just like this”_

It’s not a heart-stopping kiss. If anything, it’s a little awkward. They haven’t kissed before, so they don’t know each other’s preferences yet. Dean ends up laughing and pulling away. He feels like there’s a light inside of him that’s surely shining out of his body. Surely Cas can see it.

Cas smiles at Dean and tilts his head to the side, “What?”

“This is,” Dean’s hands are shaking. “I just,” Dean shakes his head. He reaches out and takes Cas’s hand in his. “ _This_ ,” Dean gives Cas’s hand a little squeeze hoping that he can show Cas his feelings through the action because he’s struggling to put his feelings into words. “And I just…Cas, I’m so happy.” Dean feels like a weight has been lifted as soon as he says it.

Cas’s expression softens and he leans closer to Dean. Dean’s heart begins to pound harder and Dean thinks Cas is going to kiss him, but instead, Cas just looks into Dean’s eyes and says, “Me too, Dean.”

Then Cas kisses Dean. Gently. Slowly. Carefully. Like this is special. Like this is something to be savored. Like Cas sees _Dean_ as something precious. The thought brings tears to his eyes. Dean’s not precious. He’s too jaded and broken and he can’t sit still. He’s more like a walking explosion than something precious. But maybe that’s not how Cas sees him. Maybe…maybe—at least to Cas—Dean is precious.

…

_Castiel_

Castiel lies in his bed and thinks about the day he spent with Dean. He thinks about kissing Dean. He thinks about holding Dean’s face in his hands like it’s the most precious thing in the world because in that moment, it was. Castiel thinks about Dean smiling at him. He thinks about how Dean smiles with his whole face—everything scrunches up and his eyes practically glow with joy. He could’ve sworn that Dean’s smile lit up the room after they kissed.

That first kiss. It wasn’t perfect. But it also was. It was so them—a little messy, but so, so very worth it. Their whole relationship wrapped up in one kiss. Then another and another and another.

Castiel’s listening to “Something Like This” by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay. He has been listening to it since the moment he left Dean’s dorm. He loves this song, and he will forever associate it with the feeling of Dean’s lips on his. It’s not a bad memory to connect to a song.


	16. Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language and references to child abuse

Chapter 16: Easy

**Dean**

It’s March 5th, and Dean and Charlie are eating dinner together before Dean’s shift at the library.

“So, how are things with Cas?” Charlie asks.

Dean thinks about this for a moment. “Things are good,” Dean replies.

“That’s awesome.” Charlie smiles at Dean.

Dean grins, “Yeah,”

“I’m gonna have to tease him a little when I see him on Sunday.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot you go to his class.”

“Go to his class? Cas and I are _friends_ , Dean. Plus, his classes are really fun. He started doing themes.” Charlie pulls out her phone and show him a series of selfies of Charlie and Cas. They’re wearing matching rainbow tie-die shirts in one, they’re wearing matching corgi shirts in another, there’s a picture of Charlie carrying Cas bridal-style while someone else takes the picture, there’s another of Charlie, Cas, and Benny wearing bug shirts. Charlie’s wearing a ladybug shirt. Cas is wearing a bumblebee shirt. Benny’s wearing a Beatles shirt. Smartass.

“What the fuck is Benny doing there?” Dean laughs.

Why didn’t Benny mention this?

Charlie laughs. “He was there two weeks ago. He and Garth were there last week. See?”

Charlie flips to a picture of Garth, Cas, Benny, and Charlie all wearing t-shirts with their majors on them. Garth is wearing his geology major t-shirt, Cas is wearing his anthropology major t-shirt, Benny’s wearing his English major t-shirt, and Charlie’s wearing her Comp-Sci t-shirt.

“Well, that explains why he said my friends are so funny. He _actually_ knows you all.” Dean chuckles.

“Of course, he does. We like Cas. He’s sweet.” Charlie replies.

“So, you all like Cas? When did you all decide to go meet him? And like, why?”

“Well, I’d already met him for the class you and I took by accident. I kept going back to the class because it was fun, and part of my new-school-semester-slash-New Year’s-resolution was to exercise more, so Cas’s class made that easier. I mentioned the class to Benny one time who immediately jumped on the opportunity to meet the famous Castiel Novak. And he actually had fun, so he brought Garth last week. You should come with us on Sunday. It’s _really_ fun, Cas is a good teacher.”

Dean feels weird about this but he can’t figure out why.

“I don’t know how to react to this. It’s strange thinking about all of you interacting with Cas when I’ve only interacted with him without you all. I _should_ join that class. We should also take him bowling or something as a group.”

Charlie gives Dean a knowing smile, “Don’t worry Dean, we still love you best.”

Dean smiles and feels his face heat up. He’s not even sure who he’s jealous of: Cas or his friends. It doesn’t matter though. They all care about him. Plus, now they can all hang out together: Cas, Charlie, Benny, Garth, and Dean. He should see if Meg or Crowley would want to do a movie-night some time. Then all the friends can hang out.

It’s kind of funny though because Dean had put a lot of thought into how he should carefully introduce Cas to his friends and now he doesn’t have to. That was…easy. Why is everything so easy?

Dating Cas has been surprisingly easy. At least in the first week—Dean doesn’t want to get his hopes up too high…but honestly, who’s he kidding? His hopes are through the roof and there’s no point in lying to himself about it anymore.

Dean’s surprised by how quickly he has fallen into a routine with Cas. Dating Cas is a “Hello, Dean” every morning. It’s a “Night, Cas” every night before Dean goes to bed. It’s Cas sending Dean pictures of cats he finds around campus that people have let loose. Dating Cas is Dean (in his heart-of-hearts in the secret place even he hardly knows about) knowing that if he and Cas are together years from now, they’ll have a cat. The thought makes Dean happy, but he could never share this with anyone. It’s too soon for that.

Dating Cas is being constantly scared and happy at the same time because Dean’s so excited they’re doing this and so, _so_ worried this is going to end badly. Dean has a feeling that regardless of how this whole thing goes, there will be tears. There always are in Dean’s life.

But for now, he’s happy getting lost in how easy this seems.

…

_Castiel_

March 5

Castiel’s lying on his back in his bed reading _Red, White, & Royal Blue _by Casey McQuiston. Dean let him borrow his copy of the book and Cas is writing his comments on sticky notes, so he can remember what to tell him when he asks. Cas isn’t very far into the book, but he loves it.

“So,” Crowley says as he strolls into their room. “How’s Squirrel?”

“I wish you would stop calling Dean that.” Castiel says without looking at Crowley.

“You shouldn’t have told me about the squirrel pictures.” Crowley chuckles. “Can’t wait to see him to use the nickname.”

“That would require you allowing me to use the room.”

“I’m sure I’ll see him when he stops by to pick you up for dates or whatever.”

Castiel looks Crowley in the eyes and says, “Perhaps I’ll intentionally never invite him here just so you can’t use that nickname.”

“Life finds a way, darling.” Crowley winks at Castiel.

“I do enjoy being your roommate, but you are very irritating sometimes. I would appreciate you not mocking my boyfriend.”

Crowley smiles at Castiel.

Castiel blinks because Crowley’s more likely to smirk than smile.

“Isn’t it nice getting to say that?” Crowley asks. “My boyfriend?”

Castiel smiles. “Yeah, it is.”

…

_Castiel_

It’s 2AM and Castiel’s lying in bed, crying. Crowley’s at a party so at least he isn’t here to make fun of Castiel for crying over a book.

At 2:11AM, Castiel’s phone buzzes. He looks and sees that it’s from Dean.

Dean-Night, Cas

Castiel feels warm. Every night. Dean has sent Castiel a goodnight message every night since they started dating. It’s sweet. Castiel loves it.

Castiel-Goodnight, Dean

Dean-Did you have a good day?

Castiel-Yes.

Castiel-I’m reading that book you let me borrow.

Dean-Really?!:) How far are you?

Castiel-Nearly finished

Castiel-I’ve taken notes so we can talk about it in full

Dean-Can’t wait;)

Castiel-How was your day?

Dean-It was good. I’m a little tired though. I’m gonna go to bed.

Castiel-Goodnight, Dean

Castiel sends several emojis with smiles, kiss-faces, and hearts.

Dean-Night, Cas

Dean sends back a single heart.

Castiel smiles at his phone and holds it over his own heart.

He goes back to reading. How did Dean say this book was simply hilarious? It’s so full of heart and pain and love. Why didn’t Dean tell Castiel?

Then it occurs to Castiel. This book is full of heart and pain and love…just like Dean. Dean is full of all those things. He is so passionate about the stories he’s reading and writing and the very few poems he has shared with Castiel. Dean is full of pain too; he has mentioned only a fraction of his experience with his dad but Castiel can tell the Dean’s dad has left a mark on him. Dean is also full of love. It’s so clear when Castiel sees Dean interact with his friends: Charlie and Benny and Garth. They love him too. They go to Castiel’s classes sometimes…he suspects Dean doesn’t know which amuses Castiel…and they speak so highly of Dean while they’re there. They love him. A lot. Nobody loves an unkind, unloving person that much.

Dean is so easy to be around too. He listens. He makes Castiel laugh. Castiel can make Dean laugh. He _loves_ making Dean laugh. He loves seeing Dean smile. He loves holding hands with Dean…he loves feeling the heat and gentle pressure of the action. He loves hugging Dean…he’s blessed to get to grip him tight. Sometimes it feels like Castiel is attempting to grip Dean tight and raise him from perdition. Other times it feels like the other way around…more often than not it feels like the other way around to Castiel. He loves watching Dean tie his shoes because of the adorable face he makes. He loves those pictures of squirrels that Dean sends him too. He just…he loves…oh. _Oh_.

Fuck.

It’s too soon. Too fucking soon.

But.

Castiel loves _Dean_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is coming your way on 1/14/2021!!:)
> 
> You all are so wonderful! Thank you so much for reading!!:D


	17. Beautiful Night, Beautiful Smile

**Dean**

It’s technically March 12, but Dean hasn’t gone to bed yet, so he sees it more as March 11. He just finished covering a late-night shift at the library for Benny and now Dean’s walking back to his dorm.

Dean pauses as he walks. It’s such a beautiful night. The air is crisp, and it smells pleasant. Dean can’t even figure out what the smell is. It just smells _good_. He’s listening to music and the song “Dreams” by The Cranberries comes on. Lately, this song has made his heart ache but for once it’s a good ache. Because this song reminds him of Cas.

_“I know I felt like this before  
But now I’m feeling it even more  
Because it came from you”_

He takes a detour to the Sunken Garden. It’s too nice out here to go inside. Plus, he can sleep all day tomorrow because he doesn’t have any Friday classes.

 _“Then I open up and see_  
The person falling here is me  
A different way to be”

This is all pretty new for Dean. He has had strong connections with people before, but he has never felt what he feels for Cas for anyone else. He’s falling for him. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t _want_ to. But he just couldn’t stay away from the dorky English major who loves bees and coffee and dancing.

Dean finds a spot on one of the sets of brick staircases and sits. It’s nice…just being here, listening to music.

The next song that comes on is “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. Dean has a love-hate relationship with this song. On the one hand, it’s a beautiful song and he loves it, but on the other hand, listening to the song feels like being called out for four minutes and forty-nine seconds.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas says.

Dean jumps. He looks up to see Cas standing in front of him to his right. When did he get here?

Dean studies Cas. He’s wearing a headband with a cartoon bumblebee on it, a white hoody, black shorts, and yellow shoes. He’s wearing green and blue socks that go up to his knees; they have a pattern of cartoon cats.

Dean takes his earbuds out of his ears and grins at Cas, “Hey Cas,”

Cas gestures to the space on the step beside Dean, “May I join you?”

“Sure, what brings you out here?” Dean puts his phone and earbuds into his jacket pocket.

“Crowley has called dibs on the room.” Cas sits beside Dean.

“You’ve mentioned this before, and I’ve always been curious. So, he just…constantly kicks you out? Why?”

Cas blinks and looks at Dean.

Dean’s beginning to think he missed something very obvious.

“Dean, Crowley’s having sex.” Cas says.

Dean blinks and looks away from Cas. _Of course_ , Crowley’s sex-life is the reason why Dean and Cas keep having these late-night rendezvous. Because it couldn’t be literally _anything except_ _that_.

“Ah,” Dean finally says. “That’s probably a little awkward for you having to leave all the time.”

Castiel nods. “One could say that. I’m not against people having sex, it’s just that the timing is inconvenient for me. Still better than my previous roommate though. And despite everything, I think that Crowley and I are on our way to becoming,” Cas tilts his head to the side. “I feel odd saying _friends_ but,”

Dean can’t help but laugh a little.

Cas smiles. “Yeah, it’s a little funny that I’m friends with Crowley. I really am though. He’s quite kind when he wants to be.”

“Stranger things have happened.” Dean shrugs.

“He calls you Squirrel.”

“He what?”

“Because of your squirrel pictures.”

“Dammit, I was trying to be cute.”

Cas bumps Dean’s shoulder. “I still think it’s cute.”

Dean feels his face heat up. He hopes Cas can’t tell.

“You know, if you ever don’t feel like going on runs at,” Dean looks at his phone, “2:35 in the morning, you could always go to my room.”

Cas looks away from Dean, then he looks at Dean again and he tilts his head to the side. Then he makes a face and kind of squints at Dean before saying, “To…to have sex?”

Dean blinks and rubs the back of his neck. “I meant to sleep. Like, _just_ sleep. So, you’re not stuck outside in the cold and you can actually get some rest. But, I mean…I’m not _opposed_ to the idea of sex. It’s just not what I was suggesting at that moment.”

Cas nods. “You were being a gentleman.”

Dean bumps Cas’s shoulder, “I was _trying_ to be.”

Cas smiles and looks down.

Dean takes the chance to study Cas under the moonlight. He doesn’t get to stare for long though because Cas looks right at him. Dean’s heart skips a beat as Cas gently reaches out and cups Dean’s face in his hands.

“Would you like me to kiss you here? Under the moonlight?” Cas asks.

Holy.

Shit.

“Yes,” Dean whispers.

Cas kisses Dean. Dean reaches out and puts his hands in Cas’s hair as he kisses him back. He’s not sure what his fascination with Cas’s hair is. This time Cas’s hair is wet with sweat which is honestly a little gross, but the kiss is worth it.

Cas’s phone buzzes and Dean jumps.

Cas chuckles and pulls away. He puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder as he checks his phone. “That was the all-clear from Crowley,” Cas says.

Dean’s heart drops a little with disappointment. He’s not sure why he’s so disappointed. There’s no reason to be disappointed. It’s past two in the morning. They can’t stay out here all night…they did that one time though. Despite everything, that was a nice night.

Cas stands up and stretches. “I’m pretty tired. I’m going to head back to the dorm.” Cas says.

“Okay,” Dean says. “Do you want to walk back together?”

“Sure,” Cas offers Dean his hand.

Dean takes Cas’s hand and Cas pulls him to his feet.

They walk to the dorms together.

“I like the idea of sleeping in your dorm with you, but not tonight. I’m too tired and sleeping in the same bed as you would be too exciting, and I’m not sure I would actually get any sleep.” Cas says. “Another time though.”

Dean nods. “Another time.”

Cas gives Dean’s hand a little squeeze and smiles at him.

Dean returns the pressure and smiles back even though he’s disappointed. He hadn’t really thought much about the excitement feeling. He just…he just really wanted to get to hold Cas in his arms. He wanted to feel warm and cozy with him.

But that’s okay. Dean can wait. He doesn’t want to rush Cas.

It’s just…Dean won’t see Cas for a while after tomorrow because Cas is going home at 5pm sharp and he won’t be back until 5pm the following Friday. Dean has a love-hate relationship with Spring Break. All his friends leave campus which sucks because Dean’s one of the only people in his dorm every time. Charlie always checks in once a day, but it’s not the same as seeing her in person and Dean really doesn’t like feeling pitied anyway. He knows that rationally, Charlie doesn’t pity him, but Spring Break is not the time when Dean’s using the rational part of his brain.

The good part is that Bobby and Ellen invite Dean over for dinner every night of every Spring Break because they’re worried about him getting lonely. He tries not to take advantage of that, but he loves them for it. He can tell they really care. They always say that he’s the son they never had, and Dean really feels that is the case during Spring Break. Sometimes…even though he knows he shouldn’t…he pretends they’re his parents. Instead of John and Mary Winchester, he has Bobby and Ellen Singer. Rather than Dean Winchester, he is Dean Singer. For a few days at least. The rational part of Dean’s brain really takes a vacation during Spring Break.

Dean looks at Cas again and his heart aches. Spring Break hasn’t even started, and Dean already misses him. He hates this. He’s not even going to be able to text Cas because of his father monitoring Cas’s every move. Dean really hates Cas’s father. He knows that telling Cas that would only make Cas feel bad, so he doesn’t dare vocalize that opinion, but Dean really, _really_ hates Cas’s father.

They part ways in front of the bike racks.

“Goodnight Dean,” Cas says.

“Night Cas.” Dean kisses Cas’s hand before letting go.

Cas looks at his hand and then at Dean. A slow smile spreads over his face. He does a little wave and then turns around and walks to his dorm. Dean waits until Cas gets inside before he walks to his dorm.

Dean feels warm thinking about Cas’s smile…thinking about its slow spread across his face and how his eyes nearly twinkle in the dark. Dean chuckles and shakes his head. The writer in him is getting a little carried away.

Still, Cas really is devastatingly handsome.

And Dean is…Dean is falling.


	18. You're Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, references to child abuse

**Dean**

Fifteen minutes after Dean gets back to his dorm, there’s a knock on his door.

Dean gets off his bed and answers it.

It’s Cas.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says. He’s wearing a bee pajama set; a green long-sleeve shirt with a pocket over his heart and green pants both of which have a pattern of cartoon bees on them. Dean can’t help but wonder where Cas gets all these bee things. It’s the same bee pattern every time. Dean’s a little fascinated by it.

“Is it too late to take you up on your offer?” Cas asks.

Dean smiles. “No,” He opens the door wider to make space for Cas. “Come on in.”

Cas walks in.

“Sorry about before. I was scared.” Cas says. “I was…overcomplicating things and the fact that I’m going to my family’s home hours from now was not helping matters.”

“Cas, it’s okay. I probably asked too soon anyway. We really haven’t been dating for that long.”

Cas shakes his head. “Dean, I’m apologizing because I wanted to come here with you. I did. The amount of time we’ve been dating doesn’t matter to me. I wanted to be here and to hold you and to be held by you,” Cas’s voice cracks. “but I chose to go back to my dorm because I was afraid. I don’t—I don’t _want_ to be afraid, Dean. I _want_ to be with you. I want to do things like sleep in the same bed. I want to wake up in the morning to find that you have hogged all the blankets and I want to smile to myself because it’s you and I’m here with you and I’m so fucking fortunate to be here with you.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say because that was a lot of feelings to process at once. Dean wants all those things too, but actually saying them out loud is so hard sometimes.

So, Dean says, “I’m going to hog the blankets?”

Cas nods and says, “You do seem the type.”

Dean laughs. “I think we’re gonna be just fine, Cas.”

“What makes you say that?” Cas’s eyes are wide, and he looks…he looks so vulnerable.

It hurts to see shining, rebellious, sweet Cas stand in front of him looking so afraid.

Dean takes a step closer to Cas and says, “Because you’re here.”

Cas drops his backpack on the ground and hugs Dean. Tightly. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be…I just,” Cas sighs, “I got scared.”

Dean hugs Cas back. “I know. This is scary. I’m scared too, Cas. It’s okay to be scared. Doing something while being scared is called courageous, man. That’s what you are. Courageous.”

“Sounds like you are too, Dean.” Cas says softly.

…

_Castiel_

They chat for a while before they end up going to sleep. Dean takes a trip to the bathroom and comes back in a black t-shirt and black and white flannel pajamas. They brush their teeth together at the sink in Dean’s room. Castiel makes one last trip to the bathroom.

While he’s in the bathroom, he checks his phone. Crowley has sent him three texts checking to see if he’s okay. Castiel replies saying he’s with Dean and Crowley sends a series of sexualized fruit emojis. Because of course he did and honestly what did Castiel expect?

Castiel has another message. This one is from Gabriel.

Castiel’s heart drops.

That’s odd. Why’s Gabriel contacting him at two in the morning?

Castiel shakes his head. As much as he loves his older brother, he can’t deal with this right now.

No, that’s not fair.

Gabriel would read any message that Castiel sent him at two in the morning. Castiel opens the message and reads.

Gabriel-What’s up little bro? Guess who just got disowned? Yours truly. So, I won’t be at the family get-together this week or any future family gatherings for obvious reasons. I’m also cut off from Daddy’s money, but jokes on him because what the rest of the family doesn’t know is that I won the lottery a few years back and I’m a multi-millionaire. That’s actually part of what sealed the deal for Pops. Not me being a millionaire. He probably would’ve liked that—not the lottery part though. No, it’s because I used some of my winnings to open up a candy store and Dad hates it. So, he cast me out. Because he’s an ass. Now, don’t you fret little bro, you’ve always been my favorite so if you ever need anything, just ask. Literally, fuck everyone but you Castiel. Stay strong. And don’t be such a stranger. I miss you, ya little shit.

Fuck.

Castiel grips the sink.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Castiel feels cold.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Gabriel was always the bumper.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

If Father ordered his children in order starting with who he favors the least, Gabriel would be first and Castiel would be second. Without Gabriel…

Castiel shudders.

His week is going to be Hell.

Castiel feels lightheaded and he puts his hands on his knees. He takes deep breaths and counts to four. He does that seven times.

Fuck his father and his ridiculous rules.

Castiel will reach out to Gabriel later on in the day.

For now, he wants to have a nice night. One last good night before he goes into battle.

He returns to find Dean in bed already.

“I figured I’d take the inside part that way you’re free to move around whenever you want.” Dean says.

Castiel is touched. Once again surprised by Dean’s kindness.

Castiel turns the light off, gingerly lifts the sheets, and slides in beside Dean. Castiel is lying on his back and Dean is lying on his side, facing Castiel. Castiel turns to lie on his side facing Dean and asks, “How…how should we do this?”

“Rock, paper, scissors?” Dean asks.

Castiel laughs. He laughs loudly for a long time. He was so nervous about this whole ordeal with Dean and with his family and now to have a solution to his ordeal with Dean be something so simple fills him with so much joy that he just has to let it out.

“What?” Dean chuckles.

“We can do this,” Castiel says.

“Winner gets to hold the other. Okay?” Dean’s voice is soft.

“Okay,”

They play the game.

Castiel wins.

Castiel pulls Dean close, careful not to squeeze too tightly or jolt him, and rests his face against Dean’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” Castiel asks.

Dean sucks in a breath, “Yeah,”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just happy.”

“Dean,”

Dean turns around. Castiel gently touches his face to find wetness.

“Why are you crying?” Castiel asks.

“You’re…you’re always so careful with me like,” Dean’s voice cuts off.

“You’re important to me, Dean. Of course, I treat you with care.” Castiel says.

Dean lets out a wet laugh. “ _And_ you say things like that. Aw, shit, Cas. What on earth did I do to deserve you?”

“Nothing. Just like I did nothing to deserve you. We _chose_ each other. It’s not a matter of earning. It’s a matter of choice—which is better in my opinion.”

“Yeah,” Dean chuckles. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s late. I imagine you’re tired.”

“Yeah, tired,”

Castiel almost tells Dean that he loves him but decides against it. There have been too many big emotions tonight to throw that in the mix. It’s too soon, anyway. Instead, he kisses Dean on the forehead and pulls him close, this time with Dean’s face resting against his chest. Castiel falls asleep to the sound of Dean breathing.

…

**Dean**

There’s something intimate about waking up on a twin-sized mattress with the person you love. Because you can’t move without waking them. The bed is too small, and you’re caught in a tangle of blankets and legs and arms, so you have no choice but to lie there, listening to them breathe.

Dean’s in luck this morning because he’s lying face-to-face with Cas. There’s just enough light for Dean to make out his features…barely, but he’s happy to get to see him. It’s nice to see Cas look so at peace.

This is the only place Dean wants to be. He’s really going to miss Cas when he goes home for Spring Break.

Dean blinks. No. He doesn’t want to think about that. Not right now.

He just wants to be here. In the moment. With Cas. Warm and content.

When Cas wakes up, he looks at Dean, then he sits up and grins, “I was right. You did hog the blankets.”

“Whoops,” Dean laughs. “I’ll try not to do that next time.”

Cas laughs. “Next time? I like the sound of that.”

Dean gently puts his hand on Cas’s face. “Yeah, this is nice.” He rubs his thumb over Cas’s cheek. “I would kiss you right now, but morning breath is truly the worst.”

Cas chuckles and puts a hand on Dean’s face. His touch is light and soft. “We can remedy that. Our toothbrushes are by the sink.”

“But it’s so cozy here,” Dean wraps his arms around Cas.

Cas presses a kiss to Dean’s shoulder. “That’s very true.”

They stay like this for a while. Just lying there in silence, holding each other. Then Cas’s phone buzzes.

Castiel whines and drops his head onto Dean’s shoulder. “I need to go to my 11am.”

“What kind of a self-respecting junior has a class on Friday?” Dean gently pokes Cas’s side.

Cas giggles and squirms away. “The kind who wanted to take a Romanticism class this semester.” Cas replies.

“I guess that’s okay then.”

“Well, as long as _you_ approve.” Cas pokes Dean’s nose.

Dean blinks.

Cas laughs. “Oh, my goodness, your face!” He hugs Dean’s arm and presses his face against Dean’s shoulder.

Dean smiles and kisses the top of Cas’s head.

Dean really loves this dork.

“Come on, let’s get up.” Dean says. “Can’t have you late for class.”

“I’m fairly certain Professor Singer would kill me.”

“Which Singer? Bobby or Ellen?”

“Ellen.”

Oh.

Bobby doesn’t give a shit about the rules of tardiness. Ellen cares a lot about rules and respect. She doesn’t usually knock people for tardiness, but she does remind people about the importance of being on time which will be awkward for Cas. Plus, if she finds out Cas was late because of Dean, she will give Dean a lot of crap for it. Loving crap. Embarrassing crap. She’s the closest thing Dean has had to a mom in years. Dean loves Ellen. And she will give Dean _so much_ crap if Cas is late because of Dean.

“Yeah, she will not thank you for being late.” Dean says.

“I know. I’m late quite often.” Cas chuckles.

Dean laughs.

Oh Cas.


	19. 11AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, references to homophobia and child abuse

_Castiel_

Castiel’s standing near the sink in Dean’s room, looking at his phone. He has three missed calls and a text message from his father. It’s from over an hour ago. Great.

“Do you want to eat here before you go to class?” Dean asks. He’s still sitting in bed.

Castiel jumps.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asks.

No.

“I’m okay,” Castiel lies.

“Okay,” Dean looks at Castiel. “Is that a no on breakfast?”

“Uh,” Castiel’s trying to think. He rummages through his backpack and realizes he doesn’t have a jacket. “I don’t have a jacket. _Fuck_.”

“You could borrow one of mine, if you want.” Dean says quickly. Almost…almost _too_ quickly. Almost as if…

Oh.

That’s understandable.

Castiel grins. “Do you like the idea of me wearing your clothes?” He raises an eyebrow at Dean.

“Uh,” Dean flashes a rueful smile at Castiel. His face is turning red and he won’t look at Castiel.

He’s so freaking adorable.

Castiel chuckles and walks over to where Dean’s sitting on the bed and kisses his forehead before saying, “I like the idea of you wearing my clothes.”

“Your jean jacket,” Dean says, putting his hand on Castiel’s left arm.

“Your leather jacket.” Castiel kisses Dean’s face.

“Your bee hoody.” Dean puts his hand on Castiel’s right arm.

“Your green and blue flannel.” Castiel kisses Dean’s lips.

Dean kisses Castiel back and pulls Castiel on top of him. Castiel laughs.

Castiel’s really going to miss Dean over break.

…

_Castiel_

Castiel decides to have breakfast with Dean and walks out of Dean’s dorm wearing Dean’s leather jacket. Just for today. He’ll give it back to Dean when he joins Dean and Charlie for an early dinner before Castiel has to leave.

Castiel’s outside, walking towards his class and he checks his message from his father.

Father-Castiel. I tried calling three times and you didn’t pick up. That is unacceptable behavior. I was calling to inform you that Michael will be collecting you at 11AM. You will skip your English class. It is English class after all and therefore can be skipped.

Castiel’s heart drops. He really likes Ellen’s class.

Castiel checks the time. It’s 10:34AM.

Castiel blinks back tears. He’s so tired of his father interfering with his life.

Then Castiel feels cold.

Wait.

Dean.

Castiel turns heel and runs back to Dean’s dorm. He fumbles around with his card a few times before finally getting the stupid door open. He sprints through the dorm, nearly running into two people, and skids to a stop in front of Dean’s door. He knocks.

His heart is racing and he’s having trouble breathing past the lump that’s forming in his throat.

This isn’t fair. He thought he had more time. He thought he was going to get to see Dean one more time before break. They were supposed to get an early dinner with Charlie. He’s wearing Dean’s jacket. Charlie was going to make fun of them. It was supposed to be _fun._

Castiel feels like a failure as hot tears spill down his face. He shouldn’t be crying over this. He shouldn’t. He’s just…he’s so scared of what awaits him at his father’s home and he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t. He wants to stay here with Dean. This is the place where he is safe. College is Castiel’s haven away from his father and his rules and judgment.

This isn’t fair.

He was supposed to get more time.

He just wanted more time.

Dean opens the door and concern washes over his face. “Cas? What’s wrong?” Dean asks.

Castiel can’t help it. The soft, concerned tone in Dean’s voice is too stark a contrast with Castiel’s callous relatives and Castiel’s heart just can’t take it. He starts sobbing.

Dean hugs Castiel and holds him tight as Castiel cries into his shoulder.

“You’re gonna be okay. Whatever it is will be okay.” Dean says.

Castiel doesn’t know how long he takes to calm down. He feels shame wash over him when he thinks about his actions.

“My apologies. That was rather dramatic.” Castiel says.

“Cas, you don’t need to apologize for crying.” Dean says. “Talk to me, Cas. What’s wrong?”

“Father is sending Michael to pick me up. He will be here any minute now. I just…I had to come see you one more time. I was really looking forward to our dinner with Charlie. Will you tell her I’m sorry?”

“That sucks. I’m sorry you have to go now. Do you want me to tell Ellen? And of course, I’ll tell Charlie you were sorry to miss dinner. I’m sure she knows you wouldn’t miss it unless you had to. You’re cool like that, Cas.”

“Please tell Ellen. And Charlie. I care for them both and I don’t want them to be mad at me.”

“I’ll tell them. They won’t be mad at you.”

Castiel nods.

“Oh, and I know you can’t text, but could you take some pictures for me so we can have things to share with each other for after break? I’ll take pictures for you too. Then it’ll be kind of like we’re communicating with each other.” Dean says.

Castiel smiles. He’s touched by Dean’s thoughtfulness. “Has anyone told you that you’re a sweet person, Dean?”

Dean’s face turns red. “I’m not sure that’s accurate, but I guess everyone’s entitled to their opinion.”

Castiel gently takes Dean’s face in his hands and kisses Dean. “So sweet,” Castiel says.

Dean chuckles and kisses Castiel back. Castiel can feel Dean’s hands in his hair. It feels so good. Castiel will miss this.

Castiel will miss Dean’s smile. His stories. The way he sometimes sends selfies of himself if he has spilled something on his shirt and writes hashtag-disaster as a caption. He will miss the way Dean squeezes Castiel’s hand when he’s excited about the discussion during their Milton class. He will miss their late-night walks.

Castiel knows it’s only a week, but it feels like an eternity.

Castiel pulls away and says, “I’m going to miss you.”

Dean takes both Castiel’s hands and gives them a little squeeze. “I’m gonna miss you too, Cas. But it’s just a week. We can last a week.”

“Promise?” Castiel feels so weak for asking.

“Promise,” Dean smiles but it doesn’t meet his eyes.

“You’re sad too; aren’t you?”

Dean rubs at his eyes. “Of course, I’m sad. I’m gonna miss you. I just didn’t want to make you feel bad. It’s not your fault you have to leave.”

“Please don’t hold back your emotions on my account.”

Dean nods and pulls Castiel close. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean and doesn’t comment when he feels wetness on his shoulder. They stand, hugging each other and crying, for a while. Then they both pull away.

Dean nods. “A week, we got this.”

“A week,” Castiel replies. “We can do this.”

Dean puts his hand up—presumably for a high-five—but instead of giving Dean a high-five, Castiel slowly reaches out and takes Dean’s hand in his. He pulls Dean’s hand to his mouth and kisses it like Dean did for him last night.

Dean takes in a quick breath and smiles.

Castiel’s phone buzzes. Shit.

“Do you have a laundry hamper?” Castiel asks.

“Uh, yeah, hang on.” Dean goes into his room and comes back with a laundry hamper.

“Can I borrow it?”

“Yeah,”

Castiel dumps the contents of his backpack into the hamper. “Can I hide my backpack in your room for this week?”

“Sure,”

Castiel hands Dean his backpack. Then he takes off Dean’s jacket. He feels cold.

“My brother will be suspicious if I leave a different dorm. Fortunately, you live by the laundry room.” Castiel gently folds Dean’s leather jacket.

“Nice thinking,” Dean replies. Dean watches Castiel’s hands and he folds the jacket.

Castiel studies Dean. Pain is etched across his features even though he’s clearly trying to hide it.

“I would tell them if it was safe. I swear.” Castiel says.

“Cas, I’m not upset because you aren’t telling them about me. I’m upset that you have to hide your true self. You shouldn’t have to.”

Castiel nods. “I know. Thank you for understanding.”

Dean smiles tightly and puts his hand on Castiel’s arm. He looks into Castiel’s eyes and seems to be searching for words. Dean says nothing and releases Castiel’s arm. It feels incredibly cold without Dean’s gentle touch.

Castiel almost tells Dean that he loves him. Instead, he takes a step towards him and kisses his cheek. “Until we meet again,” Castiel says, handing Dean his jacket.

“See ya, Cas.” Dean says.

Castiel forces himself to turn away from Dean. It feels like he’s walking through molasses. Every step is so much more difficult than it should be. He should be able to just walk away, but he can’t. He hates leaving Dean. He desperately wishes to stay and it’s nearly too much to take. But only nearly too much. Not quite too much because Castiel _will_ make it through this. He has to. If not out of love for Dean and himself then out of spite. Fathers should not instill this much fear in their children.

Castiel walks out of the dorm and as soon as the cold air hits his face, it’s like he experiences a burst of energy and panicked flurry. He runs to his dorm, fumbles with his card and opens the door, runs up the stairs, gets into his room, and shoves all his shit into his suitcase. There really isn’t a lot of shove. He packed up yesterday afternoon as if that would help make the ordeal end sooner.

He checks his time. It’s 10:59AM. Castiel uses his last minute to send Meg a text apologizing for missing lunch. He explains the situation as quickly as he can. Meg calls him.

“Hey, I know this is a shitstorm of a situation, but you’re gonna get through it; okay? You always do. You’re gonna be okay.” Meg says. She’s talking faster than usual, and her voice is unsteady.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re being nice to me.” Castiel jokes. “Is this my allotment for the month?”

“Castiel, you are such an asshole. I love you so much you little shit.”

“Love you too.”

“You’re the little brother I never wanted.”

“You’re the older sister I always wished I could’ve had.”

“Oh Clarence,” Meg sounds choked up.

“I still don’t understand that reference.”

Meg laughs.

Castiel laughs through his tears.


	20. Not Yet/Love Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, child abuse, homophobia, talks of being disowned, death of an abusive parent

You’re in a car with the one you love  
You’re driving  
No.  
You’re not driving  
You wish you were driving  
you could do anything except exist in the passenger seat.  
you could scream.  
You probably _could_ scream in his presence.  
He would understand  
that’s the part that blows your mind.  
you could do a lot of things and he would understand.  
Have you met anyone else like that?  
anyone else with such faith?  
in the world?  
in you?  
How does he do it?  
You don’t know.  
You’ll never know.  
But maybe  
just maybe  
that’s okay.

**Dean**

It’s March 17 and Dean’s sitting in the passenger seat of Cas’s car.

It’s hard to move  
breathe  
eat  
think  
feel.

Everything is so damn hard.

Cas insisted on taking a turn driving after Dean stayed up all night. Dean just needed to _do_ something. He’s supposed to be sleeping now. In theory. But that’s not happening. Not right now at least.

They’re taking a seventeen-hour drive from Williamsburg, Virginia to Lawrence, Kansas to see John Winchester.

No. That’s not entirely accurate.

They’re on their way to John Winchester’s funeral.

**_Three Days Earlier_ **

_Castiel_

March 14 

Everything is fine…for the moment at least. An hour ago, Castiel was crying in the garden wishing it wasn’t too cold for the bees to be out. But right now, everyone is eating dinner together. Well, everyone except Gabriel. Castiel misses Gabriel. He was the only one Castiel was looking forward to seeing and now he’s not sure when he’ll get to see Gabriel. He still hasn’t replied to Gabriel’s text. He has been meaning to, but he just hasn’t been in the mood to talk to anyone.

Castiel takes another bite of fish. He really hates this. It’s the same recipe his father uses every time everyone gathers. (Except Gabriel.) It’s got a lot of lemon in it. Castiel likes lemon, but this is _a lot_ of lemon.

Castiel just needs to eat this meal and then he can go hide out in the garden and sneak back into the house after nightfall.

Then his phone rings.

Castiel’s phone rings _at the dinner-table._

A shot of fear runs through Castiel’s veins and he lets the phone ring. He does not wish to experience the wrath of his father that will surely come if Castiel answers his phone. He just lets it buzz and prays that no one hears it.

Castiel’s phone stops ringing and he feels lightheaded with relief. Perhaps he can avoid a fight with his father tonight. It feels like all they have done for the last forty-eight hours is fight.

Castiel really thinks everything might be okay. Then his phone rings again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And _again_.

And at this point, Castiel is starting to worry about who could possibly be calling him so many times? What is so urgent that could warrant so many calls?

Castiel knows that his friends wouldn’t call if it weren’t important and he’s trying not to imagine anyone being hurt, but of course he sees them that way. He blinks, trying not to think about that. He can’t think about that right now or he will _break_.

Castiel’s phone rings again.

Castiel looks around the room and sees that everyone is staring at him. Not just because his phone keeps ringing but because his phone is on vibrate instead of silent. His father considers having one’s phone set on anything but silent at the dinner table is rude.

But Castiel didn’t _want_ to have his phone on silent. He didn’t _want_ to have his father’s heinous rules control even more of his life than they already do. He has been trapped here since Friday and he has nearly reached his tipping point.

Castiel’s phone rings again.

Truly, this whole situation is ridiculous. Castiel is the youngest in his father’s so-called garrison and Father controls every single one of them. Castiel looks at Gabriel’s empty chair. Except for Gabriel. But that’s why Gabriel isn’t here. Because Gabriel is fallen. Banished. Disowned. And everyone is afraid to be like Gabriel.

Castiel’s phone rings again and he glances over at his father who is glowering at him.

“Castiel, you know the rule,” Father begins.

Perhaps things would’ve been different had Father not chosen to begin his sentence this way.

But he didn’t.

And Castiel feels a wave of hot anger wash over him and he pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket. He looks his father in the eyes, and without checking to see who’s calling first, Castiel answers his phone. At the dinner-table. “Hello?” Castiel asks.

“Cas!” Charlie exclaims.

Castiel jumps to his feet.

Something’s wrong.

There’s panic in Charlie’s voice. Castiel knows this because he has gotten to know Charlie quite a bit since January because she comes to every Dancing Badly class that Castiel teaches. At first, they just had the dance classes and then an occasional lunch, but now they get weekly dinners at Aromas in CW. Charlie even calls him Cas which Castiel loves because Castiel is the name given to him by his father, but _Cas_ is the name given to him by Dean and since Charlie is Dean’s best friend, Castiel wants Charlie to call him Cas rather than Castiel because Charlie is quickly becoming Castiel’s family thanks to Dean’s accidental introduction and a combination of Charlie’s charisma, enthusiasm for dancing, and kindness.

And now she’s calling Castiel while she’s upset.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asks. He feels sick and his heart is starting to beat faster.

“Castiel Novak,” Father growls. “Hang up right now.”

All Castiel can do is stare at his father with his eyes wide as he listens in horror to what Charlie has to say.

“Dean’s dad died.” Charlie sounds like she has been crying. “And Dean’s _not okay._ I mean, obviously, how could he be after everything that _motherfucking piece of shit_ put him through and now, he’s dead and Dean’s going to go to the funeral which is in a few days—I don’t remember the exact timeframe—and I can only imagine the kind of guilt Dean’s feeling right now.”

Father approaches Castiel who quickly backs away from the table.

“Dean needs us,” Charlie says. “He’s with Bobby and Ellen right now and I’m trying to get an earlier flight to Williamsburg literally as we speak, but I’m having trouble because I’m in Colorado right now and there’s a freaking snowstorm so I’m not sure I’ll be able to leave for a while. He needs us. You, especially.”

Castiel feels like the world freezes. All he can see in his mind’s eye are images of Dean. Smiling. Laughing. Crying. His Dean. Who needs him.

For some reason Castiel thinks of “Not Yet/Love Run” by The Amazing Devil.

_“It’s up to you now,  
Up to you now love_

_To run  
Love run,”_

It’s not appropriate. It’s not. But it gives Castiel the courage to say, “I’ll be there soon.”

Then he hangs up and makes to leave the room.

Father grabs Castiel’s arm and holds on tightly. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m needed elsewhere,” Castiel says.

Father’s grip tightens. Castiel’s pretty sure this will bruise. “We are having a family dinner.” Father says. “You are being incredibly rude. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

 _Castiel_ should be ashamed?

Castiel feels fucking _flooded_ with anger. His whole body shakes with it. “Let go,” Castiel whispers, hardly able to get the words out.

“What did you say?” Father hisses.

“Let go of me!” Castiel screams as he rips his arm out of his father’s grasp.

He takes a step back and stares at his father who’s staring at him slack-jawed. Castiel blinks. He cannot believe he did that.

Castiel shakes his head. He doesn’t have time to think about that.

Castiel turns on his heel, dashes up the stairs, runs into his room, grabs his dirty-clothes bag, jams it into the suitcase he has been living out of for the past two days, surveys the room for anything he’d like to keep, grabs the bee figurine he keeps on his bedside table, buries it in his dirty t-shirts for safe-keeping, and climbs out the window. He drops his suitcase onto the ground and then he climbs down the tree next to his room. Once he’s on the ground, he grabs his suitcase, and runs. He can hear his father yelling at him from inside the house. He wouldn’t dare follow though. What would the neighbors think?

Castiel’s phone rings again. He looks at it. His father is calling. Castiel declines the call.

Castiel turns a corner and starts walking. It’s hard to breathe because of the running, but also because there’s a lump forming in his throat. Tears gather in his eyes, but he blinks them back. He’s in so much trouble.

Dean. This is for Dean. Dean needs him.

_“Run for all you know that’s coming  
Run to show that love’s worth running to”_

Castiel calls a cab and the driver meets him at the edge of his neighborhood. He is taken to the airport where he is in luck and finds a flight. There are two connections and Castiel is up for over twenty-four hours, but he gets to Richmond, Virginia. He still has maybe another two hours to get to Dean depending on traffic. One hour if he’s lucky, but let’s face it. Castiel is never lucky.

Castiel hails a cab and says, “I need to make a call before I give you a location. Is that okay?”

“Sure,” the driver replies.

Castiel calls Dean.

Please pick up.

Please pick up.

Please pick up.

Please—

“Hey Cas,” Dean’s voice sounds broken.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel isn’t sure what else to say. His heart is racing and he’s sweating. Everywhere. “I’m back. Can I see you?”

Dean doesn’t say anything for a few beats. Then he asks, “Charlie told you; huh?”

“Yes,”

Dean sighs. “I’m at Bobby’s. I’ll text you the address.”

Castiel’s phone buzzes. “Thank you, Dean; hang on a moment please.”

“Okay,” Dean says.

Castiel shows the driver the address. “Can you please take me here? I’ll pay extra.”

“Sure thing, kid.” The driver says.

“Thank you.” Castiel tells the driver.

“I’m back, Dean.” Castiel tells Dean.

“Hey Cas, I’m gonna go. Okay? I’ll see you when you get here.” Dean says.

“Okay,” Castiel says.

“Thanks,” Dean’s voice breaks. “For…for coming.”

Castiel should tell him.

He should tell Dean that he loves him.

No. Not yet.

He doesn’t want to make this about him. It’s not the time.

“Of course. I wanted to help if I could.” Castiel says.

“Means a lot.” Dean sniffles. “I’m gonna go now though.”

“Yes, I will see you soon.” Castiel replies.

Dean hangs up.

“I love you. I would travel to the ends of the earth for you.” Castiel whispers. “And you’re worth any trouble I come across along the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, online grad school's starting up again so I'm only going to be able to post maybe twice a week now. I think it'll be Tuesdays and Fridays. (Fridays for sure, but I'm not sure if it'll be Mondays or Tuesdays for the beginning of the week post).
> 
> Thank you all for all of your support!!:D


	21. Tears and Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, child abuse, homophobia, talks of being disowned, death of an abusive parent

March 17

_Castiel_

Castiel has been driving for the past hour. Dean drove all night and he still isn’t sleeping. They have been in a car together for ten hours now and they have seven hours to go. Dean’s not good on planes so Castiel suggested they drive his car. One of the perks of having a rich father who likes to appear to be taking good care of his children is having a car on campus.

Rather than sleep, Dean has announced that he will keep Castiel company and entertain him by reading poems from Richard Siken’s poetry collection, _Crush._ Dean needs to read the book for his poetry class. Ellen gave him her copy.

Castiel has read Siken before and likes the poems in this collection. He doesn’t tell Dean that though. He doesn’t want to discourage Dean and enjoys listening to the way Dean reads the poems: his voice full of emotion, pausing in all the right places, sometimes stuttering over the words because they’re so poignant.

“Oh,” Dean goes quiet after reading the first two stanzas of one of the poems—this one’s called “Little Beast.”

“What?” Castiel asks.

“It just…let me read it.” Dean takes a shaky breath and reads.

Castiel knows what this poem is about. It’s about a painful romance with desire and violent images and references to self-harm. It’s about how love can destroy. At least that’s how Castiel had interpreted it. It could be about anything really; that’s the beauty of poetry. And Siken’s poetry is beautiful; it’s just painful as well.

The third stanza of this poem is about history and how the speaker does not feel connected to history. Although Castiel is fairly certain Siken is not talking about the familial cycle of abuse in this stanza, Castiel cannot help but think about it. And how Dean and Castiel are desperately working to break that cycle within their families. How each of their fathers claimed that their treatment was okay because it was what _their_ fathers did to them when they were young and how this has probably gone on and on in both their families for generations. But now Castiel and Dean are both trying to put an end to that. Their families’ history does not know them yet; they are something new. Castiel cannot help but also think about how he is driving Dean to the funeral of Dean’s abuser. And how Castiel has been ignoring the phone-calls of his own abuser.

Castiel grips the steering wheel tighter and tries to focus on the road and the sound of Dean’s voice as he reads the poems.

Dean has read a couple poems during the time Castiel was lost in thought. He’s now on “Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out” which is Castiel’s favorite poem in the whole collection. It’s about forgiveness and wishing to rewrite history.

Castiel’s favorite line is “Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all/forgiven,/even though we didn’t deserve it.”

That would be nice. Forgiveness. Castiel will never be forgiven.

Castiel shakes his head. This is not of import at the moment.

He glances over at Dean. He’s the hero here. He’s the one Siken says gets the magic gloves and the fish that talks and eyes like flashlights. Dean’s green eyes sure do seem to light up when he’s happy.

When Dean finishes reading that poem, Castiel says, “If you were the hero of this poem, what superpowers would you want?”

Dean chuckles. “I think it would be cool to be really strong. But I’m not the hero. I’m just the writer. What about you?”

“I would like to have wings and be able to fly. I’m probably the dragon though…I still get wings which is nice.” Castiel says.

“No, Cas. You’re definitely the hero.” Dean says with a sort of intensity in his voice so strong that Castiel feels compelled to look at him.

Castiel looks at Dean and sees Dean staring at Castiel with a serious expression.

“Dean, I don’t understand.” Castiel admits.

“You’re always swooping in and saving me.” Dean says.

“You do the same for me, Dean.” Castiel replies, looking back at the road. “Besides, stories are all about point of view. Perhaps you’re the hero in my story. Perhaps I’m the…I’m the hero in your story. Like I said, it’s all about point of view. Both could be valid. Or perhaps there are multiple heroes in both stories. You, me, Bobby, Meg, Ellen, Crowley, Benny, Charlie, Garth, Gabriel—my brother. Perhaps we’re saved by numerous people. Perhaps this is about all of us.”

Castiel takes another peek at Dean who’s nodding.

“Perhaps,” Dean says. “And…and maybe, we save ourselves too. We got away from our dads….and we’re never gonna be like them.”

“Yeah,”

**_Two Days Earlier_ **

**Dean**

It’s March 15 and Dean’s in the kitchen helping Ellen with dinner. He usually loves getting to spend time in the kitchen with Ellen because he wants to learn how to cook. He’s going to graduate at some point, and he needs to be able to cook for himself one day…and now that Cas is in the picture, maybe he’ll be cooking for Cas one day.

Today’s different though. Everything in Dean’s body _aches_. He can’t concentrate. He keeps dropping things. He’s not listening to Ellen. He’s stuck in these weird periods of having so much energy that he cannot for the life of him stop moving and other periods like now when he just wants to collapse. It doesn’t help that he has been crying off and on ever since Bobby called him over here and told him that his dad died.

Dean really hates that he’s crying so much.

“Hey kiddo, you with me?” Ellen asks.

Dean blinks and realizes there’s wetness on his face. Great. Now he’s crying again. Why’s he even crying over that bastard? Why’s he even planning to go to his funeral? Dean _left_. He shouldn’t go back to him.

But he’s going to. Because he always did try to be a good son.

And he keeps thinking that maybe…maybe his mom will be there. Maybe Sammy will be there. How old is Sammy now? Sixteen? Seventeen? Dean can’t even remember Sammy’s birthday.

Why does he care?

He wishes he didn’t care.

“Hey, Dean? Look at me, please.” Ellen says.

Dean looks at Ellen and swipes at his eyes with his sleeve. “Sorry,” Dean clears his throat. “Lost in thought.”

“That’s understandable.”

Nobody says anything as Ellen stirs something or another. Dean doesn’t even know what they’re making. He _wanted_ to know. All he has to do is _ask_ and he can find out.

Why is this so hard?

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ellen asks.

“I, uh,” Dean doesn’t know what to say.

Does he want to talk about it?

No.

Does he think talking about it might make him feel better?

Yes.

But only because he feels like his head is going to explode from all these hellish thoughts and feelings. There’s just too much shit swimming around in his brain.

Ellen reaches out and gives Dean’s hand a little squeeze. She does that a lot when neither of them knows what to say, but she wants to let Dean know she’s here and she cares about him. That’s why Dean does it. He did it first with Charlie, then Benny, then Garth, then Cas. Everyone Dean loves gets a gentle hand-squeeze when he’s lost for words.

After a few moments, Ellen says, “I would take this from you if I could.”

And then Dean’s crying again.

And Ellen hugs Dean tightly.

And Dean wishes yet again that Ellen could be his mom. Because she’s the closest thing he has ever had to one.

…

**Dean**

Dean’s antsy after he gets the call from Cas. He paces around the house for a solid hour. Bobby does his best to try to help Dean. Bobby tries to get Dean to join him when he works on a puzzle. He offers to take Dean out back to work on a car. He suggests they watch a tv show together. He asks if Dean wants to go for a walk with him, but Dean doesn’t want to leave the house because he doesn’t want to miss Cas.

Ellen hands Dean a cup of coffee and Dean chugs the whole thing. He has an easier time settling down after that.

“Wanna read, Dean?” Ellen asks.

“Sure,” Dean replies.

Ellen goes to the bookshelf and pulls a book off the shelf. “Here,” Ellen hands it to Dean. “We’re reading this one next for our poetry class.”

It’s _Crush_ by Richard Siken.

Ellen walks over to the coffee table and returns with a pen. “You can write in it if you want.” Ellen hands Dean the pen.

Dean takes the pen and curls up on the couch.

Ellen walks out of the room and returns with another cup of coffee. “Here, Dean.” Ellen hands him the cup.

“Thanks,” Dean says.

He takes a sip of coffee and starts reading.

A few minutes later, he overhears Bobby ask Ellen, “Did you drug him?”

“No. I have ADHD and he acts the same way I do. I’m not sure, but I think he has it too, so I gave him some coffee to calm him down.” Ellen replies. “He’s always less fidgety in class when he has coffee.”

“Looks like it worked.”

Dean wants to join this fascinating conversation about his possible neurodivergence, but there’s a knock on the door. Dean jumps up, runs out of the living room, and into the entryway. He opens the door and sees Cas looking strung-out and exhausted. He’s wearing that tan trench-coat, blue tie, suit, slacks, and dress-shoes combo again. Everything’s wrinkled.

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas says before walking through the entryway and pulling Dean into a tight hug.

“Cas,” Dean whispers before hugging Cas back. “You’re here.”

“I’m here, Dean,” Cas says.

“ _Cas_ ,” Dean grips fistfuls of Cas’s trench-coat.

And now he’s crying again. Dean _really_ hates this. He hates crying. His dad always said that crying is a weakness.

Cas doesn’t say anything, he just hugs Dean and makes little circle-motions with his thumbs. It’s a little weird. But comforting.

Dean finally calms down and releases his grip on Cas.

“How are you here?” Dean asks.

He should’ve asked before, but he just didn’t think about it at the time. Now that Cas is here standing in front of him, it’s hard _not_ to think about the fact that Cas should be on the other side of the country right now.

“I got lucky and found a flight,” Cas replies.

“But…what about your dad? What did you tell him?”

“Nothing. I,” Cas shakes his head. “Fuck him.”

“No thanks,” Dean says on impulse.

Oh shit.

That was the exact wrong thing to say.

Dean stares at Cas, an apology caught in his throat.

That is, until Cas laughs and says, “I love you.”

Then Cas freezes and says, “I hadn’t intended on saying that yet. This is poor timing on my part.”

Dean stares at Cas some more, but this time in amazement. This guy. This dorky guy in front of him who just says the wildest things sometimes.

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean reaches out and gives Cas’s hand a little squeeze.

The smile that lights Cas’s face could put the sun to shame.

…

_Castiel_

Professor Singer and Professor Singer—or as they’ve told Castiel to call them, Bobby and Ellen, turn in for the night at 11PM on March 15.

“Okay boys, you two have full access to everything but Ellen’s and my room. There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry. Dean can cook, but ya know, don’t make him cook alone tonight. Not that I think you would Castiel, but still. It had to be said. No favoritism in the classroom, but in this house, there _is_ favoritism.” Bobby winks at Dean whose face turns red.

There’s a little smile on Dean’s face and it makes Castiel feel warm seeing Bobby care for Dean. At least Dean has one reliable father-figure.

“Anyway, Cas, you and Dean should discuss the sleeping arrangements. Ellen and I don’t care if you want to sleep in Dean’s room together; that’s for you two to decide.” Bobby says.

Castiel feels comforted by the idea that Bobby and Ellen are clearly supportive of Dean dating Castiel.

“Well, goodnight you two.” Ellen hugs Dean. She walks over to Castiel and reaches out and gives his arm a gentle squeeze.

Castiel tilts his head to the side, confused by Ellen’s action. Dean does this sometimes. Did he start doing this because of Ellen?

The gesture feels nice…comforting even. So, he reaches out and gives her arm a little squeeze too. Ellen smiles and puts her hand over Castiel’s. Then she walks away.

Castiel watches as Bobby hugs Dean. He walks over to Castiel and gives him a pat on the shoulder.

Castiel watches both Ellen and Bobby walk up the stairs. Ellen looks at Dean one more time over her shoulder. Then Bobby does. They exchange a look and hold hands as they walk up the stairs.

It’s odd being here with the people who have taken Dean in. It probably wouldn’t be as strange if Castiel hadn’t taken classes with them before. Castiel’s in Ellen’s class right now and Castiel always feels so intimidated by her in the classroom. Now she’s here and she’s the closest thing Dean has to a mom and Castiel feels utterly fascinated by her.

It’s just so odd seeing people in a second place. It’s strange to see Bobby and Ellen act like parents rather than professors. They’re like this in the classroom too. But only sometimes. This is mostly during finals and midterms when everyone is scared. That’s when Bobby cracks the most jokes and Ellen promises extensions. They’re kind people.

It's just that Castiel has never seen them behave likes _parents_ before and he really can’t get over the strangeness of it all. They even extend their kindness to Castiel…a little bit. Is this what the future holds?

Castiel looks at Dean. Now really isn’t the time to consider the future. Not when the present is so painful for Dean.

“So, what did you want to do?” Dean asks. “You look tired. Do you want to sleep?”

 _Castiel_ looks tired?

Dean looks ready to collapse.

“I just want to be wherever you want me to be.” Castiel answers.

Dean blinks and looks away. He scratches the back of his neck and sighs. “I actually…I kinda want to talk about it. I think. What exactly did Charlie tell you?”

“Only that your dad died, and you might need our support. She’s having trouble finding a flight.”

“Yeah, she has had _a lot_ to say about that snow.”

“Did she tell you the thing about how she wants to invent a machine, so snow won’t exist anymore?”

“No, but that sounds very Charlie.” Dean chuckles. Then he gets serious again. “Can we sit?”

“Of course,”

They sit together on the couch and Dean tells Castiel about the moment Bobby invited him to the house to tell him about something important. He talks about how someone had contacted the school in an effort to get the news to Dean and how someone finally told Bobby because Bobby’s Dean’s advisor. So Bobby told Dean. He talks about the funeral in Lawrence, Kansas. He talks about not knowing the details of his dad’s death because he wasn’t really listening after Bobby told him about his dad’s death and the location of the funeral.

It feels almost too personal to Dean for Castiel to analyze. He just…he wishes he could help more.

“Cas, I…I want to go. To the funeral.” Dean sniffles. “Can you…can you come with me?”

“Of course,” Castiel says immediately.

Dean blinks and covers his mouth.

“You’re gonna get through this, Dean.” Castiel says.

Dean nods.

Castiel reaches out and gives Dean’s wrist a gentle squeeze. This seems to be the family language; Castiel hopes to become fluent in it one day.

A small smile lights Dean’s face and he puts his hand over Castiel’s. Castiel must be close.

Dean yawns. “I’m wiped. Where did you want to sleep? Together? Separately? What would you feel more comfortable with right now?”

“I don’t want to crowd you. Do you want space or closeness right now?”

Dean looks down. Then he looks at Castiel and says, “I really don’t wanna be alone.”

“Then let’s sleep together,” Castiel replies.

They go to a room that Dean refuses to call his room, but it’s clear to Castiel that this room is meant for Dean. There’s a big bookshelf with the books lined in rainbow order just like the bookshelf in Dean’s dorm-room. There are two bedside tables: one on each side. One has a small lamp and a small shelf with a stack of three books. They’re the three books Dean has mentioned reading. The other has a record player on it and a small shelf under the player with records. The curtains are light blue. The bedspread is midnight blue. There is a framed copy of the artwork, “Starry Night” by Van Gough hung up on the wall. That is Dean’s favorite piece of art. That cannot be a coincidence.

Castiel wonders why Dean won’t acknowledge aloud that this room is for him. Now is certainly not the time to ask Dean about this, but he’s still curious.

They change for bed. Castiel doesn’t even think about it. He just puts on his purple cat pajama set in front of Dean because he can’t remember where the bathroom is and Dean asked Castiel to not leave him alone. He doesn’t dare look at Dean while he changes. Dean doesn’t need that right now.

Then they turn off the lights and lie together in bed.

“Can I hold you this time?” Dean asks.

“Yes,” Castiel replies.

Dean lies behind Castiel, wraps his arms around Castiel’s middle, and rests his head against Castiel’s back. Castiel puts his arm over Dean’s arms. Castiel feels warm and it’s not just because of the cozy blankets on the room’s (Dean’s) bedding.

They lie together in silence for a while. Dean fidgets the whole time.

Finally, Dean says, “Sorry, Cas. I can’t sleep. Do you want me to let go so you can sleep?”

“No.” Castiel holds on tighter to Dean’s arm. “Let’s just talk for a bit.”

“What do you want to talk about?” Dean asks.

“Want to play a game?”

“Sure,”

“Okay, so this one’s just asking each other questions. But only the most random questions you can think of. It can’t be something normal or important.”

“Okay. Can you go first to give me an example?”

“Of course. Okay, let’s see? Uh, what’s your least favorite color?”

“Orange. Yours?”

“Highlighter yellow.”

“Okay, let me think. Oh, I’ve got one. Do you have a tattoo, Cas?” Dean asks.

“Yes. Two actually.” Castiel replies. “They’re song lyrics. One is “it’s always darkest before the dawn” from “Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine. The other is “goodbye to all my darkness, there’s nothing here but light” from “Farewell Wanderlust” by The Amazing Devil. They’re on my ribcage. Do you have any tattoos?”

“No. But I do want to get some eventually.”

“What’s your favorite dish to bake?”

“That’s easy. Pie. You?”

“I can’t bake. I set everything on fire.”

Dean laughs.

They spend the next few hours talking about nothing of import…at least in comparison to the nightmarish situations they have both found themselves in…and making each other laugh. Castiel loves hearing Dean laugh. Sometimes when Castiel says something especially funny, Dean presses his face into Castiel’s back and Castiel can not only hear Dean’s laugh, but he can feel it too. It feels heavenly.

Eventually, Dean’s breathing evens out and Castiel assumes he’s asleep. Castiel falls asleep not long after that.

…

March 17

_Castiel_

Dean reads for another hour before he finally falls asleep. Castiel nearly starts crying with relief. He’s worried about Dean. He wishes Charlie were here or Benny or Garth or literally anyone who knows Dean better than Castiel does and could perhaps talk Dean down from this cliff he seems so insistent on jumping off right now. Castiel does not blame Dean for his behavior, nor is he angry with Dean. Castiel imagines he would behave in a similar manner if his own father died. It’s just terrifying to watch this person he loves so much suffer. It’s like Dean’s punishing himself for leaving home in the first place.

Castiel finds himself thinking about “Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)” by The Amazing Devil again.

_“Though some would harm you, none—not one—no none  
will raise to you a hand nor thumb  
not while by you I stand and hum.”_

If only that were true. Castiel cannot protect Dean from this. He cannot protect Dean from himself. He cannot protect Dean from the fate that awaits him at the funeral. Castiel cannot protect Dean from the conflicted feelings Dean expresses when he talks about the possibility of seeing his mother and brother at the funeral. There is nothing that Castiel can do about these things.

**Dean**

It’s still March 17th when Dean jolts awake.

“Shit, sorry Dean. I hit a bump.” Cas says. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean mumbles.

Cas puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to try to sleep more?”

Dean nods. He rests his hand on top of Cas’s hand and mumbles, “Gonna sleep. Love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, Dean.” Cas replies.

Dean cannot help but think about how this would be _so much_ worse if Dean were to try to do this alone. He would’ve driven for seventeen hours straight with nothing but bathroom and coffee breaks. No food. No naps. Nothing but driving until he reached his destination. Cas just being here helps Dean a lot. For one, Cas has a car and can take turns driving and Dean didn’t need to borrow Bobby’s or Ellen’s.

But beyond the driving aspect and the physical requirements it takes to get to the funeral, Cas just being here with him helps a lot. Cas can’t fix any of this shitty situation, but Cas just being here somehow makes it the tiniest bit _less_ shitty. That means a lot to Dean and he loves Cas for a lot of things, but especially for being here right now.

As Dean drifts off to sleep, a part of the song, “Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise) by The Amazing Devil pops into his head.

_“All that matters  
is that you’re here.”_


	22. Being Taken Care Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Foul language, child abuse, death of an abusive parent, poor mental health

**Dean**

It’s March 16th when Dean wakes up to the sound of a “thunk” followed by Cas whispering, “Fuck.”

There’s something comforting about waking up to Cas’s voice…at least until Dean processes what’s going on. They’re at Bobby’s and Ellen’s house. Today’s the day they’re going to start driving to Kansas for Dean’s dad’s funeral.

Shit.

Dean sits up to see light peeking through the curtains. There’s enough light for Dean to see that Cas is standing up, rubbing a knee.

“You okay?” Dean asks.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Cas says.

“You’re fine, Cas. I needed to get up at some point. What time is it anyway?” Dean asks.

Cas checks his phone. “It’s 11:23AM,” Cas replies.

Oh.

“It’s that late already?” Dean asks.

Cas nods.

With a heavy heart, Dean sighs, “I guess it’s time to get ready; huh?”

“It’s a seventeen-hour drive. Not including traffic.” Cas replies.

It’s not really an answer. Dean’s not sure, but he thinks Cas must be trying to let Dean make the decision about when to leave. That makes sense given that his behavior yesterday was so careful: checking in with Dean, making sure Dean doesn’t feel like his space has been invaded. That’s the thing though. Dean really doesn’t want to be alone right now. He thinks he _should_ want to be alone though, and he feels pathetic for wanting to be around people.

Dean nods and sits on the edge of the bed.

Dean can feel himself slipping. He hates this.

He doesn’t want to go into the empty.

But he probably will.

He doesn’t want _Cas_ to see this.

But he probably will.

And if Cas is going to be in Dean’s life, Dean needs to let Cas see the sad parts. There are _a lot_ of sad parts. And Cas hasn’t left yet, so that means he probably won’t leave now…right?

Dean wishes he didn’t feel this way.

Fuck his dad for treating him like shit for years and then dying. Fuck his mom for leaving Dean and never coming back to see if he was even okay. He _wasn’t_ okay. He needed someone to look after him.

Now he’s an adult and after taking care of himself for years, it seems like he might have people to take care of him. It’s not fair. He wanted this when he was a kid. Now…now Dean doesn’t know how to accept it without feeling like a failure for daring to _want_ to be taken care of.

“Dean?” Cas asks.

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

“You looked a little lost. Can I do anything for you?” Cas asks.

The question brings tears to Dean’s eyes. This. This right here is both the problem and the blessing. Cas is just one of the many kind people in Dean’s life who have gone through the horrific task of trying to take care of Dean. He’s not sure why these people care about him…much less love him. Cas _loves_ him. Dean cannot quite believe it. It hadn’t fully hit him yesterday. Yesterday it all felt so natural. _Of course_ , they love each other. _Of course_ , they’re at a point where they tell each other that.

That’s how it felt _yesterday_.

Today?

Today Dean doesn’t feel like he deserves it.

He doesn’t deserve it from anyone. Not Cas. Not Charlie. Not Bobby. Not Ellen. Not Benny. Not Garth. Not Jo. Dean’s mom left him when he was six…just long enough to know he wasn’t worth saving. Dean’s dad used him as his personal punching bag in both the physical and emotional sense for twelve years. Dean’s parents knew Dean wasn’t worth it. Why doesn’t anyone here know that?

How good of a show does Dean put on to fool everyone here into believing he is worthy of their time and consideration and their…their _love_ of all things?

“Dean,” Cas sounds far away.

Dean looks at his shoulder and sees Cas’s hand there. Now he’s noticing the gentle pressure Cas is putting on Dean’s shoulder. Why didn’t he notice that before?

Dean’s thoughts are just so _loud_.

Dean needs something—anything—else to focus on.

He looks at Cas. Perhaps Cas will understand. Cas always seems to know what to do when Dean’s in trouble. He hasn’t seen a lot of Dean’s shit, but when he has seen a problem, he has known what to do. Or at least he has acted like he did.

“Dean, please talk to me,” Cas says.

Dean puts his hand over Cas’s hand—the one that’s touching his shoulder. He gives it a small squeeze—nothing to hurt Cas; never that—just enough for Cas to register a squeeze.

Cas returns the pressure.

Dean does it again.

Cas returns the pressure.

Dean gives Cas’s hand another squeeze.

Cas returns the pressure.

Dean’s not sure how long they do this. But eventually, Dean doesn’t feel like his head is wrapped in plastic. Well…maybe a light layer. But it’s not as bad as before.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean whispers.

“Dean?” Cas whispers. “What happened?”

“I really don’t know.” Dean admits.

Maybe this is something that comes with that ADHD thing Ellen was talking about. Who the hell knows?

Dean watches as Cas blinks back tears and his face morphs into anguish. It’s just for a second. Cas blinks his tears away and plasters on a neutral expression. But Dean saw. He saw Cas’s sorrow over whatever the fuck went wrong in Dean’s brain.

Dean prepares himself for the moment when Cas pulls away. When he releases his hold on Dean’s hand and walks out the door and out of Dean’s life without a word.

But Cas doesn’t do that. Instead, he pulls Dean into a tight hug. Cas is still standing, and Dean is still sitting on the edge of the bed, so Cas tucks Dean’s head under his chin. Dean’s face is pressed against Cas’s chest.

Dean hugs Cas back. He tries to focus on the things he can feel within his physical environment. Cas. Dean can feel Cas’s arms around him. He can feel Cas’s body-heat. He can feel Cas’s heart pounding. Dean must’ve scared Cas just now. He can feel wetness in his hair. Shit. Dean must’ve _really_ scared Cas just now.

But Cas is still here.

And honestly? In this particular moment? That’s all that matters to Dean. Dean’s selfish like that sometimes.

The rest of the day passes in a blur. It’s just a bunch of packing and finding road-trip food and making compromises and saying see-you-later’s to Bobby and Ellen and then a quick stop to Cas’s dorm and then they’re on the road. Dean’s driving and there’s no way he’s letting Cas drive partly because Dean needs to be productive right now and driving is productive.

It’s also Bobby hugging Dean tightly and pressing a kiss on the top of Dean’s head and whispering, “I love you, son. Take care of yourself.”

It’s Dean hugging Bobby back tightly and trying not to cry.

It’s Ellen reminding Dean to eat vegetables while he’s gone.

It’s Dean chuckling and intending to say “yes, ma’am” but instead saying “Yes, Mom,” by accident and then looking at Ellen as horror spills over his being from his head to his toes.

It’s Ellen giving Dean a small, sad smile and saying, “I love you too, kiddo.”

It’s Ellen giving Dean’s hand a small squeeze.

It’s Dean hiding in the kitchen and crying on the floor with his hand pressed over his mouth to try to muffle his sobs. It’s Dean overhearing Ellen, Bobby, and Cas walking around the living room, walking towards the kitchen and then walking away.

It’s Dean finally pulling himself back together. It’s Dean walking back into the living room with the intention of telling these three people how much he loves them, but instead saying, “Thank you. All of you.”

It’s Bobby and Ellen hugging Dean tightly.

It’s Bobby saying, “Cas, get your ass over here.”

It’s Cas laughing and joining the hug.

“Guys, I,” Dean’s voice cuts off.

“We know. We love you too.” Bobby says.

It’s knowing that his parents didn’t love him, but Bobby and Ellen do.

It’s knowing that he has found a family in Bobby and Ellen and Charlie (who has left Dean five texts that he needs to answer) and Benny (who has sent three texts) and Garth (who left a voice-mail) and Jo and Cas. They’re his family. No matter what happens in the next few days, Dean knows he has a family. He knows they want to take care of him…it’s just _hard_ to allow himself to be taken care of.


	23. Driving to Kansas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Foul language, child abuse, death of an abusive parent, poor mental health

March 16

_Castiel_

After Castiel and Dean say their goodbyes to Bobby and Ellen, they go to Food Lion to get supplies. While at Food Lion, Castiel excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, he calls Gabriel. Castiel feels a twinge of guilt as he calls his brother and ignores the texts from Charlie. He needs to reach out to Charlie after this. But calling Gabriel is a necessity if Castiel wants to accompany Dean on this trip to Kansas.

“Yellow.” Gabriel always answers the phone like this. The familiar gesture tugs at Castiel’s heart. How long has it been since he last saw his older brother? Christmas. It feels like so much longer than two and a half months. And now Castiel is calling Gabriel just because he needs money. Castiel feels like he’s drowning in his shame, but he has to do this. He doesn’t have another choice.

“I’m so sorry for calling you for the first time in a while because I need something, but I really, _really_ need something. It’s not really for me. It’s for my—um—my— _fuck_ , I hope Father hasn’t tapped our phones.” Castiel presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose and sighs, “He’s my boyfriend. And his dad died, and they had a complicated relationship—and by complicated, I mean his dad was an abusive piece of shit—and—and—and his best friend, Charlie, she called me while I was at Father’s estate.” Castiel feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest as he tries to get all the words out. “And I answered the phone at the dinner table and then I left. I got on a plane and now I’m in Williamsburg and Dean and I are about to travel to Kansas for the funeral and I’m worried Father might cut off my funds, so I was wondering if you could,” Castiel’s voice catches. “Could you please lend me some money for the trip? I’m so sorry for not contacting you without needing something. It will not happen again. I’m just pressed for time right now.” Castiel feels tears sting his eyes. “I’m sorry, Gabriel.”

“Castiel, you do not need to apologize for any of this. Of course, I’ll give you some money. I’ll send you an email with the info. Hang on just a sec.” Gabriel stops talking and Castiel can hear some typing. “Okay, you should get it.”

Castiel’s phone buzzes and the email notification pops up. It’s the email he uses to contact Gabriel. Castiel opens up the email and sees that Gabriel has put a million dollars into Castiel’s secret bank account where he puts the money he makes from working at the Rec.

“Gabriel, what the fuck?” Castiel feels a little faint.

“I _did_ tell you that I won the lottery. This is hardly anything.” Gabriel laughs. “Now you should have plenty of money for whatever you need. I’ve got plenty more if you need anything else though. No questions asked. No judgement.”

“Thank you,” Castiel whispers.

“Of course,” Gabriel says. “And I want to hear all about that Dean of yours when you get the chance.”

“I’ll call soon.”

“Oh, and when you get the chance, listen to “Better Days” by Ant Clemons. It features Justin Timberlake. Not to get sappy, but I listen to it when I’m down. I think you might need it right now.”

“Thank you, Gabriel.”

“Don’t worry about it. Stay safe, little bro. Love ya.”

“Love you too.”

Castiel catches up with Dean who has a basket full of supplies: food, a first aid kit, paper towels, hand sanitizer, water, coffees. A lot of coffees.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel says.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean replies. “Oh hey, we need to figure out the division of labor.”

“Dean, I can get you there and I don’t mind paying for everything.”

Dean frowns. “I don’t…I don’t think that works. You can’t do everything.”

Castiel kicks himself for his suggestion. _Of course_ , Dean won’t let Castiel do everything. How could Castiel even suggest that? He knows how Dean is about money.

“Okay, how about you pay for one meal while we’re there and you take turns driving?” Castiel suggests.

“I feel like I should do more.” Dean says.

“Dean, you are the one who has suffered a loss. Please, let me take care of this for you.”

Dean hesitates before saying, “Okay.” He looks at the basket in his hand and says, “I’m paying for this though.” Dean makes a beeline for the self-checkout.

Castiel follows Dean with a heavy heart. Castiel knows that Dean struggles with letting people help him and although Castiel understands the feeling, it hurts to see Dean behave this way.

…

March 17

_Castiel_

At some point in the night, Castiel falls asleep. He wakes up at 4AM on the dot. He looks at Dean who’s drinking one of the coffees he bought at Food Lion. His hand that is holding the coffee shakes. He must be exhausted.

“Do you want me to drive?” Castiel asks in a quiet voice.

“I’m okay. You should get some more sleep.” Dean replies.

“Dean, you’ve been driving since 6pm yesterday. It’s 4am now. Please let me drive. You must be tired.”

Dean doesn’t say anything.

Castiel worries that Dean is just going to ignore him.

But then Dean pulls over and gets out of the car. He leans against the hood of the car. Castiel pulls the keys out of the ignition and stands by Dean. The night air is still. There is an impossible number of stars in the sky. They’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s a little unnerving, but Castiel doesn’t say anything. He just waits for Dean.

“Is this a mistake?” Dean asks.

“Traveling to the funeral?” Castiel asks.

“Yeah, that.”

“I can’t be sure, but I don’t think it’s a mistake.”

Dean looks at Castiel. Castiel wishes it weren’t so dark out. He can’t make out Dean’s facial expression. He can just barely tell that he moved to look at him.

“How do you know?” Dean asks.

“I don’t.” Castiel replies. “I just…I think that if we go back now, you’ll regret it.”

“Would you go? If it were your father?”

Castiel cocks his head to the side as he ponders Dean’s question.

 _Would_ Castiel go to his father’s funeral?

“I don’t know.” Castiel answers. “If I went, I would spend all my time with my older brother, Gabriel, who would probably spit on our father’s grave, so I’m not sure what that says about me.”

“I feel like I _owe_ him this. How sick is that? Everything he did to me. I—I still have nightmares.” Dean’s voice is unsteady. “And I’m going to his funeral? Funerals are supposed to honor people. Why does he deserve to be honored?”

“Perhaps this is about closure for you. Not honoring your father. Saying goodbye. You never said goodbye.”

Dean takes in a sharp breath. He reaches out and holds on to Castiel’s wrist.

Castiel puts his free hand over Dean’s and gives it a gentle squeeze. The pressure helped him in some way before.

Dean lets out a choked sob and squeezes back.

Castiel’s not sure if he should let go of Dean’s hand to hug him or if he should stay like this. He gives Dean’s hand another squeeze and lets him cry undisturbed.

“I don’t…I don’t know why I’m…why I’m crying so much.” Dean sobs.

“Perhaps you’re crying because part of you loves him…despite everything.” Castiel says.

It’s how Castiel feels about his father. No matter how much he wishes he could just hate him, he can’t.

“But _he_ didn’t love _me_.” Dean gasps for breath. “Why didn’t he love me?”

“I don’t know, Dean. It was his job to love you; I’m not sure why he chose not to do it.” Castiel says. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”

Dean cries for a long time.

A very long time.

Castiel waits quietly, answering every soft squeeze to his wrist with a gentle pressure to Dean’s hand. Every pained sound Dean chokes out goes straight into Castiel’s heart like daggers.

Dean lets go of Castiel’s wrist. Castiel lets go of Dean’s hand.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean sniffles. “That…that helped.”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say so he just hugs Dean, hoping that can be a good enough answer.

Dean hugs Castiel back.

They stay like this for a while. Then Dean lets go and walks to the passenger seat. Castiel gets into the driver’s seat and puts the keys in the ignition.

They continue their drive to the funeral.

…

**Dean**

It’s March 17th when Dean wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder gently but deliberately. He opens his eyes to see Cas staring at him. “Hey, Cas.” Dean says.

“We have arrived at the hotel.” Cas tells Dean.

Dean feels sick. He takes a deep breath, hoping that this will help him deal with what is to come next.

Dean gets out of the car and goes into the back for their bags. If Cas is going to pay for their accommodations, then Dean’s going to carry all their shit. He has to contribute somehow.

Cas looks at Dean, but doesn’t say anything. He puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder for a second, then he removes his hand and leads the way to the hotel.

The check-in is quick. Cas made the reservation yesterday in the car. They’re in a medium-sized suite with a king-sized bed and a cot. Dean’s not sure what the cot’s for. Even if they weren’t dating, it would’ve been cheaper to just share whatever bed was in the room.

But he doesn’t say anything.

They get to the room and Cas unlocks it with the key. It’s a nice room. There’s a big shower, an AC unit, a big window, a mini fridge, a nice tv. The bed is made up with fluffy-looking pillows and a pleasant sea-green bedding. Everything smells nice. Dean has never stayed in a hotel room this nice before.

He puts their stuff next to the cot.

“I’m hungry; do you want to get dinner together?” Cas asks. “It’s still early, but I’m sure we can find something to bring back here.”

Dean nods. They go get Burger King and bring it back to the hotel. They change into their pjs and eat on the bed while they watch a movie Cas found on the pay-per-view channel. Dean doesn’t pay attention to the plot. He can’t. He’s just so tired and empty and cold and he keeps thinking about the space between himself and Cas and finds himself staring often. He wants to hold Cas or be held or to at least just touch him.

He doesn’t know how to ask for that right now.

And anyway, Dean wishes he weren’t so clingy. Why can’t Dean just be _normal?_

Cas looks at Dean and tilts his head to the side, “What?”

Shit. How’s he supposed to explain this?

He can’t. He just can’t. Not tonight.

Dean shakes his head and smiles, “Nothing.”

Cas gets off the bed and throws their trash away. He yawns as he gets back on the bed. This time he sits so close to Dean that their thighs touch. Cas links their ankles and goes on watching the movie like nothing happened.

Dean takes the opportunity to take Cas’s hand in his and links their fingers.

Dean finds himself nodding off.

“Hey, Dean?” Cas’s voice is soft.

“Yeah?” Dean mumbles. He’s so tired.

“Do you want to get under the covers? You might be more comfortable that way.”

Dean nods and crawls under the covers.

Cas turns the tv off and does the same.

“Can you hold me, Cas?” Dean whispers, too exhausted to give a damn about whether or not he sounds pathetic for asking.

“Of course,” Cas wraps his arms around Dean’s middle.

Dean turns around and presses his face into Cas’s chest.

“Oh,” Cas whispers before holding Dean closer.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean mumbles as he grips a fist-full of Cas’s shirt. “Love ya.”

“I love you too Dean.” Cas presses a kiss on top of Dean’s head.

Dean’s not naïve. Even in this state of fatigue, he’s still aware that everything is shit, but at least Cas is holding him. At least Dean feels warm. At least he feels loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the funeral and the one that follows will be fun. (The next chapter will be posted tomorrow; I just need to edit it.)


	24. It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: poor mental health, child abuse, death of an abusive parent, homophobia, foul language

**Dean**

It’s March 18th. It’s the day of John Winchester’s funeral and Dean Winchester feels like he has swallowed a rock. That’s got to be it. Right? It’s obviously not a lump building in his throat signaling that Dean’s going to shed even more tears for the man who probably didn’t even notice when he left three and a half years ago. That man doesn’t deserve Dean’s tears.

When will Dean stop crying over him?

Dean’s such a shitty, shitty son. How could he leave him? He left his dad all alone with no one to take care of him.

Dean blinks.

What the fuck? _No_. How could he _not_ leave? Dean didn’t belong there; his dad didn’t _want_ him. All Dean’s dad did during Dean’s senior year of high school was shout abuse at him and hit him every time he saw him. Why _the fuck_ would Dean have stayed? Dean would’ve died if he had stayed there. He just knows it.

Dean takes a deep breath and goes into the closet to retrieve the suit Bobby let him borrow. According to Bobby, the suit is from Bobby’s “from his younger days” and Dean’s surprised to see how little Bobby’s sense of style has changed over the years. This looks exactly like something Bobby would wear to class now.

Dean’s suddenly aware of sharp pain in his thumb and realizes that he has bitten his nail down to the quick.

Dean rolls his eyes.

Perfect.

It’s now that he realizes that he’s so close to the bathroom that he can hear Cas singing in the shower. He’s singing “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone.

Dean can’t help but smile. That song always reminds Dean of Cas and he can’t help but wonder if it reminds Cas of Dean. Either way, Cas’s singing stirs something in Dean’s heart. Truth be told, Cas isn’t even very _good_ at singing, but there’s something about the way he’s super into the song that is just so cute. It makes up for his lack of pitch. He doesn’t sound _bad_ exactly. He just isn’t singing the correct notes. It makes Dean think of “Riptide” by Vance Joy.

_“I love you when you're singing that song,  
And I got a lump in my throat,  
'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong,”_

He never really understood that part until now that he’s standing outside of the bathroom—not looking—just listening to Cas sing and Dean’s having trouble fighting tears because it’s _so cute_ and he’s already feeling a shit-ton of other things and the cuteness of Castiel Novak is just pushing Dean over the edge.

Dean smiles as tears run down his face and he shakes his head. Everything is so fucked up right now. He doesn’t even deserve to feel good at this moment, but he does. Listening to Cas sing feels _good_. Being in love feels _good_. Why did something so awful have to happen right now when he’s supposed to get to enjoy feeling _good_ with Cas?

It doesn’t matter.

And…and they have time to feel good together after this funeral bullshit is over.

_“I just wanna, I just wanna know  
if you’re gonna, if you’re gonna stay”_

Dean thinks Cas just might stay. He has stuck around this long; hasn’t he?

Dean’s still not sure why he even wanted to go today. Closure? To see his mom? Those two things sound like terrible reasons to take a two-day road-trip.

Dean wipes his face on his sleeve and changes into Bobby’s suit. He forgot to bring nice shoes, so he’s stuck with his biker boots. (He’s just glad he has a suit.) Dean’s afraid that if he sits, he’ll wrinkle his suit, so he paces around the room humming Metallica songs until Cas gets out of the shower.

Cas walks out of the bathroom wearing black dress shoes, black slacks, a white button-down, his black suit jacket, his trench-coat, and a tie with a cartoon bumblebee pattern.

“I like your tie,” Dean says.

“Thanks,” Cas smiles. “Gabriel got it for me for my birthday last year.”

“When is your birthday anyway? I somehow neglected to ask that.”

“September 18,”

“So, you’re going to be twenty-one in September?”

“I’m already twenty-one.”

“Huh. You’re older than me.” Dean shakes his head. “I don’t know why that’s so surprising.”

Cas chuckles and bumps Dean’s shoulder.

…

**Dean**

The funeral is taking forever. It’s an open-casket one too. It’s a motherfucking open-casket funeral. Holy fucking _shit_. Who decided that was a good idea? Now, for the rest of Dean’s stupid fucking life, he’s going to the be stuck with the image of his dead dad etched into his brain. He cannot stop seeing him lying there. Dead.

Dean can’t stop bouncing. He just can’t. And he’s sweating. It’s so fucking hot in here. He hates it. He’s not sure what to do about it either because he thinks he should take off his suit jacket because it’s so hot and he’s probably going to start smelling soon. But, if he does that, won’t everyone think he’s rude for not wearing the jacket?

Fuck.

He really _cannot_ stop moving. People keep giving him dirty looks too. He’s started to cause a scene.

Shit.

He should probably get out of here, but he doesn’t want to. He owes it to himself to stick this out. And…and maybe he owes it to his dad too. He was his dad after all.

Motherfucking bullshit.

That’s what that thought is. Dean’s dad. What a fucking joke! A _dad_ isn’t supposed strike fear into the heart of his child. A _dad_ isn’t supposed to pummel his child with his fists and his words every chance he gets. A _dad_ is supposed to be supportive and loving and—at the bare minimum—nice.

Hell.

That’s where Dean lived until he fucked off to William and Mary.

Shit.

This is becoming too much. Dean should’ve brought gum or something to distract him.

Damn.

He really is sweating a lot.

 _Fuck_.

The service lasts for _hours_ and there are people who actually stand up in front of everyone to say stuff. Dean has no idea how they actually have nice stories to tell about his dad. Dean’s starting to think that his dad must’ve gotten a complete personality change in the past three years until he sees _her_.

His mom steps up onto the stage. She’s crying and talking about how they got divorced but John Winchester was the love of her life.

That’s bullshit. You do not just leave the love of your life and abandon your six-year-old while you’re at it. That’s not what people do. From what Dean could gather, his dad was probably abusive to his mom, so Dean cannot for the life of him, understand why his mom would refer to his dad as the love of her life. Maybe some people would, but probably not someone who took one of the kids and fled their marriage. Honestly, Dean understands why his mom left. What he doesn’t understand is why she didn’t take him with her.

Dean shakes his head and tries to concentrate as someone tells a story about how kind John Winchester was.

Dean’s starting to think his dad came into some money before he died.

This theory is confirmed when the funeral director announces that Dean’s dad requested that they read the will in front of everyone at the funeral. There are a lot of small gifts given to people. Then the funeral director says, “And to my eldest son, Dean,”

The hair on the back of Dean’s neck stands up. These are the last words he will ever hear from his dad.

The funeral director coughs and says, “Um, excuse me. To my eldest son, Dean, who I have personally invited to my funeral, I give, um, I give nothing because he is a uh, um, a pathetic coward who deserves nothing.”

Dean feels like he’s underwater. Did he really just…did his dad really request that Dean come to this funeral just so he could kick him in the gut one more time?

Dean can feel Cas grab his hand. Cas’s touch is gentle.

Dean really hopes Cas isn’t trying to say anything to him because he can’t hear over the roaring that’s happening in his brain right now.

His dad really did that.

 _That_ is the last thing he will ever hear from his dad. _That_.

Dean can’t help it. He just…he just starts laughing. Because this is so horrible that it’s actually looped around and turned into funny. Dean can’t feel his face, but it’s _hilarious_ that his dad decided to waste his time and tell him that he is—what did he say again—oh yes: a pathetic coward who deserves nothing. That is really fucking funny.

Dean can feel Cas pulling him to his feet. There are people staring. Dean’s laughing loudly.

“You gotta admit, it’s funny.” Dean yells. “So, fucking funny!”

Cas wraps an arm around Dean and leads him out of the room. They go through room after room after room until they’re out of the funeral home. The cold air hits Dean like ice to the face. It surprises him and brings tears to his eyes. Dean’s legs can’t support him anymore and he falls.

Cas catches him and gently lowers him to the ground. “Dean? Dean, breathe.” Cas says. He’s rubbing Dean’s back with one hand and his other hand is spread across Dean’s chest, steadying him. “Dean? Say something? Please?”

“I want to,” Dean gasps for breath. “I want to talk to my—to my mom.”

“Okay, we’ll make that happen. Just…just give yourself a moment. Can you do that for me? Please?” Cas is crouched in front of Dean. “Give yourself a break—even just a short one. Please?”

Dean looks at Cas. He falls forward and Cas catches him. Dean wraps his arms around Cas and hugs him tightly. Cas hugs Dean back. Dean just needs a moment. Just a moment.

“Dean Winchester!” A voice behind him yells.

Dean freezes. Then he jerks away from Cas to see his mom staring down at him.

“Mom?” Dean wipes his face with his sleeve, trying to get rid of any evidence of tears.

“What the hell was that about?” Mom asks. “The man is dead. Show some respect.”

Dean feels…actually…he doesn’t know what he feels. He just…he just wants to sleep.

Then Cas is standing between Dean and his mom. “Do you know what that man did to him?” Cas growls. “Were you even listening to the last words he chose to tell him?”

“Who are you anyway? His guard-dog?” Mom mocks. “Stand back. I want to talk to my son.”

“Your son?” Dean whispers. His voice shakes with anger. “Did you seriously just call me that?”

“Yes. Because that’s what you are. My son.”

Dean wants to scream. He sees red. “Your son who you abandoned. I was six years old. It was the day after Christmas, and I woke up and you were _gone_.”

“I didn’t have a choice. Your father was cruel to me.”

Dean feels a twinge of guilt, but that quickly gets squashed down by his anger.

“How do you think he treated _me?_ ” Dean yells. “You left me with him! I was just a kid and you left me with him! How the hell is that fair?”

“You’re not a child, Dean. Life isn’t fair.” Mom scolds.

“I never got to be a child!” Dean’s having trouble getting the words out and there are tears gathering in his eyes. “I had to take care of myself! I had to avoid him at all costs otherwise I had to come up with an excuse to tell my teachers where the new bruises came from! I was really good at it too because nobody ever called child protective services! No one noticed! And it never would’ve happened at all if he weren’t such a piece of shit or if you had taken me with you! I didn’t want you to be stuck with him! I just wanted you to not leave me! You should have saved me too!”

“Well, you’ve clearly found a good friend. If things had been different, you probably wouldn’t have met him.” Mom says in a cold voice.

“I would’ve preferred to not have met him at all if it meant he could avoid suffering at his father’s hands.” Cas says in a quiet voice.

“Please, I bet you like that he’s broken.” Mom says.

Dean feels like he has been hit.

Cas steps in front of Dean as if he could shield him from his mom’s words and says, “I love Dean for _everything_ that he is. He is not broken. He is strong and good and kind. And yes, he is angry, yes, he had an outburst at a funeral where his own father chose to embarrass him with postmortem cruelty. This is only one piece of the man your son has become in your absence. You’re only getting a fractured image of who he is. He’s,” Cas looks back at Dean. “He’s beautiful. And funny. And intelligent. And insightful. And he’s kind. And he always tries to help people.” Cas looks at Mom again. “And a truly remarkable human that I am blessed to call my beloved. And he is one of the best friends I have ever had on top of all those other things. You cannot look at him today—on one of his worst days—and claim you know everything there is to know about Dean Winchester. You have merely scratched the surface. He did not find strength because of your choices, he found strength _despite_ them. He learned how to let people in and share his love with the world _despite_ the cruelty he faced at the hands of you and his father. Do not presume that you did him any favors when you abandoned him.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say. He just stares at Cas and feels grateful to have him in his life. Cas really does love him so much. That’s good…Dean loves him too. So, fucking much.

Mom doesn’t say anything.

Then a tall kid with shaggy brown hair walks over. “Mom? Are you okay?” the kid asks.

Is that…?

“I’m okay, Sammy.” Mom says.

Dean’s heart drops.

“Sammy?” Dean whispers.

“Yeah,” Sammy smiles. “It’s a family nickname. Who are you?”

Dean feels like he has been punched.

“I’m—I’m Dean.” Dean chokes out.

“Dean?” Sammy blinks. “So, you’re—you’re my older brother?”

Dean nods.

“I want us to be a family.” Mom says.

“Ma’am, I’m not sure this is the time to push that.” Cas says.

“Shut up. You’re not involved.” Mom says.

“Leave him alone.” Dean says. “If it involves me, it involves Cas.”

Mom rolls her eyes. “That’s a sin, you know.”

Sammy clears his throat, “Mom,”

“Love is not a sin.” Cas snaps.

Dean steps in front of Cas. “Leave him alone. Why are you two even here? You _left_. What was that bullshit about him being the love of your life? Hoping you were included in the will?” Dean asks.

“Why are you here if you hate him so much?” Mom asks.

“I wanted to see you and Sam. That was apparently a mistake.” Dean clenches his fists.

“Wait! I was…I was glad to meet you, finally.” Sammy says. “Can we…can we exchange numbers?”

“Sure,” Dean puts his hand out. Sammy hands him his phone. Dean types his number in and sends himself a text. “Got it.” Dean hands Sammy his phone back.

“Thanks, Dean.” Sammy smiles.

Dean points at Sammy. “You keep in touch.” Dean points at Mom. “You can stay the hell away from me.”

“Hate me all you want, I’m the only mother you will ever have.” Mary says.

“I have a mom.” Dean says. “She lives in Williamsburg.”

With that, Dean grabs Cas’s hand and leads the way to the car. Cas has the keys, so he drives, and Dean sits in the shotgun seat.

Dean’s heart is racing. He cannot believe that just happened. Was that closure? Or did he just open up a whole new can of worms by exchanging numbers with Sammy?

Honestly, who gives a shit though? Not Dean. Dean has run out of his daily allotment of shits to give. They are all gone.

Dean turns on the radio and “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by R.E.M. plays.

Dean laughs.

Dean looks at the clock. It’s only 11AM. “We should do something fun.” Dean tells Cas.

“What did you have in mind?” Cas asks.

“I want to find some pie.” Dean replies.

Cas chuckles. “Okay, Dean. Let’s find you some pie.”

Dean grins as Cas drives them away from the funeral home.

_“This means no fear, cavalier, renegade and steering clear_   
_A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies_   
_Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline,_

_It's the end of the world as we know it…”_


	25. Any Way The Wind Blows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, thoughts on the possibility of being disowned, mentions of abusive parents

March 18

_Castiel_

Dean is a little _too_ okay for someone who just left his father’s funeral after a shouting match with his mother. Dean has been nothing but smiles ever since he heard “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by R.E.M while they were driving away from the funeral home. This situation strikes Castiel as odd, not because he wants Dean to suffer, but rather because it seems that perhaps Dean just wants to feel good right now and is trying to force himself to act like he is okay. Castiel doesn’t want to push Dean on the subject, so he waits.

Castiel waits while Dean carries their bags out of the hotel room and packs up the car.

Castiel waits while Dean asks Castiel to drive because he wants to take in the scenery this time. Castiel glances at Dean from time to time as he drives, and every time, Castiel sees a small smile on Dean’s face as he gazes out the window looking perfectly serene.

Castiel waits while Dean picks out a cute restaurant for them to eat lunch.

Castiel waits while Dean orders slices of two different kinds of pie and a burger and fries for himself for lunch.

Castiel waits while Dean announces that Castiel will not be paying for this meal because Dean’s treating this time because “now that the funeral business is over, this can count as a date.” And Castiel is weak and he _wants_ to go on cute dates with Dean. And this restaurant is cute and so is Dean, so Castiel goes along with the fun date at the cute restaurant idea. But in the back of his mind, Castiel cannot help but think about how they had only changed out of their funeral clothes an hour ago. They’re still in Kansas. Surely, Dean wishes for more time to process everything that has happened?

Also, Charlie and Benny keep sending Castiel texts asking how Dean’s doing. And Castiel does his best to answer them, but he really isn’t sure how to answer them right now.

Charlie also asks about how Castiel’s doing with the situation with his father—Castiel told Charlie pieces of the unfortunate realities of his homelife during their weekly dinners—and Castiel doesn’t know what to tell Charlie or Meg or Crowley when they send texts to check on Castiel because his father has gone silent. Which is confusing. Castiel’s phone has not been abruptly turned off, so that means he hasn’t cut Castiel off yet, but something terrible _must_ be coming for Castiel…right? He rebelled. He’s going to be punished for it. Displaying free will is always, _always_ a punishable offense in the eyes of his father.

“You okay?” Dean asks through a mouthful of burger.

The mouth-full-of-burger look is not Dean’s most attractive look, but Dean’s concern warms Castiel all the same. And despite the gross food-habit, Dean is still beautiful. And Castiel’s mind shoots towards the future and how years from now, should Dean ask Castiel if he still thinks he’s beautiful, Castiel will tell him that, he is because growing old does not make someone un-beautiful and even if it did, Dean would still be beautiful for the simple fact that he is Dean Winchester, therefore he is beautiful.

“Cas?” Dean asks.

“I’m okay.” Castiel lies.

Well, is it really a lie if it’s only a half-lie?

Dean frowns and takes a thoughtful bite of his burger.

Yes. The answer is yes. It is still a lie if it’s only a half-lie.

And Castiel feels ashamed. Because he hates lying and he’s not that good at it anyway.

“Are you okay?” Castiel asks.

“Surprisingly, yeah. I really am. I feel like a weight has been lifted. The funeral is over, I don’t have to wonder about my mom anymore—I have my answers about her now—and I might get to have a little brother after-all. And…my feelings about my dad are always going to be complicated and riddled in guilt and doubt and pain, so that’s not really anything new, so I’m,” Dean sighs, “I guess I’m just really glad that the funeral is over, and all that gladness has overflowed inside of me and turned into happiness. I feel _good_ , Cas. And I don’t think it will last, so I’m just trying to enjoy it before I crash; you know?”

Unfortunately, Castiel is quite familiar with this feeling.

Castiel nods. “I think so.”

Dean smiles. Then he frowns again and asks, “Are you really okay?”

Castiel sighs. “I don’t want to ruin your good time.”

Dean reaches across the table and takes Castiel’s hand in his. “Cas, you’re not gonna ruin my good time by confiding in me should you choose to do so.”

Castiel feels warmed by Dean’s choice of words and their meaning.

“I keep thinking about my own father.” Castiel admits. “I don’t really want to talk about it at the moment; I want to live in the now and feel good with you instead…at least for a little bit.”

“Well, tell me if you change your mind?” Dean asks.

“Only if you promise to do the same.”

Dean puts his free hand out. “Deal?”

Castiel shakes it with his free hand. “Deal.”

They don’t let go after the handshake is over. They just hold each other’s hands for a bit…not saying anything. Just holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes. It’s strange. It’s nice. It makes Castiel’s heart race. It’s _good_.

They spend the rest of the day driving with the windows down and the music loud. They play their favorite songs on Spotify and scream the lyrics together.

Then “Simple Song” by The Shins comes on and it feels like time stops. Dean really puts his heart into singing this song and holy _fuck_. Dean. Can. Sing.

Castiel glances at Dean and sees that Dean is looking right at him as he sings.

_“You sure must be strong  
And you feel like an ocean  
Being warmed by the sun,”_

Castiel feels his heart skip a beat. This song is already so soft…so special. And now Dean is singing it at Castiel.

_“I know that things can really get rough when you go it alone  
Don’t go thinking you gotta be tough, to play like a stone,”_

This song reminds Castiel of the feeling of watching a sunset, but now Castiel can’t imagine listening to it without thinking of Dean. Without thinking about that small smile that has hardly left Dean’s face all afternoon and all evening. Without thinking of the way Dean is singing this song to him right now. Without thinking of the way that the lyrics are blowing Castiel’s mind in the context of loving Dean.

_“Love's such a delicate thing that we do, we've nothing to prove  
Which I never knew,”_

Castiel cannot recall another time in his life when he has felt he has nothing to prove. Dean does nothing to pressure Castiel into proving his love for him. Dean just…allows Castiel to exist as he so chooses. And it makes loving Dean so easy.

Castiel really loves Dean Winchester. He really loves the light in those eyes of his that are the most confusing shade of green Castiel has ever seen. He really loves the way that Dean held his hands today and the way he was willing to put aside his time of relief and relaxation just to make sure that Castiel was okay; Dean is just so selfless. Castiel loves how strong Dean was today in the face of his heartbreak. Castiel loves that Dean allowed him to be here to try to help.

And Castiel really loves the way Dean sings the last bit of the song to the point where Castiel really cannot be held accountable for his actions at the moment. He takes one hand off the wheel and reaches out for Dean, hoping that Dean will understand that Castiel just really, _really_ wants to hold his hand right now. And the road’s not busy, so it’s safe enough.

Dean lets out a happy-sounding hum and takes Castiel’s hand. Dean brings Castiel’s hand up to his mouth and presses a gentle kiss on his knuckles.

Castiel nearly swerves off the road.

Dean laughs.

“It’s a good thing no one is around.” Castiel says with a breathy laugh.

“Yeah, good thing,” Dean continues to laugh as he laces their fingers.

They hold hands in the car on this lonely road as the sun sets and it is the best Castiel has felt in days.

…

**Dean**

It’s 7:34PM on March 18th and Dean’s sitting in the passenger-seat having a bit of a sing-along with Cas. Dean believes this is justified for several reasons but the main two are that it’s a road-trip and this is Cas that he’s with and Cas means safety which means that singing is okay. The other time singing is okay is karaoke nights with Charlie and Jo because Charlie is Dean’s best friend and Jo is Dean’s little sister.

“What song should I put on next, Cas?” Dean asks.

Cas puts his hand back on the wheel and grins. “Do you want to hear “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen? You mentioned that you like that one.”

There’s a glimmer of…well… _something_ in Cas’s eyes and Dean does _not_ know what to make of _that_ , but he puts the song on.

Cas launches into the song. He tries to do different voices throughout the song. His tone is off, but holy _shit_ , he knows all of the words. Every single one of the words. Dean stops singing along just to watch Cas. He feels like he’s witnessing a minor miracle…or a curse. Cas sings the song like a man possessed by the spirit of Freddie Mercury and all the rest of the members of Queen, and Dean cannot look away from his boyfriend—not even for a second.

When the song’s over, Cas glances at Dean and grins at him. “Like it?” Cas asks. “I can do two more Queen songs if you want.”

“Wait. What?”

“I learned them. To impress you.” Cas looks at Dean and has the audacity to wink at Dean. “Did it work?”

Dean laughs. He doesn’t mean to, but he just loves this little shit beside him with his whole heart and he cannot keep his feelings contained right now.

“What are the songs, Cas?” Dean asks trying to sound like a normal person asking a normal question. His hands are sweating and suddenly it feels very hot in here.

“I know all of “Don’t Stop Me Now” and “You’re My Best Friend” and I know most of “Bicycle” but not all of it.” Cas replies.

Dean blinks, suddenly hit by a nearly overwhelming need to kiss his boyfriend right _now_.

“Pull over.” Dean says.

If Cas was distracted by a kiss on his hand, he’s definitely not going to want Dean to kiss him in any capacity while he’s driving.

“What?” Cas asks.

“Pull over.” Dean repeats.

Dean stares at Cas as Cas pulls over. The road is quiet. There’s a field next to them and they haven’t seen any other cars in a while.

Dean turns the light on in the car and turns to Cas who looks at him and tilts his head to the side. “What?” Cas asks.

Dean shakes his head and can’t help but laugh again. Dean loves Cas so much. Just…just so much.

“I love you,” Dean says. “I love you so much.” He puts his hands on Cas’s shoulders and pulls him closer. Their faces are so close…maybe three inches away—if that. “I love you so friggin’ much, Cas.” Dean kisses Cas.

“I should learn more Queen.” Cas says before kissing Dean back. “If this is how you’re going to react.” Cas gently takes Dean’s face in his hands and kisses Dean again. “I love you too by the way.” Cas kisses Dean again. “But I imagine my feelings for you are completely transparent at this point.”

Dean laughs.

Dean really, _really_ loves Castiel Novak. Dean really, _really_ loves Cas. His Cas. This devastatingly handsome, kind, heartbreakingly earnest, goofy guy who doesn’t shy away from showing Dean that he cares. Cas is one of the best people—if not _the_ best person—Dean has ever met. And Dean knows a lot of good people. And Dean is _so lucky_ that he gets to be in love with Cas and he’s even luckier that Cas loves him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update Saturday. Thanks for reading!!:D


	26. Saturdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: foul language, feelings of doubt, thoughts on being disowned, child abuse

**Dean**

It’s technically Saturday, March 20th and Dean and Cas got back to Williamsburg a few hours ago. It’s 12:13AM and Dean is feeling restless. It was nice having dinner with Cas and Bobby and Ellen and Jo. Dean hadn’t seen Jo since January, so he was happy to see her, but now Dean can’t turn his brain off.

He and Cas parted ways after dinner. They parked Cas’s car on campus and held hands as they walked back to their dorms together. They have a big day planned for tomorrow (or is it later today?). They’re going to hang out with all their friends and go bowling and have a full-on movie day.

Now Dean is tired, and he wants to go to bed, but he can’t.

He tries to find something to read but nothing interests him. He keeps going through first-sentences and immediately putting the book down. He goes through several books he enjoyed reading for school. He uses the Libby App to try to find something to read; no luck there either.

Dean tosses his phone onto his bed and then flops down beside it.

This is shit. He can’t sleep. He tried an hour ago to no avail. He can’t read. He hasn’t even bothered trying to write. He tries to watch something; Dean pays for the Spotify and Hulu student bundle because it’s cheap. He tries three different movies and five tv shows. Nothing. He just can’t concentrate.

He can’t stop thinking about the moment when Cas asked if Dean wanted him to stay with him tonight or if he wanted space. Dean was trying to give _Cas_ a break from him after everything that happened, so he said he wanted space which really wasn’t true because now _Dean_ _can’t sleep_. He hasn’t even had the privilege of sleeping in the same bed as Cas for very long and already it feels impossible to sleep without him. Maybe it’s not the fact of sleeping without him that’s the problem. Maybe it’s the guilt of lying and saying he didn’t want him here.

Who the hell knows? _Dean_ sure doesn’t. He grabs his pillow and hugs it.

All Dean knows is that he aches for Cas. Dean thinks about the first season of the show _The Witcher_ and Joey Batey singing as the character, Jaskier, “I am weak my love and I am wanting.” That is Dean right now. Dean is weak. Dean is wanting.

Dean doesn’t want to feel these things right now. He wants to act like a human being who can function on his own.

But the thought of sleeping alone tonight makes him _ache_. He feels so cold. He wants Cas.

Dean groans.

Dean feels ridiculous even thinking such things.

Dean feels even more ridiculous for grabbing his phone and sending a pathetic message to Cas.

Dean: I lied. I wanted you to stay but I said that I wanted space because I was trying to give you space. I’m sorry for not telling you that sooner.

And it has been ten minutes and Cas hasn’t replied.

Dean’s trying not to panic. Cas could have not responded for any number of reasons. He might not have seen the message. He might want to respond in the morning. He might have seen the message, opened it, read it, started to reply but then had to go to the bathroom and left to do that but then _forgot_ about the message. He might have gone to sleep already.

But of course, this being Dean, he eventually stumbles into the more negative line of thinking. It just makes more sense to be negative sometimes because _of course_ Cas hasn’t replied. It was a stupid message to send. He probably read it, scoffed, and went to bed. Or he read it and really _did_ need that break from Dean and went to sleep.

Dean doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Cas needing a break. He just wishes Cas would tell him. Why would he offer to stay if he was actually tired of him already?

Now Dean’s pacing around his room trying to figure out how to sleep without the gentle touch of his boyfriend. Dean shakes his head. He really _is_ pathetic.

As if on cue, someone knocks on Dean’s door.

Dean refuses to get excited about it as he goes to open it.

There’s no way Dean is this lucky.

No way.

No way that Cas could be here right now.

Dean opens the door.

It’s Cas.

“Sorry for not replying. I came as soon as I could.” Cas holds up a bag. “I was packing an overnight bag.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say. He just opens the door wider to let Cas in. He wants to hug Cas, but he decides to keep his hands to himself.

Cas smiles at Dean and says, “I’m glad you invited me over.” Then he walks through the door.

“Thank you for coming.” Dean says.

“Honestly? The prospect of sleeping alone wasn’t one I was particularly excited for.” Cas says. “I have gotten spoiled to waking up next to you.” Cas boops Dean’s nose.

The second Cas’s finger touches the tip of Dean’s nose, Dean feels as if all his anxieties ease (or at least they calm the hell down for just a moment) and Dean smiles.

“I’ve become spoiled to sleeping with your arms around me. Good thing we don’t have to sleep alone tonight.” Dean replies.

“Love has made us strange.” Cas shrugs. “Oh well.”

Dean laughs and closes the door. “You’re such a dork.”

“I’m _your_ dork.” Cas winks at Dean.

Dean smiles at Cas, because yes he is. And he is so utterly grateful for him.

They get ready for bed and watch the show _This is Us_ on the tv Bobby and Ellen gave Dean for his birthday. Dean falls asleep with his head on Cas’s shoulder and his arms wrapped around Cas’s middle.

As he’s falling asleep, Dean feels Cas press a kiss into his hair and then Cas whispers, “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Night Cas,” Dean mumbles. “Love you.”

“I love you too, dear heart.”

…

**Dean**

Dean doesn’t spend every waking second with Cas, because that really _would_ be weird. They both like alone time after all. But Dean does spend his nights with Cas. It’s nice. The nights are now full of warmth and tenderness. They fall asleep talking about their days and kiss each other goodnight. It’s more than Dean ever allowed himself to imagine he would get with anyone. Not after so many almost’s and not-quite’s.

Of course, Dean is still Dean. And Cas is still Cas.

Cas can’t fix the nights when Dean is drowning in his fears and emptiness. Dean can’t fix the fact that Cas’s father is still an ass who calls his son to ridicule him almost every day. Dean still walks at night to clear his head. Cas still goes on runs at night to clear _his_ head.

But now at least they have the option of having some company while they try to fight their demons. They don’t always take it. Sometimes they do though. And sometimes, it’s just nice having the option. And at least, when it’s time for sleep, they each have someone to hold them.

Dean wouldn’t trade Cas for the world, and it seems that Cas feels the same way.

…

**Dean**

It’s Saturday, March 27th and Dean and Cas are getting ready to go bowling with their friends.

“Tomorrow will make it a month since our first date. Would it be okay if I give you a gift?” Cas asks. “I know that you have mixed feelings about being given things, but I would like to do something nice for you. I’m asking because it wouldn’t be doing something nice if it makes you uncomfortable. But, I would like to point out that you do nice things for me all the time. For example, you’re letting me borrow your clothes again.”

Instead of answering the question, Dean grins at Cas. “How do you know I’m doing that for you?” Dean winks at Cas. “You look good in my clothes.”

Cas looks down and smiles as his face turns a little red. “Perhaps this was a bad example.”

Dean looks at Cas who’s currently wearing Dean’s leather jacket, Dean’s Led Zeppelin t-shirt, Cas’s ripped up black jeans, and Cas’s bumblebee Converse. Dean likes this look a little too much.

“Then again,” Cas says. “I do think I was perhaps a little self-serving when I gave you some of my clothes to borrow as well.” Cas walks over to Dean and adjusts the jean jacket that Cas let Dean borrow.

Dean’s not sure why he likes seeing Cas in his clothes. He’s not sure why Cas likes seeing Dean in his clothes. Maybe it’s a protective thing? Or maybe it’s a this-person-loves-me-so-much-they-want-to-wear-my-clothes kind of a thing? Dean’s not sure. It’s the strangest thing to feel.

Dean wakes up on Sunday, March 28th to no Cas and a small box on his desk. There’s a note that says: “Open me while Cas is teaching his Dancing Badly class.”

Dean smiles at the note. Cas referred to himself as Cas; Dean’s heart just about melts from the cuteness of the ordeal.

Dean opens the box to find a pair of socks with quotes from Shakespeare plays and another pair of socks with Star Wars quotes on them. The tag says they’re from a store that makes custom socks. The gift feels very Cas and Dean loves it.

The next day, Dean buys Castiel a small dresser. He leaves it in his room along with a note and heads off to Tucker where he knows Cas is taking his Romanticism class. He gives Cas the key to the room, kisses him, and heads off to his shift at the library.

_Castiel_

Castiel carefully holds the note from Dean as he reads it.

_Dear Cas,_

_You warm my nights, and you have my heart. Thank you for taking care of it. Please take this dresser as an offering of my love. In case it was unclear, you are welcome here whenever you want. I would make a copy of the key, but I really don’t want to get fined by the school, so here is a dresser instead._

_I love you, dear heart._

_Yours,_

_Dean._

Castiel smiles so wide, his face hurts. He hugs the note to his chest.

…

April 3

_Castiel_

It’s Saturday which means that it’s bowling day with Meg and Crowley and Charlie and Benny and Dean. This has become a tradition ever since the day Charlie and Benny came back from Spring Break to check on Dean, and Meg and Crowley came back early from their Spring Break to check on Castiel. The six of them had a bowling and movie day. It was a fun day full of laughter and teasing. Now they go bowling every Saturday. (Meg and Crowley can only spend so long in the same room before they explode, which is why there is not an annual movie day. Castiel still doesn’t know why.)

Castiel is seated beside Dean. They’re on opposite teams, but they’re sitting beside each other and holding hands because there isn’t really a rule that says they can’t. Dean still gives Castiel a congratulatory kiss every time Castiel bowls a strike…which is often. Meg has said on numerous occasions that Castiel is notoriously good at bowling.

The teams are Dean, Charlie, and Benny AKA English and STEM against Meg, Crowley, and Castiel also known as Who The Fuck Knows?. Who The Fuck Knows? Is destroying English and STEM.

It’s English and STEM’s turn and Charlie just got a strike, so now she’s doing an elaborate victory-dance that she dedicated to Castiel and his Dancing Badly class. Castiel grins as he watches her. This is her second strike, so Castiel doesn’t think she’s gloating but merely making a joke about the class of his that she takes.

Castiel gets up and joins Charlie because honestly, why not?

Charlie laughs as Castiel copies her moves. They do elaborate bows at the end of the dance and hug before returning to their seats.

Between rounds, they get food. Castiel walks over to the bathroom to wash his hands before eating and someone puts their hand on his shoulder.

Castiel turns to see Meg smiling at him.

“You’ve got a good group back there.” Meg says, nodding her head in the direction of the others.

“Yeah,” Castiel smiles.

“Not gonna lie, I was worried about you because I won’t be here next year. I’m not worried now.”

“I was too.” Castiel admits.

Meg hugs Castiel. “No matter what happens, you’re gonna be okay.”

Castiel hugs Meg back. “I think so.”

“These people. They’ve got you. I’ve got you and they’ve got you. You have us.”

Castiel knows that she’s talking about the situation with his father which seems to be escalating. He was pointedly not invited to Easter dinner this year and has been receiving a series of angry text messages from his father every day. Castiel hasn’t told anyone the full details of his father’s anger. Finals are coming. Meg’s going to graduate soon. Everyone’s going to go home for the summer. Castiel doesn’t know where he’s going, but he doesn’t want to bother anyone with that. Not right now.

So, he decides to make a joke.

“Even Crowley?” Castiel asks.

Meg laughs. “Yeah, even that jackass.”

Castiel laughs. “You’re still my very best friend. I just have more friends now.”

“Puh-lease, Castiel. I know you could never replace me. Good luck trying.”

Castiel hugs Meg tighter. “I don’t want to.”

Meg hugs Castiel tighter too. “I’m glad you have them. So glad. You deserve more people to love you.”

“Thank you.”

Meg lets go of Castiel and says, “All right, I’ll let you go to the bathroom now.”

“That’s much appreciated.” Castiel replies.

Meg chuckles and rolls her eyes at Castiel. Then she walks away.

Castiel looks at his friends. They’re all his friends at this point: Meg, Charlie, Crowley, Benny. And Dean of course—they were friends before they were each other’s significant other. Castiel can’t help but think about the song “these are my friends” by lovelytheband.

_“These are my friends,  
These are my friends,  
I love them,  
I love them.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upcoming chapters:
> 
> Chapter 27 (1/31/2021)  
> Chapter 28 (2/1/2021)


	27. Take Me To Church (Part 1: Dean)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: child abuse, homophobia, foul language

**Dean**

It’s Sunday, April 4th and Dean and Cas have plans for Easter. Dean doesn’t celebrate Easter, but Cas does and it’s the first year he hasn’t been invited to his family’s Easter dinner, so Dean’s going to take Cas out to Easter breakfast. He worked extra hours at the library this week to make sure he has enough money to take Cas to somewhere at least moderately nice.

Maybe they’ll go to one of those pancake houses. There are at least three of them on Richmond Road alone. Dean has been to all of them. Last summer, Bobby and Ellen took Dean and Jo to a pancake house every Sunday until they tried them all. Nobody could agree on which one was the best one, so they went back multiple times. This was especially fun because it was Jo’s last summer before she was off to her freshman year of college, so this was a last hurrah for her. It was nice to see Jo relatively carefree. She’s a worrier like Dean. She even worries about _Dean_ sometimes and has spent the past three years making sure that Dean knows that she and her parents love him. Dean loves her for it. College has allowed Dean to gain two really wonderful siblings: first Charlie, then Jo.

Now, Dean might get to add a new sibling to the list. It’s sad because Sammy should technically be the original sibling, but the kid isn’t. They send each other texts on occasion and it’s fun getting to know Sam (who decided that Dean can call him Sammy after all because he is technically family since he’s his older brother and Sammy appreciates that Dean wants to get to know him). The kid is so smart. He’s going to be applying to Stanford in the fall. Dean hopes he gets in. Sammy seems so keen on that specific school and not really any other school. He said he would apply to others of course, but Stanford seems to be the dream. Sammy wants to go there for undergrad and then go to the law school.

Dean smiles to himself as he dresses up in his nicest jeans and the bumblebee hoody Cas let him borrow.

Dean waits in the room, wondering where Cas is. He had assumed that Cas had woken up before Dean and was taking a shower, but now he’s not sure. There’s no note, but Cas and his phone are gone. Dean waits for half an hour before deciding to investigate. Dean sends Cas a text and isn’t given a reply for twenty minutes, so he decides to see if Cas is at his dorm. He walks to Cas’s dorm, swipes in with his student ID, walks up the three flights of stairs, and knocks on the door. He is greeted by Crowley who wears a somber expression.

“Ah, Squirrel. Come in.” Crowley opens the door wider so Dean can walk into the room.

Dean rolls his eyes at the nickname and walks in only to stop short when he finds Cas rummaging through his things. He’s moving frantically and throwing things around. Clothes are flung all over the floor and Cas is wearing his tan trench-coat.

Dean’s heart drops. Something happened. He just doesn’t know _what_.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says.

Cas whirls around and his face turns the same shade of red as a ripe cherry tomato. “Dean?” Cas’s voice cracks. “ _Fuck._ I knew there was something I forgot.”

“Cas? Are you okay?” Dean asks even though he knows the answer.

Cas looks at Dean. He just _stares_ at him for the longest time and he looks…he looks _so_ utterly broken. Dean has never seen this look on Cas’s face before. It _hurts_ to see Cas look so…so heartbroken. And scared. Dean's not sure why Cas is scared, but he has never seen him look this scared before either.

“No,” Cas shakes his head. “I’m not okay.” He sniffles. “My father is coming. He called an hour ago and I’ve been trying to get ready since he called. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to wake you and I…I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I ran over here as soon as he called and,” Cas’s voice breaks, and he puts a fisted hand in front of his mouth.

Dean wishes he could go with Cas just so he could punch Cas’s father in the jaw—the source of all those hateful things he says to Cas—but Dean knows that he can’t do that. It would only make things worse for Cas.

Dean takes a step towards Cas.

Cas shakes his head. He takes a deep breath. “I can’t break. Not right now. I don’t know what this is going to be about. I need to,” Cas’s voice breaks. “I need to be,” Cas shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I really need to get ready. I just can’t find my stupid tie. Father will be angry if I don’t have it.” Tears stream down his face. “I’m really sorry I have to cancel our date for today. I was looking forward to it. I thought it was sweet that you wanted to cheer me up today.”

“I can help you look for it if you want. It’s okay that you can’t go on our date today. We could go tomorrow or Friday or something. I don’t mind waiting.”

Cas’s face crumbles and he chokes out, “Dean.” Cas takes a step towards Dean and pulls Dean into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Dean hugs Cas back. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 _“Dean,”_ Cas tries to say something, but his words are lost in sobs.

“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna get through this. And then afterwards, you can come see me if you want. We can just go to sleep. I have a feeling you’re in for an exhausting day.”

Cas hugs Dean tighter.

Dean runs a hand through Cas’s hair. “It’s gonna be okay, Cas. I promise.”

After a few minutes, Crowley clears his throat.

Cas jumps and pulls away from Dean.

Dean tries to ignore the sharp pain in his chest.

Crowley holds up a blue tie and says, “Found it.”

“Thank you,” Cas wipes his face on his sleeve and takes the tie from Crowley. Cas’s hands shake as he tries to tie it. He keeps messing it up.

Dean has never wished he knew how to properly tie a tie more than he does right now. He looks at Crowley who nods and walks over to Cas.

“Would you like help?” Crowley asks.

Cas won’t look at Crowley, but he nods.

Crowley fixes Cas’s tie.

Cas looks at it and says, “Thank you. Thank you, Crowley. I appreciate your help.”

“Squirrel probably would’ve thrown me out the window if I didn’t. You should’ve seen the look he gave me when I didn’t help you the last time your dad was in town.” Crowley shrugs.

The tiniest smile lights Cas’s face for just a moment. Then it disappears.

Cas finishes getting dressed and Dean watches as Cas puts on bumblebee socks. The action should be endearing but it breaks Dean’s heart a little because he knows what bumblebees mean to Cas.

Cas catches Dean watching him and says, “I really didn’t want this for today.”

“I know.” Dean walks over and presses a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “But it’s okay. You’re gonna get through this.”

Cas nods.

Dean puts his hand on Cas’s chest, right over his heart, and says, “This is yours. He can’t have it. Even if he tries to rip it apart, it’s _yours_. And it works. And it’s full of goodness and humor and a love for bees and literature and English and Anthropology and cats and dancing. And he can’t take that away from you.”

Dean’s afraid of what Cas might do after he meets with his dad.

Cas’s bottom lip quivers and he nods at Dean. “Thanks,” Cas whispers.

“You’re gonna get through this,” Dean says. “Okay?”

Cas nods. “Okay.”

Dean isn’t sure what to do with his hands.

Cas hugs Dean one more time.

Dean hugs him back. “I love you. You are so loved, Cas. Not just by me. By all your friends too.”

“Thank you.” Cas’s voice breaks. “I love you too.”

And then Dean does the hardest thing of all. He pulls away and leaves the room. He goes straight to his own dorm and listens to “Take Me To Church” by Hozier. He cries when he thinks about why Cas didn’t want to listen to the song during their first date.

_"We were born sick", you heard them say it._

Cas wasn’t born sick. Neither was Dean. Or Charlie. Or Benny. Or Garth. Or anyone else who’s a part of the LGBTQ+ community. There’s nothing wrong with them and _fuck_ anyone who thinks there is.

_"The only Heaven I'll be sent to_   
_Is when I'm alone with you"_

Dean cries himself to sleep.


	28. Take Me To Church (Part 2: Castiel)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Abuse: physical and emotional, homophobia, foul language

April 4

_Castiel_

_“That's a fine-looking high horse  
What you got in the stable?”_

Castiel walks into the restaurant with Father after church. He’s still unsure as to why Father wished to visit him for Easter. Why not bring any of his siblings? Why not explain why he’s here? Well, expecting an explanation from Father is unrealistic. But still. It is rather odd that he’s here. Usually when he does something like this and it is meant to be a punishment, Father does explain his reasoning. Why is this time different?

Of course, it all comes out when Castiel makes a mistake at lunch.

He orders soup and soup is…well…soup is _hot_. Castiel apparently forgot that soup is hot because as soon as his soup arrives, he takes a sip and ends up burning his whole mouth.

And as a result, it just sort of…it just sort of slips out.

“Fuck,” Castiel mutters, spitting the soup back into the bowl.

Castiel doesn’t even know if it was delicious because his whole mouth _hurts_.

Then Father clears his throat and Castiel feels nauseated.

Oh.

Oh _fuck_.

For just a moment, in the midst of his burning mouth, Castiel had forgotten his father was here.

This is…

Castiel tries to think of the words to describe his situation, but his brain can come up with only one phrase.

This is….

Oh fuck, this is _bad_.

Castiel’s ears ring. He sees white, the world tilts for a second, and Castiel is almost certain that he’s going to pass out. Castiel blinks hard three times and he can see properly again.

It’s now that Castiel realizes that his father is in the middle of a speech. He’s yelling at him. Castiel’s ears are ringing so loudly he’s not quite sure what his father is saying…it’s probably for the best that Castiel doesn’t know what his father is saying. Castiel really doesn’t feel like hearing his father spout more cruelty at him. He had his fill yesterday after he missed his father’s call while bowling with Dean and their newly combined friend-group. And this morning when Father informed Castiel that he will be in Williamsburg for church. And an hour ago when Father noticed that Castiel showed up to church in wrinkled clothing.

Castiel’s hearing comes back.

“You are a disgrace. This is beyond rudeness to come here, not say a word without being prompted and then the first time you speak on your own accord it is to curse.” Father says.

Castiel blinks. Is this really what’s important right now? This? Not the incident where Castiel yelled at Father and then fled the estate? Father has clearly been angry with Castiel over that for the past few weeks, but he hasn’t actually _said_ anything to Castiel about Spring Break…just everything else Castiel has ever done to win his father’s disapproval.

“You are truly my biggest mistake. I never should have taken you in.” Father continues.

What?

 _This_ again?

Seriously?

Right now?

Over saying “fuck” _by accident?_

Castiel sees red. He _hates_ it when his father brings up his adoption. Adoptive parents are not meant to behave this way. Father acts as if he did Castiel a great favor by adopting him and then proceeding to stomp all over his heart for seventeen years.

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have.” Castiel says it without thinking.

Truly. He had not intended to say it.

But.

But he doesn’t _regret_ saying it.

And once he starts talking, he finds it…difficult to stop.

“I don’t understand why you _chose_ to adopt so many of us only to mistreat us the whole time.” Castiel says. “I truly cannot fathom why you would do that.”

Father glares at Castiel and asks, “Is that so?”

“If I were to—no— _when_ I adopt children—one day in the far away future, I—I would treat them with _love_ and teach them how to be _kind to one another_. I thought one of the major decrees in the Bible was to be kind to others—to treat people the way you want to be treated. Why would you take us in only to mistreat us? Surely you would not wish for such cruel treatment for yourself, so why would you do that to us? I just…I don’t _understand_ ,” Castiel’s voice breaks as he tries to speak past the lump forming in his throat.

“You are a child. You are questioning things that you are not meant to understand. Moreover, you are in no position to judge me, Castiel, when you are living in sin.”

Castiel blinks.

Father knows.

Fuck.

 _How_ does he know?

How long has he known?

“You are spending all your time with a man. You share a bed. You do unholy things with him.” Father says. He continues talking, but Castiel feels as though he is underwater.

Castiel looks up at his father who is staring down at him, telling him all the reasons why what Dean and Castiel share is wrong. He’s telling Castiel about his investigation into Dean Winchester and how he knows all about Dean’s past. Father proceeds to describe the reasons why he believes Dean Winchester is trash.

Dean is _not_ trash. He is kind and funny and sweet and generally fun to be around and…and he’s good…so good. He just wants to make the world a better place. And he loves Castiel. And Castiel is in love with him.

Castiel finds himself thinking about the opening to Hozier’s song, “Take Me to Church.”

_“My lover's got humor  
She's the giggle at a funeral  
Knows everybody's disapproval  
I should've worshiped her sooner.”_

“I love him,” Castiel says.

Father hits him. Hard. With enough force to knock Castiel off his chair.

Castiel cries out as a sharp pain flashes all over his cheek and his side where he landed when he fell.

“You disgust me.” Father growls as he stands over Castiel.

Well that just fucking does it.

Castiel feels a rush of adrenaline and he jumps to his feet. “I could say the same to you. You _enjoy_ tormenting us, Father. Gabriel and me especially. Well, no more. You do _not_ get to control my life any longer.” Castiel begins to raise his voice with every word. “You don’t get to decide what I study or who I spend my time with or who I love and cherish with all my heart. It’s not _you_ who gets to decide that. _I_ do. This is _my_ life. _Not_ yours.”

“I _do_ get to decide those things. Afterall, I’m the one paying for your education.” Father says, taking a step closer to Castiel.

Castiel takes a step closer to his father and for the first time in his life, he gets in his father’s face and says, “I. Don’t. Need. You.” He says the words slowly in the angriest, softest voice he can muster.

His father just stares at him. There’s something akin to shock or perhaps even a little fear in his father’s eyes. Good.

Castiel feels as though a spell has broken. His father no longer looks like the terrifying, foreboding figure Castiel usually sees. Now he just…he just looks like a man. An unkind man who torments children. And the sight of him fills Castiel with revulsion. Castiel cannot stand to be in his presence any longer. So, he turns and walks out of the restaurant.

His head feels ready to explode as he walks down the sidewalk. His heart is beating ten miles a minute and he can hear someone sobbing.

With a jolt, Castiel realizes that _he’s_ the one who’s crying. He hugs himself and keeps walking. He’s a mile off campus and he pulls his phone out to call someone—he’s not even sure who to call: Meg or Dean? But his phone won’t make calls. Great. His father must have already turned off Castiel’s phone.

Fuck.

Castiel walks until he gets to the Bryan Complex. He stops. He could go to see Dean. Or he could go to his dorm and be alone. He doesn’t know what he wants. All he knows is that he feels _bad_.

He goes to his dorm and crawls into bed.

…

**Dean**

It’s 2:31PM on Sunday, April 4th, when Dean hears urgent knocking at his door followed by Crowley yelling, “Squirrel! Open up!”

Dean opens the door to see Crowley. Dean opens his mouth to ask why he’s here, but he’s cut off by Crowley who begins to speak very quickly.

“Castiel has been crying in our room for over an hour. I tried to help, but he won’t tell me anything except that his lunch with his father was horrible and that his father turned his phone off. I came to you because I don’t have Meg’s number but either way, Meg is close with her family and wouldn’t be able to relate as well to this situation as you could. Before you ask, no, Castiel didn’t tell me any of your family details. He merely mentioned that there was a funeral over Spring Break and that you and your father had a complicated relationship; I put some pieces together, connected some dots or so have you. Any-who, Castiel does not want to talk to me. In fact, he specifically told me to leave him alone, so I am here to sic you on him instead. I’m leaving him alone and you’ll be there to make sure he doesn’t dehydrate from crying.” Crowley says. “Also, Castiel did not tell me where you live, you are simply easy to find. Now, please go see if he will allow you to help him. I will spend the rest of the day in the library.”

Crowley leaves before Dean can reply.

Dean grabs everything he needs to go visit Cas: keys, his wallet, a jacket, and then he sprints to Camm, swipes in, takes the stairs two at a time, and runs to Cas’s room. He knocks on the door.

“Go away, Crowley.” Cas says. He sounds like shit.

“I’m way better-looking than Crowley.” Dean says.

Dean can hear Cas gasp through the thin walls. Dean holds his breath for a full minute before Cas opens the door and falls into his arms, sobbing. Dean catches Cas and gently closes the door with his foot. He leads Cas to the bed, and they sit for a while, but they end up lying on the bed together. Dean has his arms wrapped around Cas with Cas’s head tucked protectively under his chin and Cas has a firm grip on Dean’s shirt like he’s afraid Dean will disappear.

Cas cries himself to sleep and it’s only then that Dean allows his own tears to fall. He cries silently until he too falls asleep.

…

**Dean**

It’s 6:34PM and Dean and Cas are still lying in bed. They’re talking now. Well…Cas is talking. Dean’s listening.

“I can never return to the Garden.” Tears spill down Cas’s face.

“He adopted lots of kids and he did this to all of us.” Cas says a few minutes later. “I suppose some of us adapted to the situation better than others, but he was cruel to us all.”

“I don’t even fully understand how he found out about you. He just did. And when he started saying horrible things I just…I couldn’t take it. I exploded.” Cas says. He sounds like he’s in a trance of sorts…maybe it’s shock?

Dean doesn’t know what to say. He really doesn’t know what to do...he just holds Cas close and listens.

“I’m going to need to talk to my brother, Gabriel. He can help.” Cas jumps out of bed and goes for his laptop. “At least we’ve been talking frequently anyway. Father will surely cut everything else off soon, so I need to be quick.”

“Cas, I think everything’s closed right now. Maybe you should email him now and explain everything, but ask to do something about it tomorrow.” Dean suggests, sitting up.

Cas sits down beside Dean and rests his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean wraps his arms around his waist and kisses Cas’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry your father is so cruel.” Dean says.

Cas nods.

They sit like this for a long time. So long that Dean starts to get restless. He really needs to move but he doesn’t want to hurt Cas’s feelings.

“This is a long time to sit in the same position; isn’t it?” Cas asks, pulling away.

“Um,” Dean doesn’t know what to say.

“I could feel you start…I don’t know how to describe it. Twitching, perhaps? A little bit. Thank you for holding me for as long as you did.” Cas sighs and gently rests a hand on Dean’s face. “I love you for it. And for everything else. You always go out of your way to try to help me feel whole—even to the point of literally holding me together.”

“I love you too and you’ve done the same for me—you spent most of Spring Break doing that for me.”

Cas’s stomach growls.

“Let’s order in.” Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket and pulls up a delivery app. “Oh cool. This gives ten dollars off our first order. That’s neat. What restaurant do you want? My treat.”

“Honestly? I would rather go get a bunch of those mac and cheese bowls from Wawa and some ice cream.” Cas says.

Dean puts his phone back in his pocket and stands. “Wawa it is.” He reaches out his hand to Cas.

A shadow of a smile lights Cas’s face as he takes Dean’s hand. “Thank you. For—I don’t even know. Being you? For everything? For crashing into me that day at the bookstore? For buying me a new cup of coffee to make up for the dropped one even though your shirt was soaked in peppermint mocha and it was my fault for not looking where I was going because I was looking at my phone. Thank you for then. Thank you for now. Just…thank you, Dean.”

“Cas, you don’t need to thank me for any of that. I’m glad the bookstore incident happened. I’m glad we have our Milton class together. I’m so grateful for everything you did for me over Spring Break. I’m glad we became friends and I’m glad we’re dating now. I’m just…I’m so glad to have you in my life, Cas. I am so damn lucky to have the privilege of knowing you in _any_ capacity—much less getting to fall in love with you and experience you loving me. Thank _you_ for that.” Dean says. He presses a gentle kiss to Cas’s knuckles.

Cas smiles a watery smile and kisses Dean. “I love you, Dean.”

Dean kisses Cas back and says, “And I love you, Cas.”

They pull away and Dean takes Cas’s hand in his, puts their hands up and does a spin under their hands like Cas taught him to one of the times Dean watched him practice for his Dancing Badly class.

Cas chuckles and he does a spin under their hands too.

“Now, let’s go get your mac and cheese cups.” Dean says before pressing a kiss onto Cas’s knuckles.

“They have to be the Kraft ones with extra cheese or we’re leaving.” Cas grins.

Dean laughs and presses a kiss to Cas’s forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will pretty much go up from here for our pals Cas and Dean. The next chapters will be angsty but they will not be as intense as 27 and 28.
> 
> Thank you all for reading!!!:D


	29. Gabriel Comes In To Save The Day But Accidently Causes Trouble Also Known As: The Apartment Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of abuse, being disowned, and homophobia

April 5

_Castiel_

Castiel wakes up at 6am for his 7am Dancing Badly class. He likes to think of it as a good way to start a Sunday and a Monday, so he teaches both: Monday at 7am and Sunday at 10am. Charlie does not attend the 7am Monday class because she claims it is “too early for a self-respecting junior to wake up” which always makes Castiel chuckle. Dean and Charlie have a long list of things that a “self-respecting junior” should not do and Castiel does almost every single one of them…because he likes to live on the edge. He told Charlie that once and she just laughed, called him a dork, and hugged him tightly before saying how happy she is that he’s her friend. Castiel’s really glad he knows Charlie.

Benny and Garth go to the 7am Monday Dancing Badly class…sometimes…if they haven’t gone to sleep yet and they’re still enjoying a late Sunday night.

Castiel carefully untangles himself from Dean who latches onto his arm in his sleep and makes a small whining noise. Castiel feels a rush of adoration for Dean and covers his mouth to hold back a laugh so he doesn’t wake Dean up. He could never tell Dean this, but Dean is a bit of a clingy sleeper and Castiel finds it ever so endearing. He maneuvers away from Dean and laments the lack of sunlight. He wishes he could watch Dean sleep…he enjoys the moments when he wakes up before Dean and he can watch him in his peace. It’s the one time of the day when Dean’s still and at ease.

It’s such a strange sight…it’s almost _wrong_ to see Dean calm in his sleep when he’s so…so _vibrant_ during the day: moving from one thing to another with speed and efficiency, laughing and teasing and grinning that shit-eating-grin of his, comforting and promising Castiel that there are good things coming his way as he holds him tightly in his arms. Dean Winchester without movement truly seems antithetical. But it’s nice that he’s at ease. He’s just…existing. He’s not worrying about everyone else. He’s not stretching himself too thin between the endless shifts he subs for his co-workers, caring for Castiel, caring for his friends, solving everyone else’s problems, and spending hours working on his own schoolwork—his main task as a college student. Sometimes Castiel thinks that Dean _knows_ it’s unrealistic to expect himself to save the entire world, so Dean tries to save the people who make up Dean’s world instead. It’s an admirable way to live, but Castiel knows it takes a toll on Dean.

He knows that it pained Dean to see him cry so much yesterday. He knows that Dean cried for him yesterday afternoon too. Castiel was nearly asleep when he heard Dean start crying quietly. Castiel pretended to be asleep as his own silent tears spilled down his face. Castiel knows that Dean cares. He just hates that his situation is causing Dean pain. He hates that he didn’t try to comfort Dean last night, but that would’ve just ended in a downward spiral of self-hatred on both parts. Castiel would’ve felt bad for having made Dean feel bad; Dean would’ve felt bad for making Castiel feel bad because Dean was crying. It just would’ve been a mess and Dean wouldn’t have allowed himself to cry if Castiel had said anything about it, so Castiel just let Dean cry. He thinks it was the right choice, but he really can’t be sure. Thinking about it makes Castiel want to crawl back into bed and hold Dean close, but he can’t do that right now. He has things to do before he leaves for his class and he doesn’t want to wake Dean.

Castiel checks his laptop and finds an email from Gabriel. Castiel had emailed Gabriel before he went to bed last night. Gabriel’s reply is short.

_I’m in Williamsburg. Email me when you wake up. -G-_

Castiel replies, saying that he’s awake.

Gabriel sends a response back immediately.

_Look out your window. -G-_

Castiel does and he can see his older brother waving at him in the dim light of the rising sun.

How is he here already?

Castiel grabs his student ID and goes downstairs to meet Gabriel. It isn’t until he steps outside that he realizes he’s still wearing his bumblebee pajamas and he hugs himself as the cold air rushes right through the thin fabric.

“Hey little bro,” Gabriel says.

Castiel smiles and winces at the pain in his face. He’s glad that the light is so dim; hopefully that means Gabriel won’t see the bruise on his face from where their father hit him yesterday.

“Hello, Gabriel. How did you get here so quickly?” Castiel asks.

“I have friends in the area.” Gabriel shrugs. “And I happened to be looking for properties for a candy store in Williamsburg. The first one’s doing well, so I want to expand the business. This place seems like a good place for one. There’s all kinds of cutesy shops here anyway. Plus, you know, you’re here.”

Castiel’s eyes fill with tears and he hugs Gabriel. “Thank you,”

“You’re the only family I’ve got left, kiddo.” Gabriel hugs Castiel back.

Sincere is not a language that Gabriel speaks often, which is why Castiel goes straight for the “kiddo” bait and says, “Kiddo my ass. I’m only nine years younger than you.”

“Exactly. That’s nearly a decade, _kiddo_.”

Castiel chuckles and pulls away. He scrubs at his eyes with his sleeve.

“Okay, so we should head upstairs. It’s freezing and I have to use the bathroom.” Gabriel says.

“Uh, well, um.” Castiel looks away. “Dean’s upstairs right now. He’s sleeping.”

“Well, that’s perfect because we’re apartment shopping today and you’re probably going to want his input anyway. And, you know, I would like to meet him. Obviously.”

Castiel blinks. Yes. That does make sense. It is what people in relationships do: they meet each other’s family. Until now, the only family Castiel has been able to introduce Dean to is the family he has found at school: Meg and—God help Castiel for even thinking this—Crowley.

Castiel thinks about yesterday when Crowley helped Castiel try to find things in the room when Castiel was freaking out before meeting his father. Castiel remembers how he came back to find the room much cleaner than he left it. Castiel remembers Crowley asking if there was anything that he could do to help…and sounding sincere about it. Castiel remembers telling Crowley to leave and Crowley leaving as requested, but he obviously found Dean and sent him to check on Castiel. Crowley’s a good friend. Crowley’s usually a pain in the ass, but he’s also a good friend. Castiel still isn’t sure why Crowley is Meg’s enemy.

Castiel leads the way up to the dorm and finds the door ajar and the light on. Dean’s sitting on Castiel’s bed, typing something on his phone. He’s making that concentration-face that Castiel loves where Dean scrunches his eyebrows and sticks his tongue out just a little. Castiel cannot help but smile at his boyfriend. He’s just too cute sometimes.

“Good morning, Dean.” Castiel says.

“Mornin’ Cas.” Dean looks up and scrunches his eyebrows together even more when he sees Gabriel. Then it’s like a lightbulb goes off over Dean’s head and he blinks and asks, “Oh, is this your brother?”

Gabriel steps around Castiel and walks over to Dean. He puts his hand out and says, “Gabriel Novak—older brother.”

Dean shakes Gabriel’s hand and says, “Uh, Dean Winchester. Boyfriend.”

Gabriel looks back at Castiel, grinning, probably about to say something that will embarrass Castiel like he did when he met Meg, but then his face falls. “What happened to your face?”

It’s hard to meet Gabriel’s eyes.

“Um, Father, he,” Castiel says. “He hit me...yesterday.”

Gabriel walks over and hugs Castiel tightly. “I know being disowned is a bad thing, but at least you’re finally rid of that piece of shit.”

Castiel hugs Gabriel back. “Yeah, at least there’s that.”

This isn’t the first time Gabriel has hugged Castiel after their father hit him, but hopefully, this will be the last.

**Dean**

When Gabriel sees the bruise on Cas’s face, he pulls Cas into a tight, abrupt hug. It dawns on Dean that this is probably why Cas hugs the way he does: with urgency—as if a hug can cure anything and the cure must be applied as soon as possible. That must be because of Gabriel.

When the two Novak siblings pull away, Gabriel launches into the progress he has made in finding Cas an apartment and how he annoyed one of his real estate friends into finding five choices for Cas within a decent price range and not too far from the school. But, in Gabriel’s words, the apartments are “not total shit,” either.

“So, Dean, you got clothes in here or do you need to run to your dorm to change before we leave?” Gabriel asks.

Dean blinks. “Oh, yeah. I’ll just say bye to Cas so you two can take off.” Dean says.

“No. I mean.” Gabriel stops talking and looks at Dean. “Wait. You’re coming apartment-hunting with us; aren’t you?”

“Um, I could if Cas wants me to,” Dean says. “But I don’t want to impose.” Dean looks at Cas who looks just as confused as Dean feels.

Dean really could go. He just finished emailing his professors to say he can’t come to class today. He gave a brief explanation to Ellen about the situation, but he told all the other professors that he’s sick and he also made sure to tell Ellen that he told her co-workers that he’s sick. He also asked Benny to cover Dean’s shift at the library later. Dean wanted to make sure his day was free in case Cas needed him because he wasn’t sure how long it would take Gabriel to get here to help Cas.

Dean looks back at Gabriel who’s starting to pace around the room.

“Okay. I’ve clearly gotten some details fuzzy. I was under the impression that you two were thinking about living together. Because Castiel has mentioned that you two have been sharing your dorm since right after Spring Break. I interpreted that to mean that you two would enjoy the amenities of an apartment along with the cheaper price that comes with two people sharing a one-bedroom rather than someone having an apartment they never use because they spend every night in their boyfriend’s dorm.” Gabriel looks at Cas.

Dean looks at Cas who’s frowning with his head tilted to the side. As much as Dean loves Cas’s thinking face, he can’t focus on anything except the stuttering and loud beat of his own heart over the prospect of maybe living with Cas next year. Dean could get Cas that cat he wants to get him…it would be a perfect birthday present. But…Dean doesn’t need to live in an apartment with Cas to get Cas a cat. Cas just needs to live in an apartment.

Dean might not be able to afford the cost of sharing an apartment with Cas anyway.

And wouldn’t it change their relationship if they lived together?

Dean thinks about it some more and well…the answer is no, not really. They already spend most of their down-time together. They fall asleep in each other’s arms every night and wake up next to each other every morning. Dean has come back to his dorm on multiple occasions to find Cas vacuuming or cleaning dirty dishes. Cas brings in surprise-breakfast from Wawa sometimes. Dean has made room in his closet for Cas, so now Cas has a drawer and half the closet. Some of Cas’s important documents have made their way into Dean’s desk. So has Cas’s printer and the nightstand that Cas kept it on when it lived in this room with Cas and Crowley. (Apparently Crowley was not happy about Cas’s printer finding a new home in Dean’s dorm-room, but Dean thinks that’s what Crowley gets for calling Dean “Squirrel.”)

And, in an absolute worst-case-scenario, Dean knows there’s room for him with Bobby and Ellen. So, if he and Cas break up next year, Dean will still have a place to live.

But…If Dean’s being honest with himself, he doesn’t believe that he and Cas will break up. Not really. They’ve been through so much already. Dean just can’t fathom anything that could cause them to fall out of love with each other. To be fair, most people don’t think anything will make them fall out of love with their significant other. But Dean thinks he and Cas are different. Which…most people do.

Dean shakes his head. He takes a deep breath. He wants to do this. He really does.

But the money. That’s the real problem here. Will Dean’s financial aid and job be enough to cover the costs of an apartment, food, dishes, and everything else they’ll need next year? It should be. It’ll just be tighter than usual…unless Gabriel’s definition of “nice” is super fancy and expensive…that is a possibility given the amount of money Cas and Gabriel grew up around.

“Gabriel, can you give Dean and me a minute to confer?” Cas asks.

“Sure thing. I need to use the bathroom anyway.” Gabriel claps Cas on the shoulder and walks out of the room.

“Does he know where the bathroom is?” Dean asks.

“It’s at the end of the hall. I’m sure he’ll find it.” Cas shrugs.

“So…what did you think about this moving in together idea?” Dean asks.

“I was not trying to imply anything to Gabriel when I’d spoken to him about where I spend my nights, but now that it has been suggested, I do think it’s worth considering. There is not much of a point of me renting an apartment if I plan to spend most of my nights with you on campus. And there’s no point in you spending money on a dorm if you decide to spend most of your nights in my apartment. It would probably be cheaper for us to rent a one-bedroom together. I’ll need to get a new car since my father will probably tow my current one, but once I acquire a car—which I assure you, I will be able to do—we could drive together in the mornings and I can pick you up when you work late at the library. Um, I don’t know if I should tell you this…but I’ll tell you anyway. Gabriel won the lottery and gave me a million dollars of his winnings over Spring Break. So, I can get through the rest of my undergraduate studies, a master’s program, and a PhD program quite easily.”

Dean’s heart drops at the thought of not being able to contribute a car to this arrangement. Is Dean going to be able to do _anything_ financially for this?

Dean needs to be able to contribute _something_ …he doesn’t want Cas to think that he’s using him for his money. To be fair, Dean didn’t know about Cas’s money before. But he still doesn’t want to give Cas the wrong idea now that he does know.

Dean hesitates before saying, “I like the idea of living with you, I just…I just don’t know how much I’d be able to chip in for the apartment. If I can’t contribute, I shouldn’t move in with you.”

Cas nods. “That’s an understandable concern. But I think I have a solution. Because the way I see it, if you do most of the cooking and grocery shopping, then that would be the equivalent of paying for over half the apartment because you would be doing the labor of cooking while also paying for a lot of the groceries. I can only cook cereal and even then, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that I will set fire to the kitchen, so it would benefit both of us if I paid for most of the apartment in exchange for you cooking so I don’t end up burning the apartment down. I think this would be an equal exchange.”

Dean blinks.

He…he thinks he can live with that.

Cas really has learned how to speak his language; hasn’t he?

Huh.

Maybe…maybe they really _will_ work out.

“I guess…I guess that makes sense.” Dean says.

“We would split the cleaning pretty evenly though. I would never ask you to do _all_ the chores. I’m actually quite fond of doing laundry and vacuuming—just to name a few things.”

Dean nods. He wiggles his fingers.

“So, what do you say?” Cas asks. “Do you want to find a place together?”

Yes. Yes. _Of course_ , Dean wants to find a place with Cas.

Dean’s too far away from Cas. He crosses the room and kisses Cas.

Cas kisses Dean back and then he pulls away ever so slightly to ask, “So, is that a yes?”

“Yes,” Dean whispers.

Cas smiles widely. Then his face grows serious and he stares into Dean’s eyes before saying, “I’m glad. Because…at this point…it…it wouldn’t feel like a home without you.”

Dean’s eyes widen and he feels his face flush. He buries his face in Cas’s shoulder. “I love you, Cas. And…and that sentence doesn’t even feel like a full summation of my feelings, but it’s all I got, dear heart, so I’ll say it again. I love you so much.”

Cas wraps his arms around Dean and sings softly into Dean’s ear.

_“You’re my sunshine and I want you to know  
That my feelings are true.  
I really love you.  
Oh, you’re my best friend.”_

Dean feels warm all over from Cas’s rendition of “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen. Dean hugs Cas tighter and says, “I’m never gonna get over you singin’ Queen songs to me.”

Cas chuckles and kisses Dean on the cheek. “I suppose it’s a good thing that Queen has quite an extensive discography.”

“Good thing.” Dean chuckles.

“Guys? Did you figure it out yet?” Gabriel calls through the door. “I’ve been standing out here for a while.”

Dean and Cas laugh.

“Come on in!” Cas says.

“I’m assuming you’re going to move in together?” Gabriel asks. “Since you both look happy.”

Cas grins as he pulls away from Dean and says, “Yeah, we’re moving in together.” He grabs Dean’s hand and gives it a squeeze.

Dean squeezes back three times hoping Cas gets the message.

Cas returns three squeezes back and Dean’s heart does backflips.

_“Oh, you’re the first one when things turn out bad  
You know I’ll never be lonely.  
You’re my only one.  
And I love the things  
I really love the things that you do  
Oh, you’re my best friend,”_

Dean has Charlie and Cas has Meg, but Dean thinks it’s okay if he and Cas have two best friends: a platonic best friend and a romantic best friend. You can never have too many; right?

…

April 6

_Castiel_

_How does one write about the person that they love?  
How does one string words and phrases together into  
lines and sentences that actually make sense?  
How does one choose the right letter-combinations to  
create something appealing not only to the eye,  
but to the heart?_

Castiel sighs. He wants to write something to Dean, but instead he keeps writing a poem about why describing the one he loves is so difficult. He’s just throwing up line after line of a writer’s cry for help and understanding—of the infinite possibilities of the writing process—and how those possibilities are simultaneously freeing and a horrible cage to be stuck in due to the dreaded thought: what if the reader hates it?

This is getting ridiculous.

Castiel picks up his pen and begins again.

_Green.  
His eyes are green.  
Looking into his eyes is like looking  
at a garden in the springtime  
they’re full of hope and renewal.  
They give me strength._

Well…at least Castiel doesn’t _hate_ this. He decides to keep writing.

_We’re going to live together.  
Gabriel helped us find an apartment  
after my father disowned me.  
The apartment isn’t cheap.  
Gabriel has generously supplied me  
with enough funds to pay for it  
as well as my college payments  
and general living expenses._

That’s a weird thing to put in a poem. He’s being too literal. Castiel crosses it out and tries again.

_We’re going to live together.  
That’s a sentence I would not have  
imagined writing in January  
but I’m so glad that I can now.  
We haven’t dated long, but I know you’re it for me._

Castiel scratches out that last line. It’s too soon to say that. Not that timing has ever been particularly relevant to the events of their relationship…to the feelings they have for each other. Castiel still scratches out that line one more time just for good measure. It still feels too soon. Like he’s asking Dean for too much.

_You agreed to our new arrangement  
when I suggested that you do most of  
the cooking and grocery shopping.  
It’s not that I don’t want to pitch in  
it’s that I know you would never accept  
if you didn’t feel you were doing your part.  
Making sure I don’t burn down our kitchen  
is definitely pulling your weight._

_I would have paid for all of it though.  
But I know you would never let me.  
And I understand to some degree.  
Nobody wishes to feel they are being given charity.  
  
_

_But Dean, it’s love, and the desire for the  
comfort and joy living with you will bring.  
Those are the reasons I wish to live with you.  
If anything, that’s selfishness on my part  
not charity._

Castiel decides this poem is for his eyes only. He’ll need to write Dean a new one. So Castiel writes the words he cannot tell Dean. Not yet at least.

_I think you may be the love of my life.  
It’s strange that I feel confident about this  
so soon. But…I don’t know.  
Sometimes I feel as if I have known you forever.  
Sometimes it feels like you have  
always been a part of me.  
It’s like you’re the missing piece to my puzzle.  
And now that I have you,  
I can’t bear to let you go.  
I mean, I would if I had to.  
I just pray I never need to.  
I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the chapter title sounds a bit like a song from Panic! At the Disco. I stand by it. :D
> 
> Thank you all you awesome people who read this!!:D


	30. Do You Really Wanna Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Foul language, Cas thinks about his father in this one, so mentions of past abuse. There is a tickling scene, but the characters have a short conversation ahead of time and they both say they wish to participate. (No, that is not code, it is literally a tickling scene.)

April 12

_Castiel_

_“I’ve been overthinking all of my life.  
They'll ask me up in Heaven why I fell on my knife.”_

It’s nearly midnight and Dean’s working the late-shift at the library. Dean gave Castiel the key to his dorm earlier, so Castiel’s reading in Dean’s bed. Well, to be more accurate, he’s _trying_ to read. He’s got _Nailed It!_ playing on Dean's tv and he’s trying to read something. He goes through so many books: his own and the carefully curated collection of Dean’s. _Pride_ by Ibi Zoboi. _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelley. _Doctor Sleep_ by Stephen King.

Castiel is trying to read anything he can get his hands on.

The novelization of the first Star Wars film that Dean let him borrow. It’s called _The Princess, The Scoundrel, and the Farm Boy_ by William and Mary alumnus, Alexandra Bracken. She visited the college for Homecoming 2018 and signed Dean’s book. _Pride and Prejudice_ by Jane Austen. _The Importance of Being Earnest_ by Oscar Wilde. _Les Mis_ _érables_ by Victor Hugo.

Anything.

 _The Crying of Lot 49_ by Thomas Pynchon. _Children of Blood and Bone_ by Toni Adeyemi. _Cinder_ by Marissa Meyer. _Until The Coffee Gets Cold_ by Toshikazu Kawaguchi.

Anything to take his mind off the fact that he cannot stop thinking about his father. Today is his father's birthday and…and…and Castiel doesn’t want to think about it. But he simply cannot stop. He just wants to read.

But instead of reading, Castiel is lying in Dean’s bed which is now completely covered in discarded books.

He is not having a good time.

It does not help that Castiel brilliantly decided an hour ago that he would listen to the song “Do You Really Wanna Know?” by Sea Girls on repeat. That was a mistake because when Dean sent Castiel a text fifteen minutes ago, all Castiel could do was wonder if Dean really _does_ want to know how he’s feeling or if Dean is tired of the onslaught of pain that the pair of them have been going through since March. Has Dean had enough yet? Because it feels like the second Dean seemed okay again after the funeral, Castiel’s life blew up. That must be a lot to take in on Dean’s part.

_“All of my emotions, they’re technically right,  
But I don’t wanna go there and fuck up your night.”_

Castiel _wants_ to be okay. And he is…for the most-part. It’s just…despite everything, Castiel misses his father.

Castiel sighs.

Well…perhaps not _his father_ so much as the idea of having a loving father. Now that Castiel’s not communicating with his father, that will never happen. He will never win his approval. Not that Castiel ever truly believed he would earn it. He just…he _wanted_ it. Desperately. But he could never rip out enough of his own heart to earn his father’s approval and love and respect. Castiel always chose self-preservation and earned his father’s disdain.

How dare he? Castiel chuckles bitterly at the thought. How fucking dare Castiel not slaughter every piece of himself for his father? What a truly heinous person Castiel is for not doing that.

Castiel finds it ironic that Dean had placed his hand over Castiel’s heart and told him to protect it because it belongs to Castiel. It’s funny because Castiel’s heart has not truly been his and his alone since he spilled a peppermint mocha all over Dean Winchester on January 9th. From that moment on, a piece of Castiel’s heart belonged to Dean.

And Castiel doesn’t even mind.

Because he knows Dean takes good care of his heart…and because Castiel feels he has been entrusted with pieces of Dean’s heart as well. Dean lets Castiel see his worries that he will never be close with his younger brother, Sam. Dean lets Castiel hold the part of his heart that loves words and literature and the sharp, prickly, cold fear that Dean doesn’t belong in the world of academia because of his socioeconomic background. Dean trusts Castiel with his vulnerable pieces…the ones Dean calls broken but Castiel sees as well…just more pieces of Dean. And broken or not, Castiel would rather have Dean in his life than not get the privilege of having Dean in his life. Love is strange that way. Dean’s Castiel’s favorite life teammate. He can’t imagine trying to navigate this world with a different significant other.

It’s not that Castiel hasn’t dated before. He dated in secret in high school and he had a boyfriend freshman year. None of it amounted to much. Castiel had never really fallen in love before Dean.

Castiel looks at the messages from Dean on his phone.

Dean-Hey Cas, slow night here. Benny’s probably going to end up making paper airplanes again.

Dean-Also, I wasn’t able to ask earlier today because I was rushing around when I saw you last: are you feeling okay? You didn’t seem to be earlier.

That’s because Castiel had been crying in the bathroom two minutes before Dean met him in Tucker Hall to give him the keys to his dorm.

Castiel sighs and decides to just tell Dean the truth…at least part of it.

Castiel-I’m having a bit of a shitty day. I don’t really feel like talking about it yet.

Dean doesn’t reply right away.

Castiel knows rationally that it’s because Dean’s at work and that he’s probably talking to Benny or helping out a patron, but Castiel cannot stop himself from counting the minutes until Dean replies. Finally, Castiel puts his phone on sound and puts it on the microwave on the other side of the room. Then he sits in bed and forces himself to watch _Nailed It!_

He will not obsess over this.

He will not.

It is perfectly normal for Dean to not reply seven minutes after Castiel sent a message while Dean is at work.

Castiel is simply overthinking things. Like he always does.

He just feels insecure right now because of his father.

None of that pep-talk stops Castiel from running to the other side of the room as soon as his phone beeps though.

There are two messages from Dean.

Dean-I’m sorry your day sucks. Also, only talk whenever you feel comfortable doing so. No pressure, Cas. Promise.

Dean-Attached is the cutest picture of a bumblebee I could find in a quick Google search. I hope your night gets better. Love you!:)

Castiel looks at the picture of the bumblebee. It’s a fat, fuzzy one and it’s taking a nap on a flower.

Castiel’s eyes fill with tears. Dean really does love him.

Castiel-Thank you for the picture. That is an adorable bumblebee. I love you too. Have fun at work.

Castiel feels like a little of the weight he was carrying has left him. He snuggles up under the blankets and watches more _Nailed It!_ He still feels like shit, but at least he has let enough of the shit go to watch people make pastry-nightmares.

When Dean returns, it’s with a bag from the Student Store and he hands it to Castiel.

“You don’t need to talk about it, but here’s something to make the night less shit.” Dean says.

“You didn’t need to get anything,” Castiel says.

“I know. I wanted to though.” Dean shrugs.

Castiel opens the bag to find two Ben and Jerry’s ice creams and a few of that Kraft mac and cheese cups Castiel likes so much. Dean found both their favorite flavors of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream: Cold-brew Coffee flavor for Dean and Everything But The… for Castiel.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel divides the bag’s contents in half and they eat mac and cheese cups and ice cream until they both fall asleep leaning against the wall, snuggled up against each other.

Castiel wakes up at some point in the night and finds himself lying on top of Dean, snuggled against Dean’s chest. Dean has both arms around Castiel, hugging him close. Castiel feels warm all over and he leans his face right over Dean’s heart and falls asleep to the steady heartbeat of his boyfriend…the man he loves…his—not his soulmate exactly—but rather, his teammate. His chosen teammate in this shitty, shitty world full of nightmarish memories and crushed hearts.

…

The Next Morning

_Castiel_

They spend Saturday morning in bed and in the safety of Dean’s arms, Castiel finally asks, “Is it bad that I miss him?”

Dean tenses and he asks, “Miss who?”

Castiel’s fairly certain Dean knows who he’s talking about, but Castiel replies, “My father,” all the same.

“I don’t know. I miss my dad sometimes too. Despite everything. There are probably some good memories left swimming around your head. It probably makes everything hurt more. Am I getting any of this right?”

“You are…To make matters worse, yesterday was his birthday.”

Dean holds Castiel a little closer. “Can you tell me more?”

Castiel thinks for a moment and then he twists around so he’s facing Dean. “I don’t…I don’t really know where to begin.”

“Wherever you want.”

Castiel sighs and presses his face into Dean’s chest.

Dean kisses Castiel’s temple. “Take your time.” Dean whispers.

“I wish the words came easier. We don’t have all day. We’re supposed to meet our friends at 11:14AM…which is a weirdly specific time.”

“Yeah, you can thank Benny for that one.”

Castiel smiles. “I really love your friends and I’m glad they have accepted me.”

“They’re your friends now too, Cas.” Dean replies. “I’m glad your friends like me too.”

“My friends are your friends now too, Dean. It’s nice that everyone gets along.”

“It is.”

They fall into a nearly comfortable silence. Nearly comfortable because there’s still the nagging feeling in the back of Castiel’s mind. He knows he feels uneasy about yesterday and the things that have to do with his father, but he just…he can’t come up with the words and he wants more than anything to be able to move on.

“I just want this all to be over.” Castiel says. “I just want to stop caring about him.”

“That makes sense.” Dean replies.

“I don’t think I ever will stop caring about him though. I just…I wish I could. It would be easier.”

“Yeah,”

Castiel buries his face in Dean’s chest and wishes away his ill-thoughts.

Castiel feels Dean wrap an arm around his waist and uses his free hand to gently stroke his hair. It feels so nice. Castiel loves their shared friends, but he also wishes they could just spend the day in bed like this. Here, it’s warm and safe. Here, Castiel is held tightly by Dean. Here, Castiel’s arm is asleep because it’s under Dean and he should probably bring that up at some point, but he also doesn’t want Dean to move because everything else feels so good.

“I love this, but I need to adjust.” Castiel says, pulling his arm out from under Dean.

“Shit, did I crush your arm all night?” Dean asks.

“No. You did not crush my arm.” Castiel says. He uses a half-asleep finger to poke Dean’s shoulder.

Dean giggles.

Castiel has no idea how that area could be ticklish, but Dean’s giggle is the cutest sound he has ever heard.

Castiel grins. “Are you…are you ticklish?”

“Yeah; are you?”

“Yes.”

Dean pulls away and grins. “Tickle fight?”

Castiel nods. “Tickle fight.”

Castiel starts to reach out to tickle Dean, but then Dean grabs Castiel and tickles him instead. Dean tickles Castiel’s stomach and all Castiel can do is laugh which seems to make Dean laugh. He tries to fight back, but it’s no use. He has been captured.

Castiel laughs so hard it’s difficult to breathe and Dean stops tickling him.

“Okay, time out.” Dean says. “Catch your breath.”

Castiel catches his breath and says, “Time in.” He tickles Dean’s armpits, but Dean tickles back and Castiel is lost in a fit of giggles.

It’s an unmitigated disaster. Truly.

Eventually Castiel squirms away and launches another attack on Dean. He goes straight for his belly this time and Dean laughs so hard he snorts. Which makes Castiel laugh.

“That was the cutest sound I’ve ever heard.” Castiel says, pulling Dean into his arms for a hug.

“Tickle fight over?”

“Yes.”

Dean chuckles and hugs Castiel back.

They stay like this for a while: sprawled out on the bed, hugging each other.

Then Dean’s phone rings.

Castiel lets go of Dean so he can get up. Dean walks across the room and grabs his phone off the desk. “Oh, it’s Charlie. I’ll put it on speaker.”

“Okay,” Castiel says.

“Hey Charlie, you’re on speaker with Cas and me.” Dean says.

“Where are you guys?” Charlie asks.

“Oh shit.” Dean looks at Castiel. “It’s 11:20.”

“Yes, it’s 11:20. What have you two been doing all—never mind. Do not tell me.” Charlie says.

Castiel isn’t even sure why but he just laughs.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Cas.” Charlie says.

Dean laughs too.

“You guys are the worst. Call me when you’re almost here.” Charlie hangs up.

Castiel and Dean look at each other laugh some more.

Castiel rolls over onto his back on the bed. Dean walks over and flops down on the bed, lying next to Castiel. Castiel takes Dean’s hand in his and Dean laces their fingers. Castiel just looks at Dean. He really is the perfect teammate.

“I’m glad we chose each other.” Castiel tells Dean.

Dean smiles. “Me too, Cas.”


	31. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Foul language and Dean thinks about his dad here so, references to child abuse as well.

April 18

_Castiel_

“I think what I miss the most is The Garden.” Castiel tells Dean one night as they lie in bed together. “It was so beautiful. There were rows of rosebushes and lilies, honeysuckles and zinnias, daisies and asters, foxgloves—those were my favorites. They attracted bees. And they’re sort of shaped like bells—like a tower of blue or purple or white bells.” Castiel sighs and rests his chin on Dean’s shoulder. Castiel is the big spoon tonight. He really loves getting to be the big spoon because it feels like he’s holding Dean close, guarding him from the world…not that Castiel can _really_ protect Dean from anything. But he does have his back. Literally.

“Would you be able to grow any of those plants indoors?” Dean asks. “Because there were a lot of windows in that apartment we looked at, so maybe you can grow some plants there.”

Dean doesn’t refer to the apartment as theirs very often. It bothers Castiel, but he doesn’t know how to approach Dean about the subject. Castiel cannot tell if Dean’s going to back out or if he’s just scared. It unfortunately could be both. Castiel has been trying to brace himself for that.

But.

Castiel’s scared too and he’s not going to back out any time soon. So maybe he should give Dean more credit.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Castiel says.

Dean gives Castiel’s hand a little squeeze. “It’ll be pretty. I can’t wait to see it.”

Castiel feels warm inside and holds Dean just a little closer.

…

**Dean**

It’s technically Tuesday, April 20th because it’s 2:25AM, but like always, Dean sees it more as a continuation of Monday, April 19th because he hasn’t gone to bed yet. He just finished his shift with Benny at the library and now he’s walking home. He’s probably walking slower than usual because he’s just swimming in his thoughts.

And he hates it.

He sends Cas a text.

Dean: Hey, don’t wait up. I’m going for a walk. One of THOSE days, I guess. Love you.

Dean adds the kissing face emoji after he sends the first text.

Then he walks around. As usual, he finds himself in the Sunken Gardens. This really is his favorite place on campus…other than the library…and his bed when Cas is in it.

Cas.

Dean sighs.

This whole apartment situation is weighing down on Dean. He just can’t stop thinking about the fact that he’s getting ready to move into that apartment with Cas and as the days roll by and the event gets closer, Dean’s starting to get nervous.

Okay, he’s freaking out.

What if he messes everything up? He _always_ messes things up. Life finds a way and so does Dean.

Dean hates himself for thinking these things. He really does. He doesn’t want to think about screwing things up with Cas. The thought alone makes him want to scream.

What will he do if he really _does_ fuck everything up with Cas?

Dean feels a block of ice start to grow in the pit of his stomach and he hugs himself.

Dean plops down onto a staircase under a lamp and opens his backpack. He grabs his notebook for his poetry class and opens it to a clean page. He pulls out a pen and starts writing. He writes all his thoughts and fears and dreams for the next few months. For the next few years. For the rest of his life.

Dean shakes his head. He’s putting too much pressure on this. He really is. And in his rational moments, he understands that, but he just…right now he just can’t stop himself from spiraling and he feels like he’s clawing at the surface of normalcy, but he just can’t reach it. He _wants_ to make it. He _wants_ to feel stable, but he just _cannot_ stop thinking about the idea of him ruining everything.

When he has written everything down, he carefully rips the page out of his notebook, puts the notebook and pen back in his backpack, zips his bag back up, and takes a deep breath. Then he takes another deep breath; this time he closes his eyes and listens to the crickets chirping. He feels the soft breeze caress his skin the way Cas gently touches his face when they kiss.

Figures.

Even now when Dean’s trying to get a grip on reality, he finds himself drifting off to thoughts of Cas.

Dean blinks.

Is what they’re doing just an attempt to play out a mutual fantasy or are they really going to succeed here? Will they be able to live together without problems? Charlie swears problems are normal, but Dean has no frame of reference for that. He didn’t have parents who were together to look to for an example while growing up. His only example is Bobby and Ellen and they always seem to be on their best behavior around Dean.

No.

That’s not true. They get into spats from time to time, but it’s small stuff usually and they seem to work their shit out by talking to each other. They get mad, take the time to cool off before actually saying anything, then they meet up and talk about their problems. That seems…healthy.

Dean looks at his paper. His fears are mostly related to everything blowing up in his face with Cas. Dean’s usually not much of a risk-taker. Well…that’s not true. He’s an impulsive little shit who decided that he would run away to college.

Wait.

That’s not true either. Dean shakes his head. Everything he does just _seems_ impulsive when it’s usually carefully planned. It took two months to plan his escape to get here in time for Freshmen Orientation. He spent all of junior year of high school preparing to apply to colleges in secret. He mowed lawns and washed cars and did yardwork and hid all his profits in his clothes so he could take the SAT. He only made enough to take it once. He couldn’t afford to do that all over again with the ACT—too risky to keep nearly a hundred dollars around his dad. The man could smell money. He found half the money Dean squirreled away senior year for his college applications. When he demanded to know where it came from, Dean lied and said he found it on the ground. His dad took what he found…after yelling at him and accusing him of stealing. That day sucked. He ended up only applying for one college. It’s all he could afford. He’s lucky he got in.

Dean blinks, trying to pull himself out of that line of thought.

The only thing Dean’s ever been careless with is his heart. He finds himself caring about people very quickly. He may not trust them right away, but people get to him fast. Dean knew Charlie would be someone he cared for deeply within a week of knowing her. She was funny and kind and geeky, and she never stopped talking which was pretty much everything Dean looked for in a best friend at the time. Charlie has since taken delight in the fact that Dean now never shuts the fuck up either. She has literally told Dean that to his face and then gave him a hug and told him she loved him. Dean may have cried. That was right before Charlie left for Spring Break their freshman year and she told him to keep in touch. She sent pictures of her Rey Funko Pop! figurine in all the places Charlie went: the mall, the beach, the roof of her grandmother’s house. Dean’s so glad Charlie was his roommate freshman year. He has no idea what he would’ve done without her.

And then with Cas…well…what can Dean even say about Cas? Dean tried to fight it with him. He really did. But Cas has been an exception to every one of Dean’s rules. Dean has never shared a living space with a significant other in any capacity before. This was intentional. But now Dean _already_ lives with Cas and soon they will live in an apartment together. Dean still can’t quite believe it. He’s mostly excited.

But he’s also scared.

But he doesn’t _want_ to be scared. He’s _tired_ of always being scared of everything that can go wrong in his life. To be fair, a lot of shit has gone wrong in his life. But that’s not an excuse to spend all his time dwelling on all the horrible shit that can happen.

Why not get excited about the future for once?

That seems like the less awful option. And is that not what life is about? Choosing the option that is the least shitty?

Dean hears something.

“ _I don’t care!_  
I love it!  
I don’t care!”

Dean can see someone running and he’s not even that surprised when he sees Cas. They always seem to find each other.

“Oh, hello Dean,” Cas says. He’s a little out of breath.

In the lamp-light, Dean sees that Cas is wearing his bumblebee sweatband, a white tank top, black shorts, rainbow socks, and yellow running shoes.

Dean can’t help but smile at the outfit. He loves it when Cas just dresses as himself. It’s something he really loves about Cas in general. Aside from interactions with his family, Cas is very open about who he is in a way that Dean has never allowed himself. Sure, Dean has gone to Pride with Charlie a few times, and he has Pride items in his room—hidden away from everyone except close friends (his family)—but he sometimes wonders if his flannels and leather jacket are more of a defensive maneuver rather than a fashion statement at this point…just more of the same because he’s afraid of change. He thinks it could be fun to wear bi-pride stuff. He should just buy something small…maybe a necklace so he can tuck it under his shirt when he’s uncomfortable.

Dean shakes his head, trying to focus on Cas.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says.

“What are you doing here?” Cas asks.

Cas must not have seen Dean’s text yet. That explains why Cas didn’t reply. Dean had assumed Cas was asleep. Sometimes he gets back to the dorm and finds Cas tucked into bed already. Dean’s always careful to not make any noise, but he always wakes Cas up when he crawls into bed. Dean doesn’t like that he’s disturbing Cas’s sleep, but he does live for that sleepy greeting he gets from Cas and the feeling of Cas burying his face in Dean’s chest on those nights. Sometimes he’ll just lie there, holding Cas close, thinking about how lucky he is to have him in his life. He always falls asleep feeling warm and loved on those nights.

If Dean can manage to have a lifetime of those nights, he will be a _very_ lucky man.

“Clearing my head. You?” Dean replies.

“Same,” Cas puts his hands on his knees.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

“It _is_ past two in the morning.”

“I send that statement back to you.” Cas puts his hand over his mouth and then points at Dean like he’s literally hurling the words Dean’s way.

Dean can’t help but smile. Cas is such a shit sometimes…Dean loves that about him. Dean probably shouldn’t be surprised that he fell in love with someone who possesses that quality though. Everyone else he loves is like that: Charlie, Bobby, Benny, Ellen, Jo. They’re all snark-tastic. And Dean loves them for it. Meg, Crowley, and Sammy are like that too…Dean’s sure that he will come to love all of them in time too.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Dean asks. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

“I don’t mind.” Cas replies. “I was thinking about everything that has transpired in these past few months and I’ve been thinking about our apartment. It feels…a little unreal—not in a bad way—but…if I’m being honest, also in a bad way. I fear I will mess things up.”

Dean blinks.

What? What could _Cas_ possibly do to mess things up?

Instead of saying any of that, Dean says, “I was thinking the same thing only about myself. I worry I will screw things up.”

“What would you do to mess things up between us?” Cas sits beside Dean.

“I don’t even know. I’m just good at doing that. What would you do to mess us up?”

“I don’t know either.”

“Huh,” Dean says.

Cas doesn’t say anything and they both sit in silence.

“Maybe…maybe we’re both just…maybe we’re just used to things going badly.” Dean says. His heart starts to beat faster. “So, we’re _expecting_ the worst. Maybe…maybe we should—and this is a revelation I came up with only a few moments ago so it’s not at all solid yet—but maybe we should try to get excited about the future. And expect good things instead of just the bad shit all the time. I mean, we’re gonna graduate next May. You get to watch Meg graduate in a few weeks. We’re gonna get to hang out with the Singers even more over the summer. Charlie too ‘cuz she’s taking that internship for one of her professors. You and I are gonna have that Shakespeare class together in the fall.”

Cas gently bumps Dean’s shoulder with his own. “We have a tradition to keep alive.”

Dean smiles and returns the gesture. “Obviously.”

“I’m excited to wake up on Saturdays with you in my arms and spend the day in bed. And…I look forward to decorating the apartment with you.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna have so much cute bee stuff.”

Cas chuckles and rests his sweaty head on Dean’s shoulder. “I really do love you, Dean. Not just for that comment—obviously. But just,” Cas sighs, “You’re so good to me.”

“I better be good to you considering how good you are to me. Plus, I really love you too, Cas. So, there’s that.” Dean kisses Cas’s sweaty hair. It’s gross, but it feels like the right thing to do in the moment.

Cas hums happily and takes Dean’s hand in his, so Dean thinks it was worth it.

“I’m excited to get to make you breakfast in bed.” Dean says as he wraps an arm around Cas’s waist. Cas kind of stinks. He smells like a meld of his deodorant and sweat, and the two smells seem to be fighting for dominance, but Dean just wants to be close to him right now. Smell or no smell.

“I’m going to show you my love by cleaning the bathroom. And before you say anything, you should know that was my family chore: cleaning all the bathrooms on the estate. I can thoroughly clean a bathroom top to bottom in fifteen minutes. Now I get to clean the bathroom of the apartment I will share with my beloved. I challenge you to name a better use of my time.”

Dean has no idea how to reply to _that_. He tries to do so anyway though. “I appreciate the sentiment.” Dean clears his throat as the tops of his ears burn.

People talking about things they want to do for him isn’t exactly Dean’s _favorite_ topic of conversation. He also feels bad because he gets to cook which is significantly easier than cleaning—and it’s more fun.

“I think the two of us need to just let ourselves be loved whichever way the other feels compelled to love them. I like cleaning for others. You like cooking for others. They’re both difficult tasks that require hard work.” Cas says.

“I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Dean admits. “I thought I was getting the fun part.”

“I don’t. I hate cooking. Cleaning’s easier.”

“Well, at least we have that decided. I will help with cleaning though—whichever parts you don’t like.”

“We’ll need to organize our bookshelves in rainbow-order.”

Dean feels a jolt of warmth and hugs Cas. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“We’re gonna be good.”

“Yes, we are.” Cas pulls away and kisses Dean. “Do you want to go home?”

Dean feels his eyes prick with tears at the thought of the dorm being “home” to Cas. He kisses Cas back. Then he says, “Yeah, let’s go home.”

Cas stands up and reaches out a hand to Dean. Dean puts his backpack on and then takes Cas’s hand. Dean takes a step forward before he remembers. He grabs the piece of paper that has all his fears on it from where it had fallen onto the ground. Then he rips it up and puts the pieces in his backpack.

“You okay?” Cas asks.

“Yeah,” Dean smiles. “I’m good.” He takes Cas’s hand again and they walk to the dorm together.

They walk _home_ together.


	32. Last Day of Classes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: There are mentions of alcohol and brief mention of an incident of alcohol poisoning.
> 
> I think this is a fun chapter though. I hope you all like it!!:D

Chapter 32: Last Day of Classes

**Dean**

The following days fly by. They’re full of forms to sign, last-minute events with friends, dinners with Bobby and Ellen, texting Sammy, dinners with Bobby and Ellen _and Cas_ , the occasional dinner with Cas and Gabriel. And essay  
after essay  
after creative writing assignment  
after poem  
after short story draft  
after that essay that Dean forgot about and had to ask for an extension on.  
And Dean has hardly had time to breathe because he has been trying to earn extra money at the library to make up for the two fines he had to pay because he cancelled his on-campus housing for the summer and the fall. Dean doesn’t mind too much though because his and Cas’s apartment is significantly nicer than the single that he’s living in now.

It has been ten days since Dean had that conversation with Cas about the apartment and their mutual fears and somehow, all Dean can see is up. He feels like he’s flying. Everything is on fire in relation to school and work, but things with Cas? Everything’s awesome. Dean just…he feels so hopeful for them now. He’s not even sure why. Maybe it’s because they seem to not be total shit in the communication department? At least so far?

Dean’s sure that he will eventually crash from this high, but he’s going to enjoy the ride until then.

Now it’s 6:02AM AKA ass-o’clock on April 30th, AKA the last day of classes, AKA the notorious William and Mary Spring LDOC. Dean has mixed feelings about LDOC. He thinks it’s a little overhyped, but he also doesn’t want to seem like the asshole who shits on everyone else’s good time. He does worry about alcohol poisoning because he has experienced that, and it is hell; there are a lot of cases on LDOC because everyone tries to drink all day. Dean did that last year and ended up in the hospital. Bobby and Ellen were not happy about that…neither was Charlie who called them.

There are also the streakers to think about. A lot of professors cancel their classes to avoid interacting with the LDOC streakers. There was one person who got a jump-start on LDOC and streaked through the Milton class yesterday. That was awkward because that was a small space to streak through. It was worth it though because Cas laughed so hard, he cried.

“Are you almost ready to go?” Cas asks. “I don’t mean to rush you, but I need to be there thirty minutes early for set-up and check in.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Dean finishes getting dressed. He’s finally attending another one of Cas’s Dancing Badly classes only this one is a blend of Dancing Badly and something called H.I.I.T. Cas keeps warning Dean that it’s going to be an intense class, but Dean really wants to support Cas, so he figures he’ll just power through it.

“Okay, let’s go.” Cas heads for the door.

“Oh, wait!” Dean says.

Cas stops and looks at Dean.

Dean pulls his phone out.

Cas cocks his head to the side. Dean loves it when Cas does that. It’s just so cute.

“Picture?” Dean asks.

“Pictures.” Cas smiles.

Dean takes several pictures of them together in selfie-mode. He can’t help it. He’s just so excited for today…and he is also very tired so he’s probably being a little wacky for that reason. But Cas is very cute and that should be memorialized through picture.

Cas looks especially cute in his dance instructor outfit: black shoes, bee print socks, blue shorts, green tank top, and his bee headband. His hair’s still messy from sleep too. He tried to fix it, but it’s not cooperating and somehow that just adds to the cuteness.

“You look so good today. So cute.” Dean says.

“Thanks,” Cas grins as his face turns red. “You look nice too.”

Dean laughs. “I look like rolled-over crap, but I appreciate you lying.” He wraps an arm around Cas’s shoulders, and they walk to the gym.

When they get to the gym, Cas says, “Okay, I know you’re excited, but you’re really going to want to take it easy since this is your first time taking this class. It’s quite difficult.”

“Okay; I’ll try to hang back. I’m just excited to take another one of your classes.”

Cas smiles and kisses Dean. “You’re sweet,” Cas says. “I love you.”

Dean feels his face heat up. He kisses Cas back and says, “I love you too.”

The class is downstairs near the pool in a large room. Cas sets up and starts the class with some warm-ups: jogging, stretching, jumping jacks, and Cas teaches two dance moves. Then Cas puts on “Let It Roll” by Flo Rida and starts a routine that involves dancing and sprinting. Dean likes sprinting. A lot.

…

An hour later, Dean is throwing up in a bathroom stall. He’s sitting on his knees, clutching the—surprisingly clean—toilet-lid and hoping this will end soon.

Someone knocks on the door.

“Dean?” Cas asks. “Are you okay?”

“Yup,” Dean says. Then he pukes.

“Can I come in?” Cas asks.

Dean leans over and unlocks the door. The world spins and Dean slumps against the toilet. “If you say I told you so, I _will_ throw up all over you.” Dean says.

Cas chuckles and sits near Dean. He puts a hand on Dean’s back and rubs small circles into his shoulder with his thumb.

If this were anyone else, Dean would’ve told them to fuck off—even Charlie, who would’ve understood and told Dean the same thing while she was in the middle of throwing up—but it’s Cas who’s touching him right now while Dean’s puking his guts out…so it feels strangely good. Dean’s too nauseated to think about it too much.

Dean sits up a little and pukes again into the toilet. Somehow, hearing the sound of the puke hitting the water makes Dean puke even more. It’s not even puke, really. It’s stomach acid or something.

Dean groans. “How could you start the main exercise with a song that includes the phrase, “let the good times roll”? That’s false advertisement, Cas.”

Cas lets out a muffled laugh.

Dean turns to see that Cas is smiling at him.

Dean smiles back at Cas. Then the world spins again and he slouches forward onto Cas.

Cas catches Dean. “Dean?” Cas asks. His voice is laced with worry. “Dean? Say something, please.”

“’m okay. This feels good.” Dean says into Cas’s middle. “Just give me a second. I’ll get up.”

Dean takes a deep breath. Then another. Then another. He blinks. The world feels…better than it did two minutes ago. Dean pulls away from Cas and stands.

“See? I’m okay.” Dean says.

That’s partly true. He’s still lightheaded and he is hyperaware of every one of his body parts which all feel a little like they have been set on fire.

“Okay, let’s get you something to eat. We should’ve eaten first. I was just worried that you might throw up if we ate right before.” Cas’s eyes widen. “I don’t think you drank any water before we did this. You never drink water. Why did I think you were going to drink water?”

Dean puts his hands on Cas’s shoulders. “Cas? Look at me.”

Cas looks at Dean. His face is coated in guilt.

“Take a deep breath for me?” Dean asks.

Cas takes a deep breath.

“I’m fine. I’m an adult. I should’ve drunk water and eaten food. It was not—nor will it ever be—your responsibility to make sure I eat stuff and drink water. Okay?”

Cas nods.

“Okay, now let’s go get some breakfast.” Dean says as a shiver hits him.

“Wait. I’ll go get my sweater. I have one in my locker. Can we meet by the couches by that big window at the front of the building?” Cas asks.

“Yeah, thanks Cas.”

Cas runs out of the bathroom.

Dean feels bad that Cas is freaking out, but a small part of him likes being doted on like this. It’s nice to know that if he ever gets sick, Cas will be there to take care of him. But mostly he feels bad for freaking Cas out.

Dean flushes the toilet, washes his hands, and walks over to the couches. Cas is already there. He rushes to Dean and passes him the sweater. Dean takes the sweater and puts it on. Then he gently takes Cas’s face in his hands and says, “Thank you. This was nice of you.” Then he kisses Cas, hoping to emphasize how much he appreciates the care Cas has shown him with the kiss.

Cas kisses Dean back. “Any time, Dean.” Cas looks Dean in the eyes. “Any time for you.”

Dean hugs Cas for that. Hard. “You too, Cas.”

Cas hugs Dean back. “I know, Dean.”

…

They spend most of the day in the dorm eating garbage and watching movies. All their friends have work or assignments due today. Dean doesn’t have anything until his work-shift which is going to be shorter than usual because the library’s closing early for LDOC. He’s excited. They’re all going to meet up at the dorm to hang out.

It’s Cas’s turn to choose the movies for the movie marathon and he picks the _To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before_ series. Dean hadn’t seen them before, and he thought they were fun. They were just so gooey and sweet and romantic but also hilarious.

“These are cool. I can’t believe I didn’t try them before.” Dean says.

“I’m not much of a rom-com person either usually. Meg actually introduced me to these because she read the books a few years ago.” Cas says. “Please don’t tell her I told you that though. Despite her spiky demeanor, she’s actually the sweetest person alive, but she would probably commit murder if she found out someone spilled that particular secret.”

“Maybe that’s why she hates Crowley.”

“I _still_ don’t know why she hates Crowley. Crowley hates her too and I just can’t figure out why.”

“Did they ever…I feel weird asking this, but did they ever date?”

“I don’t think so. Crowley’s not exactly Meg’s type.” Cas shrugs.

Dean chuckles. “You’re never gonna find out.”

“I know and it is so _annoying_.” Cas collapses into Dean. “I want to _know_.”

Dean holds Cas close and kisses the top of his head. “At least they’re civil around you. You just also get to know that they hate each other.”

“That’s true. And I would prefer not to have to pick a side between them. And it’s nice that they’re not making me choose. That would suck.”

“Yeah,”

…

_Castiel_

Castiel and Dean clean Dean’s dorm. They set up the snack-station: Dean’s desk and both the dressers in the room. Dean winks at Castiel and puts a tablecloth with a bee print on the snack-station.

“Like it?” Dean asks. “I got it for our place, but I figured we could use it for today too.”

Castiel’s heart skips a beat and he feels like he could melt right on the spot. He smiles at Dean. “I love it.”

“Good. You deserve nice things.” Dean grins.

They spread out the paper-plates, napkins, and the shit-ton of chips that they bought for today.

“That really is a shit-ton of chips,” Castiel says. “Did we over-do it?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah,” then he shrugs and adds, “And even if we did, I don’t think our friends will care.”

Everyone’s supposed to get here at 4PM.

Charlie comes over at 3:50PM.

“Happy last day of classes, bitches! I come bearing gifts!” Charlie says, holding out a Walmart bag. She takes a package out of the bag and then hands the Walmart bag to Cas. “Cool snacks for the cool people.” Charlie bumps Cas’s hip with her own. Then she tosses the package at Dean. “And Dean’s dirt.”

Dean catches the package. “Yeah! Licorice!” Dean laughs. “Thanks Charlie. Just for buying this, I’ll let that dirt comment go.”

Charlie laughs and hugs Dean.

Castiel looks inside the Walmart bag. There is just _so much_ chocolate. Castiel carefully lines everything up at the snack-station.

“Wow. That’s a lot of chips guys. Thanks for putting all this together!” Charlie says.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Castiel announces before hugging Charlie who laughs and hugs him back.

Meg shows up at 4:08PM with eight pizzas. “Sorry I’m late. I was driving and all the damned pedestrians forgot how to look both ways before crossing the street.” She looks at Castiel. “More so than usual.”

Castiel nods. A lot of people here just cross the street without looking first. Meg has gotten into several verbal altercations with people who darted out in front of her car.

Crowley comes in at 4:12PM with ice cream. “Sorry I’m late. Someone tried to hit me with their car.” He says.

Meg just laughs.

“Meg, what the fuck?” Castiel asks.

“I didn’t do it. I just thought it was funny.” Meg shrugs.

“She didn’t do it. Someone in a hideous green car did it. That doesn’t match Meg’s shitty white Rogue.” Crowley says. He opens the bag up and pulls out everyone’s favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavors.

Garth and Benny walk in at 4:20PM with a couple bottles of wine and a six pack of Starbucks Frappuccino’s. Benny hands Dean the six pack and says, “All yours, brother.”

They eat the snacks and pizza and binge _The Good Place_ until Dean and Benny have to head to the library at 7PM.

A few minutes after they leave Charlie jumps up and says, “I totally forgot! If any of us haven’t drank anything yet, we can go get free t-shirts at Sadler. They do that breathalyzer thing.”

“That sounds fun,” Castiel says.

“Oops, too late for me.” Meg laughs, pulling a flask out of her jacket pocket.

“Damn, I’m going to miss the new t-shirt for this year.” Crowley says not looking up from his phone. “What a shame.”

Charlie rolls her eyes and hooks her arm and Castiel’s arm. “Looks like it’s just us. Let’s go, Cas!”

Castiel smiles and they walk to Sadler together.

…

**Dean**

“This is supposed to be a sacred place.” Dean grumbles as he and Benny pick up the papers and books that were knocked down during the incident.

“Yeah, well, Adam and Bela decided that they needed to be naked in this supposedly sacred place.” Benny chuckles.

“Did they have to mess up our desk though?”

“Yeah, I’m not thrilled about that either. Freakin’ LDOC.”

“Friggin’ streakers.”

“Don’t speak ill of the streakers, Dean.”

“You and Garth did the triathlon again; didn’t you?”

“You bet your ass we did.”

“You’re gonna get caught one day, Benny.”

“Eh,” Benny shrugs. “We didn’t today.”

Dean chuckles. “I’m glad you two have each other. You found someone who matches your weirdness.”

Benny grins. “I could say the same to you. Not that Cas was that much of a surprise. I did have to endure you mooning over him in the fall during Professor Asshat’s class.”

“Hey, Professor Asshat is your advisor.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“Why’d you pick him again?”

“I chose him first semester because he was the only English professor I’d had at that point and I didn’t know I could switch.”

“You still could.” Dean says. “Go work with Bobby or Ellen or Jody. Hell, even Rowena would be better than Chuck.”

Benny chuckles. “I love it when you call our professors by their first-names. If it were anyone else, I would assume they were just being assholes, but you’re doing it probably without even meaning to because of your parents.”

Dean frowns. “Parents?”

“Professors Singer and Singer.”

Dean feels his insides twist. He wishes they really were his parents. They are but they aren’t. They’re…found family. He found them and clung until they clung back. He feels a bit like a leech half the time.

“Nope. I know that look. Don’t go there.” Benny says.

“What?” Dean asks.

“You look like you’re gonna hurl. So, whatever you’re thinking is some form of cruelty towards yourself. Stop it. Nobody’s fucking with my best friend and that includes you too, Dean.”

Dean nods.

“They love you, dumbass. It’s probably really hard to accept that because of your dad, but you’re worth loving. Just let it happen.” Benny claps Dean on the shoulder.

Dean swipes his eyes and says, “Thanks, Benny.”

“Don’t worry about it, brother.”

“Ugh, I hate crying.” Dean says.

Benny chuckles. “I know, but is it really LDOC if one of us doesn’t cry? Last time it was Charlie. Were you upset with Charlie?”

“I get it.” Dean waves Benny off. Then he says, “Love you too, asshat.”

Benny hugs Dean. “I know.”

Dean laughs and they finish picking up all the shit Bela and Adam knocked onto the floor.

Two hours later, they’ve locked up and they head back to the dorm.

Charlie and Cas are wearing new LDOC t-shirts and as soon as they see Dean, they whisk him off to go get one. Charlie links arms with Dean on one side and Cas links arms with Dean on the other side. Then they start skipping. Dean laughs and joins them.

Twenty minutes later, Dean, Charlie, and Cas are wearing matching LDOC t-shirts. This year’s is lime green.

Then the drinking starts. Benny hands Dean the Starbucks six-pack and everyone else shares the two wine bottles.

They pop some popcorn and watch tv. Well…they try to. Nobody can decide on a show. Cas wants to watch _Nailed It!_ Crowley wants to watch “literally anything else” and that’s the first time Dean ever sees Meg agree with Crowley on anything. Cas throws popcorn at both of them for that. Dean laughs and wraps an arm around Cas.

Garth suggests _The Last Kingdom_ but Charlie insists they watch _One Day At A Time_. Benny takes Charlie’s side, but Meg takes Garth’s side. And neither Crowley nor Dean feel like watching a comedy tv-show or a historical fantasy.

“I’ve got an idea,” Dean says.

“What’s that?” Meg asks.

“Let’s go for a walk.” Dean suggests.

Cas takes Dean’s hand and Dean laces their fingers. “Yeah, let’s go for a walk.” Cas says.

That’s how they end up in the Sunken Gardens at 3AM. They’re all lying on their backs in a circle, staring at the stars, and giggling over dirty constellations they find in the sky. (Thanks Charlie.)

Dean lies there between Cas and Charlie. He feels nearly overwhelmed by how much love he feels. His eyes are full of tears and his heart aches with how much he loves the people around him and how thankful he is to have them in his life. He just has to let it out. “You know that I love you guys; right?” Dean says. “All you assholes—assholes being everyone except for Cas and Garth.”

“Love you too, shithead.” Benny laughs.

“Love you too, asshat.” Charlie bumps Dean’s shoulder.

“Love you too, Deano. You’re good to Cas. I’ll kill you if you hurt him though.” Meg says.

“I know you will,” Dean grins.

That’s one of the reasons why he loves Meg; she’s good to Cas.

“Yeah, buddy!” Garth laughs. “Wait, you still love me; right?”

“Yeah. You and Cas are loved; you’re just not assholes.” Dean explains.

“I want to be an asshole,” Cas says.

Dean laughs and leans his face against Cas’s shoulder.

“Cas, you are so not an asshole.” Charlie says.

“You haven’t seen him Black Friday shop yet. Cas here is a huge asshole.” Meg says.

“Thanks, Meg.” Cas giggles and Dean’s heart just about flies out of his chest because it is the cutest sound he has ever heard.


	33. Conversations in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: references to child abuse, foul language

**Dean**

Gabriel negotiates an earlier move-in time with someone in charge of the apartment complex, so Dean and Cas move in on the last day of finals AKA May, 5th. All their friends help them move in: Charlie, Crowley, Benny, Meg, Garth, and Gabriel and Jo also swing by to help. It’s a busy hour as they transfer all the stuff they already had from the two dorms and unpack. Then the real adventure begins. They all pile into cars and go to Walmart to pick up items they had ordered online. They split into teams. Gabriel, Benny, Charlie, and Garth go to put the couch in the bed of Garth’s truck. Crowley and Meg help Cas gather the appliances that Cas bought; Dean’s still not sure what all Cas bought. Before parting ways, Dean pulls Cas aside and kisses him. Cas chuckles and pulls Dean into his arms, dips him, and smiles before kissing him. If Dean forgets how to breathe in those moments, that’s Dean’s business.

“Really guys?” Benny laughs. “You’re only gonna be apart for maybe an hour.”

“You join a different team than Garth and then you can judge us.” Dean replies.

Cas laughs and waves at Dean before walking over to Crowley and Meg.

“Well Dean, you got me there.” Benny still flips Dean off as he says it.

Dean flips him off back.

“Friendship,” Charlie laughs.

“Your friends are weird, Dean.” Jo says. “I like them.”

Dean laughs and hugs Jo. He missed this little shit when she was at Tech.

“Missed you too, idjit.” Jo hugs Dean back.

“Okay, Team Find Stuff To Buy For The Kitchen! Let’s go!” Charlie says.

They spend an hour finding dishware and kitchen items. There are five bee items and Dean is honestly surprised he found them.

They have a movie-night packed together in the apartment. There’s only room for three people on the couch and Garth, Benny, and Gabriel called dibs since they transported it to the apartment and hauled it up the stairs because it didn’t fit in the elevator. Everyone else is sprawled out on the floor. Dean’s in the middle of it all. He’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch under where Garth sits with his legs criss-crossed. Cas is lying on the floor with his knees up and his torso in Dean’s lap. Dean’s running his fingers through Cas’s hair. Charlie fell asleep an hour ago with her face resting against Dean’s shoulder. She’s snoring…sometimes loudly and Dean’s having trouble not laughing about it. It’s right in his ear, but he doesn’t want to make too much noise and wake Charlie up. Beside Charlie, is Jo who is asleep, curled in a ball underneath a blanket that Gabriel dropped over her thirty minutes ago. Dean watched Gabriel do it and was glad that at least Cas had Gabriel to get him through his shitty childhood. Dean figures if the guy does something nice like that for someone he met today then he probably did other nice stuff for Cas growing up…at least that’s how Cas makes it sound. He’s not exactly chatty about his childhood. And Dean doesn’t blame him. Obviously. To Dean’s left is Meg who is asleep with her legs propped over Cas’s knees. Beside Meg is Crowley who is sitting on the floor, watching the movie. That’s better than fifteen minutes ago when he suggested that they draw on Meg’s face with a permanent marker.

Dean feels a gentle hand on his wrist, and he looks to see Cas staring up at him.

“What?” Dean asks. He can’t help but smile. There’s just something so soft in Cas’s expression.

“Welcome home,” Cas smiles.

Dean’s heart speeds up and he can’t help but grin. He has a home. “Welcome home, Cas. I would kiss you, but I don’t want to make Charlie fall on her face.”

“Yes, let’s not do that to Charlie. It would be cruel.” Cas replies. His smile is just so soft.

“I love you, ya dork.”

“I love you too, fellow dork.”

…

_Castiel_

May 9

Castiel looks for Meg after her Psychology major graduation ceremony is over. It has been raining all day, so the major ceremonies were held inside different buildings on campus.

Meg struts over to Castiel. She’s wearing combat boots under her graduation robe; Castiel can hear her distinct stomp and smiles. Meg really went all out today despite her need to “rebel” a little bit with the boots. Her long dark hair is in a braid. It looks nice. She’s probably wearing her usual attire under the robes and did just enough for “nice” pictures for her parents.

“You did it!” Castiel says, hugging Meg tightly. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Shut up.” Meg laughs. “I cannot believe they held this thing in the fucking gym. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?”

“I don’t know, but at least you got to have the outdoor ceremony yesterday. That was the big one.”

“I’m really sorry you couldn’t go yesterday. I wanted to get you a ticket, but I ran out.”

“It’s okay, Meg. You still get to go to mine next year.”

Meg grins. “I’m glad. I’ll dress up and everything.” Meg undoes her braid and removes her robe to reveal her usual all-black outfit.

“Isn’t it a little hot for a leather jacket?” Castiel asks.

“The price of fashion Cas, catch up.” Meg winks.

Castiel just laughs.

…

**Dean**

It’s May 9th and Dean’s writing fanfiction while he waits up for Cas who’s out celebrating Meg’s graduation with Meg.

There’s a knock on the apartment door. Dean answers the door to find Meg propping Cas up with one arm around his waist and one of his arms around her shoulders.

“Dean!” Cas says in a _loud_ voice. He pulls away from Meg and stumbles over to Dean.

Dean catches Cas just as he falls over. “Are you two okay?” Dean asks.

“Yeah. We had the best time!” Meg shouts. _She_ nearly falls backwards, and Dean grabs her arm to steady her.

“You good?” Dean asks.

“You’re so pretty, Dean.” Cas says right in Dean’s ear.

“I should probably sit down.” Meg walks over to the couch.

“That’s a good idea.” Dean replies.

“So beautiful. So smart.” Cas says.

Cas and Meg both smell sweet like alcohol and also…something kind of fruity? Like they drank something with cherries or strawberries in it.

Dean decides that’s not really important right now.

“Hey Meg, do you want to stay here tonight?” Dean asks. He can’t remember if Cas mentioned whether or not Meg was staying over tonight.

He can’t exactly ask _Cas_ right now.

“That would be fantastic, but I don’t have any clothes to wear except these ones. Can I borrow some?” Meg replies.

“You can borrow my cat ones.” Cas says before dropping his head onto Dean’s shoulder.

“I _love_ the cat ones! Thank you!” Meg yells.

“Okay. And Meg? Say goodnight to Cas. He’s about to fall asleep on me.” Dean says.

“Night, Cas-tee-el.” Meg says.

“Night Meg.” Cas mumbles. He leans more against Dean and the next thing Dean knows, they’re both on the floor.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks Cas as he looks him over for injuries.

“I’m fine. Just tired.” Cas says.

“Okay, do you want me to carry you?”

“Yes,”

“Okay, one, two, three.” Dean picks Cas up bridal-style and carries him into the bedroom. He gently lays him on the bed and says, “I’ll be back. I need to bring Meg the pajamas. Can I go through your drawer or should I just give her some of my clothes instead?”

“Go through the drawer.” Cas curls up on the bed.

Dean carefully digs through Cas’s drawer for the cat pajamas. While he’s digging, he comes across a paper with a bunch of words and scratch-marks on it. Dean puts that back where he found it and continues searching. Dean would flip if Cas looked through something he had written without his permission, so he sure as hell isn’t doing that to Cas.

Finally, Dean finds the requested pajamas and a spare towel. He walks back into the living room and puts the towel on the coffee-table. He hands Meg the pajamas and says, “The towel is for whenever you want a shower; everything in the bathroom is free to use. Feel free to eat anything you find in the kitchen and please use the tv if you want, but please keep it down. Can I get you anything else?”

“I’m really glad you’re with Castiel.” Meg smiles and she’s staring over Dean’s shoulder like she maybe sees three Deans instead of just the one. “He needed someone good and _you’re_ so good, Dean. To him. To everyone around you really. I don’t know how you do it.” Meg shakes her head. “But you still do it. You two were,” she scrunches her face together like she’s trying to think. “You weren’t _made_ for each other. Not at all. But you…you complete each other maybe. It’s like, everything you don’t have, _he_ has, and everything he doesn’t have, _you_ have. At least from an outsider’s perspective.”

“I’m really glad you support us. I love him a lot. It means a lot that you as his best friend support this relationship.”

“Of course, if you hurt him, I _will_ gut you like a fish.”

Dean nods. “Understood.” He walks to the bedroom. “Goodnight, Meg.”

“Goodnight, Dean.” Meg says in a sing-songy voice.

Dean chuckles and shakes his head.

He gets to the room and finds Cas curled in a ball in the middle of the bed.

Dean walks over and gently shakes Cas’s shoulder. “Hey, let’s get you in some pj’s. You’ll be more comfortable.”

Cas sits up and latches onto Dean’s arm. “Don’t wanna. Wanna sleep now.”

“Can I at least take your shoes off for you?” Dean asks.

Cas nods and Dean takes Cas’s shoes off.

“Let’s sleep.” Cas says.

Dean gets in bed, fully clothed and Cas curls up beside Dean, wrapping an arm around him. Dean makes sure not to initiate any contact while Cas is drunk, but he allows Cas to hug him like this. It’s nice. Cas is out in like, two seconds. Dean chuckles and listens to his boyfriend’s steady breathing. And eventually, Dean falls asleep too.

…

_Castiel_

June 27

Dean has been on edge all day. Sam’s coming here tomorrow to visit for a week and Dean has spent the past _two_ weeks doing what Castiel can only describe as panic-cleaning. Dean has started doing all of the chores and sometimes goes behind Castiel and redoes the chores he does, he has planned several meals and alternative meals for the whole week, he rearranged the pantry three times, rearranged the spices four times: in order of use, alphabetically, in order of expiration date, and then he put it back to being in order of use because he found that organization to be more efficient…in order of use _is_ more efficient, but Castiel doesn’t want Dean to spend all his time panic-cleaning. It’s not healthy.

Dean changed the bookshelves too. He undid the rainbow shelves and put them in order of author last name. Castiel cried the first time he saw that. Castiel’s pretty sure that Dean noticed because when he got back from lunch with Gabriel that afternoon, the bookshelves were rainbow shelves once again and Dean had put his bi-pride rug under the coffee-table in the living room and Castiel’s rainbow mug was sitting on the coffee-table with colorful pens in it. Dean never said anything about it and neither did Castiel.

Castiel’s worried. He knows Dean wants to make a good impression for Sam, but he’s worried that he’s putting too much pressure on the visit.

Like right now when Castiel can hear Dean sobbing in the bathroom. The sound is muffled like Dean’s pressing his face against a towel or something, but Castiel would know that sound anywhere.

Castiel makes some coffee and puts a tablespoon of sugar and two tablespoons of Funfetti creamer in it; just like Dean likes it. Castiel makes himself a cup too and uses the caramel macchiato creamer in his. He puts _a lot_ of creamer in his.

Castiel puts Dean’s mug on the coffee-table and drinks his own cup of coffee while he pretends to browse their bookshelves and not listen to his boyfriend cry.

When Dean walks out of the bathroom, Castiel says, “I made you some coffee.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean replies. His voice is scratchy, and the sound hurts Castiel’s heart.

Castiel’s still facing the bookshelf and waits a few seconds to turn around and look at Dean. He needs to approach him carefully about this.

Castiel looks at Dean and sees his blotchy face, bloodshot eyes, and shaking smile.

Fuck it.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asks.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Dean says immediately.

Shit. Too heavy-handed.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.

Castiel tries to smile at Dean and changes the subject by asking, “What do you want to watch with dinner?”

“I don’t know.” Dean sounds so tired. “Was there anything you wanted to watch? We could re-watch _Nailed It!_ if you want.”

Castiel feels like someone is squeezing his heart. He sits on the couch and says, “Let’s browse.”

Dean sits beside Castiel.

“Can we cuddle?” Castiel asks.

Dean doesn’t answer right away. He looks lost in thought. His face is scrunched up and he seems to be biting his inner-cheek, but Castiel can’t quite tell.

“Dean?” Castiel whispers.

“I’m not okay, Cas.” Dean admits. “I want to be, but I’m not.” Dean sniffles and puts his mug on the coffee-table. “What if this week sucks and he never talks to me again? I just,” Dean’s voice breaks. “It’s so pathetic, but I really want him to like being here,” Dean lets out a shaky breath. “I just—I _really_ want him to like me. I want him to want to be my brother.” Dean drops his face into his hands. “I don’t know what to do.” He lets out a small sob.

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel gathers Dean into his arms.

Dean hugs Castiel back and buries his face in Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel can feel Dean’s tears soak into his t-shirt.

“I don’t—I don’t—I don’t wanna lose him again.” Dean sobs.

Castiel hugs Dean tightly and rubs small circles into his back. “I know,” Castiel says. “If I may speak candidly, I really don’t think you’re going to lose him. It always sounds like you two get along so well in your conversations. And he’s coming here during his summer break. That’s a big deal, Dean. That means he already likes having you as his brother. Also, you have already planned out every meal for the entire visit, you’ve scheduled events and meetings with friends and all sorts of other preparations. You have made it very clear that you care. He will feel that. I don’t know if he’s going to stay—not for sure. But I would be surprised if he ceased all contact with you. I imagine this is very scary for you though because you don’t know what will happen yet. And your feelings are valid. I’m not trying to tell you to stop feeling them. I’m just saying that I do think that it will be okay. But for now, please cry all you need to. It’s safe to cry here.”

Eventually, Dean calms down and hugs Castiel a little tighter before saying, “Thanks.”

“Any time, my love.”

“You’re too good to me, Cas.”

“No. I’m not. You deserve even more kindness and love than I can bring you. I am in fact, a poor substitute for what you deserve, but I am ever so happy and honored to be the one to love you in this capacity.”

“If that’s the case, then let’s meet in the middle and say that you are exactly what I need.”

Castiel’s heart melts and he kisses Dean’s cheek. “And you are exactly what _I_ need.”

They sit in silence for a few beats, just holding each other. Then Castiel has an idea.

“Can I show you a song?” Castiel asks.

“Yeah; I like your song recommendations.” Dean says.

Castiel doesn’t know how to tell Dean this song is not a recommendation, but rather a message. He lets go of Dean and pulls his phone out. He holds out his free hand to Dean. Dean smiles and takes Castiel’s hand in his, lacing their fingers. Castiel uses one hand to load Spotify and pull up his Dean playlist. He selects “Conversations in the Dark” by John Legend and turns it up.

He watches Dean as the song plays. He hopes Dean likes the song…he hopes Dean likes what Castiel’s trying to tell him.

_“_ _And you say that you're not worth it  
You get hung up on your flaws  
Well, in my eyes you are perfect  
As you are.”_

Dean’s eyes widen at that stanza. He freezes.

Then the chorus plays, and Dean looks right into Castiel’s eyes. His green eyes are welling up with tears and Castiel regrets playing the song. He didn’t want Dean to cry. He _should’ve known_ Dean would cry. He just wanted to tell Dean that he loves him. He wanted to make Dean a promise through the song.

When John Legend sings about blowing off all his plans to be with his beloved, Dean gives Castiel’s hand a gentle squeeze and smiles a wobbly smile at him. Castiel smiles and squeezes Dean’s hand back.

When the song’s over, Dean says, “I won’t break yours either, Cas.” His green eyes are shining with tears and his bottom lip is quivering. “I promise.”

“Dean, everything you do, it’s for love…or a general wish to make the world a better place for others.” Castiel says, putting his phone in his pocket. “I know how you see yourself. I know you zoom in on your insecurities, but Dean, that’s _not_ what the rest of us see.” Castiel gently takes his hand out of Dean’s and cradles Dean’s face with both hands. “That’s probably not what your brother sees. It’s certainly not what Charlie and Benny and Jo and Bobby—and no, fuck it. They’re your parents, Dean. They _want_ you. _We all_ want you.” Castiel gently wipes away the tears that are now streaming down Dean’s face. “And we’re lucky to have you in our lives. You…you radiate love and goodness, and you want to spend your whole life helping people. That is the career path you have chosen—and yes, there is the problem in the library field of romanticization of the job—but that’s not what we’re talking about and honestly, I don’t think that’s what you’re going to do. You ask questions. You push for things to be better. That’s all you do. You just…you’re so giving. And kind. Dean, it’s so hard to find people who are genuinely kind, but _you_ are kind. And thoughtful. And you write all those memos on the fridge to help you remember important things. And I know that you found my poem when you were rummaging through my clothes after Meg and I got drunk after she graduated, but you didn’t read it. You’re,” Castiel searches for the words. He struggles to find them, and he finally says, “You’re the most selfless, loving person I’ve ever met. I’ll never meet anyone with as big a heart as you have. I just know it, Dean.”

“You haven’t lived that long, Cas.” Dean jokes in a crackling voice.

Castiel smiles and shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. I could live a thousand lifetimes and never meet anyone as good and kind as you.”

“Cas,” Dean pulls his face out of Castiel’s hands and then he hugs Castiel. “Sometimes it feels like you’re my guardian angel.”

“Nah, no wings. Can’t fly.” Castiel replies.

Dean laughs and hugs Castiel tighter. “You’re such a shit. And I love you so much. You’re so…so inquisitive. You ask questions too and you don’t settle for injustice. You call anyone out on their bullshit—myself included—and I’m a better person for it. You love fiercely, but you’re so gentle. The way you hold me in your arms is just,” Dean’s voice cracks. “There are no words.” Dean laughs but it’s uneven. “You’ve got the writer fresh out of words. You’re so kind and endearing. You’re such a dork and I love you for it. I love that you wear your bee outfits and despite all the shit you went through because of your father, you’re unapologetically you. Most days. I know you have bad days too. But man, you’re so fucking brave. You’re probably the best person I’ve ever met—but don’t tell Charlie I said that.”

Castiel laughs even though tears are streaming down his face and he’s having trouble breathing past the lump building in his throat.

“I love just spending time in bed with you. Just holding you or being held. And, I love talking to you. Hell, I even tolerate silence as long as it’s you I’m being silent with.” Dean pulls away and kisses Castiel. It’s wet. They’re both crying. And then Dean pulls away and says, “I’m never going to meet anyone else like you either. There’s no one else who’s so…so honest and bold and thoughtful. And I am so grateful to whatever it was that made us get to know each other.”

“Some combination of my peppermint mocha and your kindness. I never would’ve gotten the courage to talk to you had that not happened.” Castiel admits.

Dean smiles and shakes his head. “Friggin’ peppermint.”

Before Castiel can ask about peppermint, Dean kisses him again. Castiel kisses Dean back.

_“_ _I will never try to change you, change you  
I will always want the same you, same you  
Swear on everything I pray to  
That I won't break your heart  
I'll be there when you get lonely, lonely  
Keep the secrets that you told me, told me  
And your love is all you owe me  
And I won't break your heart.”_

…

_More Songs From Castiel’s Dean Playlist:_

“Come And Get Your Love” – Redbone

“Blinding Lights” -The Weekend

“Simple Song” -The Shins

“If Ever I Stray” -Frank Turner

“Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)” -The Amazing Devil

“Your Love” – William Cas

“It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” – R.E.M.

“This Modern Love” -Bloc Party

“Club Can’t Handle Me” -Flo Rida and David Guetta

“Something Just Like This” -The Chainsmokers and Coldplay

“You” -benny blanco, Marshmello, Vance Joy

“Let It Roll” -Flo Rida

“I Need You” -Tomo

“maybe, I’m afraid” -lovelytheband

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left after this one!!:D


	34. Popcorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, it’s your friendly neighborhood perfectionist coming at you live from an undisclosed location to bring you the next chapter of this fic! :)
> 
> Trigger warnings: references to child abuse, foul language

**Dean**

It’s 11:23AM on Monday June 28th and Sammy should be arriving in an hour. Although Cas’s comforting words the night before did help Dean feel better, Dean still feels like his brain is on fire and his body is run by electricity right now. Dean has spent the day deep-cleaning the apartment and Cas…oh kind, understanding Cas, has been helping him. Cas tackled the bathroom. Dean took care of the kitchen. Cas cleaned his car inside and out. Dean ran around the living room dusting and spraying air freshener everywhere and then opening the window and trying to air the apartment out because he sprayed too much air freshener. Cas vacuumed. Dean reorganized the spices again.

Now, Dean has spent the last ten minutes pacing around the apartment, looking for…well, Dean doesn’t even know what he’s looking for. Something to clean? Something to do? Something to accomplish? Something— _anything_ —to fill his time before his brother arrives.

Dean feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he turns to see Cas standing near him. Cas opens his arms. Dean doesn’t think, he just collapses into Cas, clinging to him. Cas hugs him. Tightly. It’s what Cas always does when Dean’s afraid. Somehow, being held like this makes everything at least the tiniest bit less scary because at least Cas is here.

Dean doesn’t understand why he’s so nervous. He wants—no he needs—this to go well. He’s not even entirely sure why. Is it to avenge the brotherly relationship that was snatched away from him as a child? Is it because it sounds like Mary’s only an okay mom to Sammy and Dean wants to make sure that Sammy knows that Dean and Cas are people that he can turn to should he ever want or need to? Is it because of Sammy at all or is this all Dean? Dean and Sammy get along well. They have a text chain for the geek stuff that they’re both into. They have bi-weekly calls on Thursdays while Sammy’s at his local library and he’s taking a study break. They get along well. They’re…maybe not brothers quite yet, but they’re definitely friends. Logically, this week should go well.

Cas hugs Dean for a while before saying, “Let’s watch something. I’ll make coffee and popcorn. Do you want to pick something?”

Dean feels warm all over and kisses Cas on the lips. Cas _gets_ him. Dean’s not sure why Cas picked Dean but he’s so glad that he did. “I love you.” Dean says as he pulls away.

“I know.” Cas winks at Dean as he makes his way to the kitchen.

Dean’s heart melts and he feels a bit of the weight he’s carrying fall away…not a lot of it…just a little. But it’s still enough to feel some relief. Dean grabs the remote, puts Cas’s favorite episode of _Nailed It!_ on, and turns it up so Cas can hear it.

“Is my favorite episode of _Nailed It!_ really what _you_ want to watch right now?” Cas calls from the kitchen.

Dean loves that Cas figured out which episode it was in under two minutes.

“I want to see you happy. Does this episode make you happy?” Dean calls back.

“Seeing you watching your favorite thing would make me happier.” Cas replies.

Dean feels a bit of brain-freeze. Wait. Dean can’t do the thing that makes _him_ happy because he wants to do something nice for _Cas_ , but now Cas is saying that Dean doing something nice for himself would make him happier. And Dean does not quite know how to process that despite the numerous times they’ve had essentially this exact conversation.

“It’s your turn to pick something anyway, so you might as well pick something for yourself since I will probably choose _Nailed It!_ the next time it’s my turn.” Cas adds.

Dean’s not sure why, but the addition makes him relax. Cas can’t fix whatever it is that’s wrong with Dean, but he has definitely learned how to work around it.

Before Dean can reply, the fire-alarm goes off right as Cas shouts, “Holy motherfucking fire! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fucking! Motherfucking shit-fuck!”

Dean’s in the kitchen before Cas says the second “fuck” and he’s greeted by a microwave that is _on fire_ and Cas who is struggling with the fire extinguisher.

Dean’s heart jumps in his chest and he is at Cas’s side in seconds, putting his body between Cas and the on-fire-microwave.

“Need help?” Dean shouts over the fire-alarm.

“Yeah,” Cas hands Dean the fire-extinguisher.

Dean takes the fire-extinguisher and puts the fire out.

Cas disengages the fire-alarm.

“What happened?” Dean asks. He can hardly hear himself think over the pounding of his heart.

There’s a thin layer of smoke dissipating in the air. The smell is terrible. It’s all melted metal and plastic and…is that popcorn?

Dean looks at Cas. His face is red and he’s hugging himself.

“I was making popcorn and the thing caught fire.” Cas replies. His voice is unsteady and there’s something…there’s something _off_ about it and he won’t look at Dean. “I’m so sorry. This is horrible timing.”

Dean puts his hand on Cas’s shoulder.

Cas flinches and Dean feels cold.

Dean takes his hand off Cas’s shoulder. “Talk to me, Cas.” Dean whispers, unable to stop himself from fiddling with the front of his t-shirt.

Cas shakes his head. He leans back and grips the countertop behind him. He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths.

Dean waits. He rocks from his heel to toe, toe to heel. Then he realizes what he’s doing and stops only to find himself doing it all again a few minutes later. He also starts tapping his fingers on the side of his leg.

He doesn’t want Cas to feel unsafe here but he’s not sure what’s wrong. He assumes it has something to do with Cas’s childhood, but he feels bad for guessing that because Cas could be upset for literally any reason, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about his father and the estate and the now forbidden Garden.

Finally, Cas says, “I know you wanted today to be perfect and now we’ve got a melted microwave in the kitchen. I’m sorry for the added stress.”

Dean blinks. “This stuff happens, Cas. It’s okay.”

Dean wishes Cas would look at him so he could show him with his facial expression that he’s not lying. Cas always knows when Dean’s lying. Always.

Cas shakes his head. “I fucked up.”

“We can always get a new microwave, Cas. I’m just glad you’re not hurt.” Dean blinks. “Wait. You’re _not_ hurt…right? You’d tell me if you were hurt right now; wouldn’t you?” Dean scans Cas for injuries. He doesn’t see any…that doesn’t mean they aren’t there though.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you really fine or just saying that?”

“I am uninjured.”

Dean feels relief wash over him and is surprised to feel tears prick his eyes. He looks away from Cas and hugs himself. He’s not sure what he would do if Cas got hurt. He can’t even _think_ about it without wanting to cry.

“Dean?” Cas asks.

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

“Are you okay?”

Dean nods.

“No, you’re not.” Cas says.

Dean blinks.

Well…Cas isn’t wrong.

“I was just worried.” Dean looks at Cas. “I’m glad you’re uninjured.”

Cas tilts his head to the side and squints his eyes at Dean. “So…you’re more upset about me possibly getting hurt than the partly-melted microwave?”

What the hell, Cas?

Did Cas really…really not think that Dean cared more about him than the microwave? Surely Cas knows that he is of more value than a freakin’ microwave.

Well…just in case he doesn’t, Dean better tell him.

Times like these make Dean really wish he could punch Cas’s father in the face. Cas wouldn’t think this shit if it weren’t for him…Cas probably wants to kick the shit out of Dean’s dad too sometimes.

“Um…Dean?” Cas’s voice is so small.

Dean has to blink back tears before he can look at Cas again. Then he starts talking.

“Yeah, of course I am. Cas, I care about _you_. Not the microwave. I mean, I don’t love the smell and we should probably take Sammy out to eat for lunch so this place can air out a little—if we can figure out how to do that without opening the window too much—but I would much rather smell this smell for the rest of my life than have you get hurt just now.”

“But I fucked up.” Cas’s voice cracks and he looks away from Dean again.

“Okay, sure, setting a microwave on fire is a way to fuck up, but I don’t care that you fucked up, Cas. People make mistakes. _You’re_ a person. Remember that conversation we had a few months ago when I was apologizing for crying and you pointed out that I’m a person and I wouldn’t have been mad at someone for crying in front of me?”

Cas nods.

“Let me rephrase your words. Would you be mad at me if our roles were reversed?” Dean asks. “Would the microwave be more important to you than my safety?”

“Well…no,” Cas says in a quiet voice.

“So why are there different rules for you than there are for me?” Dean asks. “Why are you less worthy of protection and concern than I am?”

Cas shrugs.

He still won’t look at Dean.

“I’m not mad at you, Cas. Mistakes were made but I’m not mad at you. I’m just glad you’re okay.” Dean says.

Cas takes a deep breath. Then he takes three more deep breaths.

Dean waits. He waits for Cas to look at him…to explain what’s going through his head because Dean’s not really sure and he just wants to hug him and tell him everything’s going to be okay, but he can’t do that right now because right now Cas doesn’t want to be touched. So, Dean’s keeping his distance and hoping his words will be enough to reassure Cas that everything will be okay.

“I haven’t really done anything this…this _stupid_ in front of you before.” Cas whispers.

“What did you think I was gonna do, Cas?” Dean’s afraid to ask.

“I don’t know…I just…I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I was at the estate and I did something like this.” Cas’s mouth shakes as he talks.

Oh.

Dean’s eyes fill with tears, but he swipes them away. “Cas, I will never hurt you. I will never raise a hand to you. We’re both gonna mess up. We’re gonna get into arguments. But no one will be hurling abuse at the other. I will never do that to you. I swear on…on…Cas I don’t believe in anything enough to swear on, but I will spend every day of my life proving to you that you’re safe with me. You told me yesterday that I am safe here—with you—you’re safe with me too. And for the record, I don’t need to touch you. I know you’ve been edging away from me. I don’t need to touch you, Cas. I could go my whole life without touching you as long as it means you know that you’re safe with me. Any time you don’t want to be touched, please tell me. It doesn’t count as comforting you if you don’t want it.”

Cas nods.

Then his face crumbles and he lets out a sob. Then another. And another. Cas sinks to the ground and all Dean can do is watch as Cas cries on the floor.

“Just let it out, Cas. This is a safe place to cry.” Dean says past the lump building in his throat.

Cas hugs his knees to his chest and cries harder.

Dean sits on the floor a few feet away from Cas. Not close enough to touch…just close enough to be here with Cas.

When Cas calms down, he looks at Dean and says, “The floor’s very clean. You did a good job in here. At least in the places where there’s no fire-extinguisher foam.”

Dean’s heart swells and he smiles so widely his mouth hurts. “I love you.”

Cas lets out a wet laugh and says, “I love you too.”

Then Cas takes a deep breath and crawls over to Dean. He sits so close to him that their thighs touch, and Cas drops his head onto Dean’s shoulder. “Please touch me.” Cas whispers as he wraps his arms around Dean’s middle.

Dean wraps an arm around Cas, pulling him close. He plants a kiss on Cas’s cheek; it’s still wet with tears.

“I can’t believe I did that. I may be cursed. Can’t even pop popcorn.” Cas mumbles.

“What happened anyway?” Dean asks.

“I don’t know. I put it on the popcorn setting.”

“Ah, there’s your mistake. Never put it on the popcorn setting. I narrowly avoided setting off the fire-alarm freshman year because I trusted a popcorn setting. Never again.”

“Why’s it there then?”

“I have no idea.”

“Whoever made it is an asshole.”

Dean laughs.

Cas laughs too.

They fall into a comfortable silence. Then Dean says, “Hey, Cas?”

“Yeah?” Cas asks.

“I just want you to know. I’d rather have you; cursed or not. I’d rather have you.”

“Even though I can’t pop popcorn? And I need to replace our microwave?”

“I don’t need popcorn. And I don’t need a microwave. I just need you, dear heart.”

“I love that you call me that.”

“You _are_ the dearest heart. It’s a fitting nickname. And I know how much you love The Amazing Devil, so if it’s good enough for them then it’s good enough for me.”

“I need to come up with something for you. Teammate doesn’t quite have the right ring to it. And it suggests there’s an enemy. Who are we competing against?”

“Well, life is a beauty contest and dammit if you and I aren’t winning.”

Cas bursts out laughing.

Dean grins.

Mission accomplished.

They stay like this for a while…just holding on to each other.

Then Dean’s phone plays “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas. “Oh, there’s Sammy.” Dean says, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He holds it with his left hand, so he doesn’t have to let go of Cas. “Hey, Sammy.” Dean says into the phone. He puts his phone on speaker and adds, “You’re on speaker with Cas and me.”

“Hey, Dean. Hi Cas.” Sammy says.

“Hi Sam,” Cas says.

“I’m in a taxi. I’ll be there in about an hour, I guess.” Sammy says.

Dean grins. As absolutely terrifying as this week is, Dean’s really excited to see his little brother. “Hey, so what’s your favorite restaurant?” Dean asks.

“Uh, I dunno. Okay, this is weird, but I’ve got this craving for pancakes. Mom only lets me eat healthy food.” Sammy says.

Dean tries to ignore the twinge in his heart at the thought of his mom. He shakes it off and says, “There are at least four places I can think of that you might like, so you are in luck, kiddo.”

Sammy chuckles. “Cool. I’ll see you two later.”

“See you later,” Cas says.

“See you soon, Sammy.” Dean replies.

“Hey, Dean?” Sammy asks.

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

“I’m really looking forward to this. It’s gonna be nice spending time with you two.” Sammy says.

Dean tries to ignore the lump building in his throat. “I’m excited to see you too, Sammy.” Dean replies.

“I am as well, Sam.” Cas adds. “I have enjoyed our conversations and Dean speaks very highly of you.”

“You should hear him talk about you. Never heard someone so in love.” Sammy chuckles.

Dean feels his face heat up.

“All right, I’m gonna go. Got some reading to do.” Sammy says.

“Yeah? What are you reading?” Dean asks.

“I like rom-coms, so I’m reading this book called _Red, White & Royal Blue_ by Casey McQuiston. I’m almost finished.” Sammy replies.

“Good choice.” Dean grins. “Have fun reading.”

 _“Yes!”_ Cas adds.

“Clearly we all need to talk about this when I get there. Bye Dean, bye Cas.” Sammy laughs.

“Bye Sam,” Cas says.

“Bye Sammy,” Dean says.

Sammy hangs up.

Cas kisses Dean.

“What was that for?” Dean asks.

Cas winks. “Don’t worry about it.” He stands and offers Dean his hand. “Let’s go my love, we have some cleaning to do.”

Dean feels his entire body flush as he takes Cas’s hand and Cas pulls him to his feet. He kisses Cas.

“What was that for?” Cas asks.

Dean smirks and says, “Don’t worry about it.”

Dean goes to the closet to find the right tools to clean up the mess in the kitchen thinking about how he is definitely going to marry this man who wrecked their kitchen. One day.

Sammy arrives an hour later and at that point the smell isn’t as bad. They go out for lunch at one of the pancake houses that Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Dean went to last summer.

“Oh, _yes!_ These are exactly what I needed!” Sammy exclaims through a mouthful of pancake.

Dean grins.

“Did you finish the book?” Cas asks.

“Yeah. Gosh, I cried so many times reading that thing.” Sammy says.

“Right?” Dean replies.

“What was everyone’s favorite part?” Sammy asks.

“I like the cake incident at the beginning. It was a funny sort of meet-ugly only they’d already met, but it’s what started the story.” Dean answers.

“Yeah, I bet you like meet-uglies.” Sammy smirks.

“What makes you say that?” Cas tilts his head to the side.

Sammy looks from Cas to Dean to Cas and says, “Your meeting was a meet-ugly.”

“We met in class.” Dean says.

“Yeah, and Alex and Henry don’t meet during the cake incident. But like you said, it was the incident that led to their relationship in the book. Just like your peppermint mocha incident was the catalyst for your relationship.” Sammy explains.

Oh.

Dean’s surprised he hadn’t already made that connection.

“Wow. You are absolutely right.” Cas looks at Dean and asks, “How did we miss this?”

Dean laughs, “I don’t know.”

It’s a good day.

…

July 1st

_Castiel_

It’s the fourth day of Sam’s visit and Charlie’s here. She has been texting Castiel all week to find a good day to “drop in spontaneously” so she can meet Dean’s little brother. She also told Dean yesterday that she was in town and hoping to meet Sam. Dean invited her over immediately. Castiel thinks that makes sense because Charlie is both Dean’s best friend and essentially his sister. _Of course_ , Dean would want her to meet Sam. It’s a good thing they got to meet too; the two have really hit it off. Charlie and Sam appear to be interested in the same things which allows for bonding.

“Okay, there’s no way we can do a scary movie marathon without including _IT._ Like, we at least have to include Part 2.” Charlie says.

“That is true.” Dean does a nod like he’s giving sage advice.

The sight warms Castiel’s heart and he finds himself reaching for Dean’s hand. Dean winks at Castiel and laces their fingers.

“Absolutely not. I will not watch anything with clowns in it.” Sam says.

“Okay; serious question—no one will make fun of you. Are you scared of clowns?” Dean asks.

Sam looks everywhere except Dean, Charlie, and Castiel before nodding.

“Okay, no clown movies.” Dean says.

“Yeah, that would make _IT_ an extra level of scary for you which really isn’t fair—especially since the first one isn’t very scary if you’re not afraid of clowns.” Charlie adds.

“What scary movies do you like?” Castiel asks.

“That’s the problem. I don’t really watch ‘em.” Sam shrugs.

“Okay, let’s find something else then.” Dean says.

They wind up having a _Star Wars_ marathon. Everyone sets up for it. Castiel makes coffee. Sam gets out the candy and pours the contents of the various bags into assorted bowls. Charlie grabs the pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream she brought and a spoon for everyone. Charlie brought everyone’s favorites: Cold-Brew for Dean, Strawberry Cheesecake for Charlie, Sweet Like Sugar for Sam, and Everything But The… for Castiel. He’s still confused about what the … is supposed to represent, but he appreciates the chaos of this particular ice cream flavor. Dean pops the popcorn with the microwave Castiel bought three days ago.

Charlie sits in the chair on the left side of the room. Sam sits on the chair on the right side of the room. The coffee table is lined with snacks. Castiel finds himself on the couch with Dean lying mostly in his lap. Castiel’s running his fingers through Dean’s hair and glancing from the movie to Charlie’s and Sam’s faces. He feels warm and so blessed to be here. He never really thought he would get to have this: someone to love, a room full of people who are willing to spend time with him, and a safe home to call his own. And he’s ever so grateful for Dean. Dean, who doesn’t yell or punch walls when Castiel makes mistakes. Dean, who tells Castiel he loves him and shows him that he does every day. Dean, who brings Castiel coffee in the morning and sometimes accompanies him on his runs. Dean, who is more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. Dean, who steals Castiel’s clothes in the most adorable way possible: by washing them and “accidently” putting them in his drawer instead of Castiel’s. Dean, who knows that Castiel is never giving back that blue and green flannel. Dean, who doesn’t seem to mind that Castiel has an affinity for bees and even went out of his way to buy bee items for the apartment…for their home. Dean, who makes Castiel feel safe.

…

October 31st

_Castiel_

Charlie, Benny, Garth, and Crowley are here for a Halloween movie-night. Dean and Castiel have been preparing all day.

Castiel’s trying to stop feeling sad that Meg can’t be here. He misses _their_ Halloween movie marathons. They used to watch all the _Scream_ movies and talk shit about them all night. Whoever fell asleep first ended up with a pumpkin drawn on their face. Castiel the first year, Meg the second, Castiel last year; Castiel wanted to see who was going to get it this year, but Meg wasn’t able to make it. Castiel could tell she was disappointed about that particular turn of events as well.

Castiel sends Meg a text.

Castiel-Happy Halloween. Miss you. How are you?

Meg replies immediately.

Meg-I was just about to text you. We need to have a Halloween movie-night next year. You, me, and Dean. We need to make it happen. See who gets a shitty pumpkin drawing!

Meg-And you know, miss you too and all that shit.

Meg-Obviously.

Castiel grins. Despite the fact that she’s all the way in Chicago, Castiel’s pretty sure he’s going to get to keep Meg as his best friend. Some things distance just can’t change.

Castiel-Yes, we will need to do that.

Castiel also sends a pumpkin emoji.

Meg-Love ya, you dork.

Castiel-Love you too my sweetest and kindest friend.

Meg sends Castiel the middle finger emoji.

Castiel laughs and sends back a smiley face.

Everyone else is in the living room having a spirited debate over which movies to watch for the marathon. Charlie wants to watch the _IT_ movies, Dean wants to watch _Freaky_ , Benny wants to watch _Prometheus_ , Garth wants to watch _Clock in the Wall_ , and Crowley wants to watch _The Nightmare Before Christmas_. Castiel doesn’t really care about scary movies, so he’s finishing up the snacks in the kitchen.

He decides to pop some popcorn. He puts a bag in and puts the popcorn setting on. Surely what happened the last time Castiel tried this won’t happen this time.

Castiel goes back to preparing the other snacks when he smells it. Burning.

He turns around and sees smoke start to come out of the bag inside the microwave. He stares at it and whispers, “Don’t you dare. Don’t you do it you—oh you fucker!” Castiel sees the popcorn bag catch fire and he grabs the fire extinguisher. He opens the microwave and jumps away as the smoke pours out of the microwave. Castiel aims the fire extinguisher and puts the fire out. Of course, this is after the fire alarm goes off and everyone has joined him in the kitchen.

“Are you hurt? What happened?” Dean asks, looking Castiel over.

“I’m fine. I used the popcorn setting.” Castiel replies.

“But the popcorn setting is evil.” Dean says.

“Yes, it is. And I mistakenly assumed the popcorn setting couldn’t be evil on _every_ microwave. That’s such poor planning.” Castiel sighs.

“Wait. How many times has this happened?” Charlie interjects.

“Five,” Castiel says.

“Five?” Everyone except Dean seem to scream at once.

“Yes, five…well, no six. Counting today.” Castiel replies.

“Six?” Everyone except Dean repeats.

“Okay, okay, leave him alone. He’s my boyfriend. I’m the only one allowed to give him hell for this.” Dean wraps an arm around Castiel’s shoulders.

Castiel can’t help but smile because Dean’s version of giving Castiel hell for this is literally just gently teasing him about it. And mostly talking shit about microwave makers with him. Not exactly Castiel’s definition of Hell. Not what Castiel expected that first time he destroyed their microwave. But then again, Dean never really does what’s expected. And oh, does Castiel love him for it.

…

**Dean**

It’s March 7th and it’s the first official day of Spring Break. Dean doesn’t count the weekend as part of Spring Break, just today, Monday. Dean and Cas had planned to go on campus to walk around the Sunken Garden. Those plans are destroyed when they see snowflakes fall from the sky.

“Did you know it was supposed to snow today?” Dean asks Cas.

“Nope; you?” Cas replies.

“Nope.”

Neither of them says anything as they stare up at the sky. They’re standing outside their apartment building. Cas’s tan car is sitting in the driveway, waiting patiently for them to get in and go for a drive. But the two of them just stand there, looking around.

“Stay in?” Dean asks, looking at Cas.

“Stay in.” Cas nods.

Dean takes Cas’s hand. Cas laces their fingers. They go back to their apartment and change into pajamas. Cas makes hot chocolate and Dean pops some popcorn. They spend the day watching movies and random tv shows.

“I can’t believe it’s snowing on the first day of Spring Break.” Cas mumbles as he snuggles into Dean’s side.

“Well, you know what they say.” Dean grins.

“What’s that?”

“Welcome to Williamsburg! If you don’t like the weather, just wait. It’ll change.”

Cas chuckles. “Yeah? Is that what they say?”

“It really is, actually. I’m surprised you haven’t heard it yet.”

“Well, this is my first time hearing it.”

“I’m honored to be your first time.”

Cas rolls his eyes. “Fucking Williamsburg,”

Dean kisses Cas’s forehead. “You said it, pal.”

…

**Dean**

Dean can’t quite believe today is here. They just graduated from college. They really did that. They just fucking graduated. Dean knew Cas would do it. Of course, he would. But Dean? Dean wasn’t supposed to do _any_ of this according to his dad. He wasn’t supposed to come here and attend college. He wasn’t supposed to room with Charlie and become an English major. He wasn’t supposed to work at the library and meet Benny. He wasn’t supposed to sit in on every single one of Bobby’s office hours until the guy up and adopted him into his family. He wasn’t supposed to have Charlie, his first adopted sister, and Jo, his second adopted sister. He wasn’t supposed to ever see Sammy again, but now they have weekly Zoom calls. Dean was never supposed to meet Cas and fall in love with him. Dean wasn’t supposed to have picked out an apartment within walking distance of their new grad school. The odds of them getting in were just so low but here they are. _None_ of this was supposed to happen. But it did. And Dean is so glad it did because now he can’t imagine life without any of these people he loves so much.

Dean can’t imagine today any way but this way: waking up next to Cas, holding hands with Cas while they walk the senior walk with Charlie, Benny, Garth, and Crowley, taking pictures with Bobby and Ellen and Jo after the ceremony, Bobby telling Cas to get his ass in the picture and Charlie taking over the camera while Cas stands beside Dean in the middle of Bobby and Ellen and Jo.

Dean can’t imagine life without Gabriel taking pictures of Cas with Meg and Crowley, and Gabriel laughing at the three of them, saying that Meg and Crowley are like two parents who are going through a divorce and insisting that they still love their kid, and showing their kid that by putting themselves in uncomfortable situations. And then Cas looking concerned and Meg and Crowley—with near perfect timing—saying, “We love you, Cas.” And Gabriel laughing so hard he cries.

Dean can’t imagine a graduation day without Gabriel taking pictures of Dean and Cas and then Dean taking pictures of Gabriel and Cas and then Gabriel calling _Dean_ into the picture and Dean handing the camera over to Meg who takes a million pictures. He can’t imagine life without the group-picture of him and Cas surrounded by their friends: Charlie, Meg, Benny, Crowley, and Garth. That picture’s going to be developed and it will hang in the living room soon along with the other family pictures taken this day.

Now they’re all lying on the Sunken Garden again. They’re not supposed to be here because the place is roped off for some event, but rules be damned, they just graduated. And it’s just like last year on the last day of classes, but it’s also different because tonight the stars are covered by clouds and Dean’s drinking a Lipton green tea which _does not_ have the same amount of caffeine as a Starbucks mocha Frappuccino _thank you very much_. So, Dean’s tired and he feels warm thanks to his love for his friends (and all the freakin’ humidity) and Dean’s lying between Charlie and Cas and he finds himself leaning his head on Cas’s shoulder and Cas holds Dean’s free hand and Dean is nearly asleep.

And then it rains. And everyone shrieks and they run to the Wawa for cover, but that’s a long run and everyone except Dean is at least a little tipsy, so by the time they get to the Wawa, they’re soaked. And they’re laughing and they can’t call for a cab because they’re soaked, but Dean’s still sober and he and Cas drove here anyway, so they all pile into the car. Only they realize there aren’t enough seats, so they do the only thing that makes sense at 2:13AM. They put Garth in the trunk. Garth goes willingly, but it’s still so awkward and funny and probably illegal and Dean really can’t believe they’re doing this, but they do it anyway. They make it to the apartment, and everyone borrows clothes from Dean and Cas.

Meg’s wearing Cas’s cat pajamas. Crowley’s wearing the squirrel pajamas that he bought Cas for Cas’s twenty-second birthday. Garth’s wearing Dean’s grey flannel pajamas. Charlie’s wearing Dean’s Han Solo shirt and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Dean has a feeling he won’t see that Han Solo t-shirt ever again, but that’s okay. Charlie can steal it. As a treat. He’s going to miss seeing her nearly every day. Benny’s wearing Dean’s sweatpants and a Star Trek sweater. Cas decides it’ll be fun if Dean and Cas switch clothes for the night too, so Dean wears Cas’s bumblebee pajamas and Cas wears Dean’s green and blue flannel pajamas. They all end up sprawled throughout the apartment. Garth and Benny take the couch. Charlie curls up on a chair. Meg takes the other chair. Crowley steals the bed. Dean and Cas don’t go to sleep that night.

They just stay up, listening to music and holding each other close on the kitchen floor. They’re sharing earbuds; Cas has one in his left ear and Dean has the other in his right ear.

Dean types a message to Cas and sends it.

Dean: I have a playlist to show you. Cool?

Cas: Cool.

Dean pulls up his Cas playlist and starts with “Fair” by The Amazing Devil. Dean’s eternally grateful to Cas for introducing him to this band.

When the chorus plays, Dean whispers the words to Cas.

Dean hears Cas sniffle, and he realizes with a jolt that Cas is crying. This was not the plan.

Cas types into his phone and Dean receives several texts.

Cas: You’re not supposed to make me cry on graduation day.

Cas: Oh, who am I kidding?

Cas: Everyone cries on graduation day.

Cas: Dean, I love you so fucking much.

“I love you too.” Dean whispers.

Then “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone plays and Cas lets out a small sound before grabbing Dean’s face and kissing him. Dean kisses him back.

Cas hugs Dean. Tightly. Dean hugs Cas back.

“Let It Roll” by Flo Rida plays.

_“Love is nice when it’s understood.  
Even nicer when it makes you feel good.”_

“I know you don’t believe and that’s okay, I’m not trying to pressure you, but I thank God every day for letting me crash into you on January 9th in the bookstore last year.” Cas whispers.

Dean doesn’t know what to say. His eyes are full of tears and he’s trying not to cry because he doesn’t want to wake his friends up. He just wants this just to be his and Cas’s.

“You’re a fucking godsend, Dean Winchester.” Cas whispers.

Hot tears spill down Dean’s face and he takes a shaky breath.

“That was the luckiest day of my life.” Dean whispers. “I was having such a shitty day before my shirt was soaked in your coffee. _Such_ a shitty day. And then I ran into you. And everything got better—I mean, not _everything_ —but that day was better. And every day since has been better because you were in it.”

They hold each other close for the rest of the night.

In the morning, they wake their friends up by making popcorn.

…

**Dean**

It’s 7:42PM on June 23rd of the year 2022. Dean’s washing his hands in the bathroom. It’s their last night in the apartment and Dean’s trying not to get homesick about this place. It’s hard not to…this was their first home together. They made this place their own and now they’re moving miles away to some new apartment. It’s a nicer apartment. The kitchen’s bigger and they have a balcony. It’s within walking distance of their grad school and they’re allowed to paint the walls if they so choose.

But it’s not this apartment.

Dean’s thoughts are interrupted by a “pop.” Pop. Pop, pop, pop. Pop.

Dean’s insides go cold. Cas is making popcorn.

Dean stays in the bathroom and listens. And waits.

The microwave goes off.

Dean leans against the sink and chuckles.

Cas did it.

Dean dries his hands and walks out of the bathroom. The bathroom is right in front of the kitchen, so the first thing Dean sees when he walks out is Cas beaming at the bowl of popcorn he just popped.

“Will you be insulted if I say that I’m proud of you? Because I _am_ proud of you.” Dean tells Cas.

Cas laughs. “I had to get it right at some point. Catch.” Cas tosses a piece of popcorn into Dean’s mouth.

Dean catches it and chuckles. “Man, I can’t believe we’re moving out.” Dean tosses a piece of popcorn at Cas as they walk over to the couch.

Cas doesn’t catch it. It hits his forehead and falls onto the floor. Dean grins at the cute face Cas makes when it hits him in the forehead. Cas picks up the piece of popcorn and throws it at Dean. Dean catches it in his mouth and smirks at Cas who rolls his eyes.

Then Cas looks around, wistfully. “Yeah, this apartment was a good home.”

“I like the new one a lot, but this was our first home.”

“I know what you mean. A walk-in closet really can’t compare to memories.”

“Yeah, but hey, we’ll make new memories.”

Cas smiles at Dean as they sit on the couch together. “Yeah, we will.”

Dean can’t help it. He thinks about his favorite part in the song “Fair” by the Amazing Devil. He hopes that can be true of them.

_“I'll spend my days so close to you  
'Cause if I'm stood here, then I'm stood here  
And I'll stand here  
I'll stand here with you."_

Dean smiles and wraps his arm around Cas’s shoulders and pulls him close. Dean will just have to wait and see.

…

**Dean’s Cas playlist**

“Come and Get Your Love” -Redbone

“Black Butterflies and Déjà Vu” -The Maine

“Something Just Like This” -The Chainsmokers, Coldplay

“Riptide” -Vance Joy

“Let It Roll” -Flo Rida

“Fair” -The Amazing Devil

“Dreams” -The Cranberries

“Iris” -The Goo Goo Dolls

“Simple Song” -The Shins

“Conversations in the Dark” -John Legend

“Everlong” -The Foo Fighters

“My Best Friend” – Queen

“Angel” -Judas Priest

“In The Light” – Led Zeppelin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! Thanks for reading!!:D

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!:)
> 
> (I was 77skie77 but now I've changed my username on here to match my tumblr username.)
> 
> I'm @lotsofquestionslimitedanswers on tumblr and I post my works there too.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!!:)


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